Chronic illness and fatigue

If you suffer with chronic illness , you’ll know that owning an alarm clock is a waste of money . You’ll hear it going off , but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll wake up . 

You’ll also be very familiar with the snide remarks / “jokes” people make .

“I wish I had time to take a nap” .

“Everyone gets tired , you just have to push through it” .

Having chronic illnesses almost always means you don’t have a good , if any , sleep pattern . 

The usual 8 hours sleep everyone gets seems like heaven and you always hope that one day , you will get that glorious , golden 8 hours , of uninterrupted sleep for yourself . 

The thing is , no one truly understands it until they go through it themselves . I didn’t .  I’m 28 and 11 years ago I was your ‘normal’ , every day person who could get up and go . Party all night and work all day . Get a few hours sleep and I was raring to go again ! I never understood how people could be so slow or always sleeping or never go out . I loved life and nothing could hold me back . 

Then , I had my accident and life spiralled . I then started to understand why people couldn’t do things .

Normal everyday life is a chore . 

For me , I suffer with broken discs in my lower spine , hip and knee problems . (Along with so much more) . So from the minute I get up , I’m struggling . 

Getting dressed used to take minutes , now it’s 30 minutes or more . 

Bending , hurts . 

Getting up , hurts . 

Sitting down , hurts . 

I feel like I’m stuck in a 90 year olds body . 

The struggle is real – as they say . 

By the time I get downstairs I’m ready to go back to bed .

Making coffee is a chore but it’s so needed . Caffeine is about the only thing my body runs on these days . 

My normal routine …. I say routine , it’s more than likely that I …. Get up around 11am . Dressed and downstairs by 12pm . I have coffee by 12:15pm and then I sit down . I’ll try and get stuff done but every 15 minutes I need to sit . 

Come 5:30pm I . Am . Dropping . I normally go for a nap for a minimum of an hour and a half . It takes me between 30 and 45 minutes to settle and drop off . Then I’ll be waking up every 20 – 30 minutes . It takes around 10 minutes for me to drop back off to sleep . So I never get a full rest . This is why I can’t ‘power nap’ .

Then after my nap I’m normally awake until 4/5 am . I’ll sleep until 8am , waking every 20 – 30 minutes . Then I’ll be awake for an hour (8-9am) Then I usually nod off again until 11am . Always waking every 20-30 minutes . This is if I’m lucky to get sleep . Some nights , I’m awake all night . It all depends on the pain and if I can lie down etc . 

And I know I’m not the only one who suffers like this . My father is exactly the same as me . So I know I’m not alone when I say , it really is tough . 

So to have the usual sly remarks made , it’s no surprise when people get short with you .  

When you are basically called lazy . Oh how I wish it was true . Physical and mental exhaustion is no joke . 

Or when you’re told it’s just a bad day . Or you’ll get over it …. Please , show us how ? Teach us how chronic pain can be cured with a flick of a switch . 

And when people make fun of you . Now this is where people can get really petty . When they see you struggling and just think it’s hilarious and that you’re doing it for attention . I would absolutely love to watch you walk in our shoes for just one day . 

So please , be kind people . It takes zero effort to just be nice to someone . To try and understand it . I mean , you wouldn’t like someone to make a joke about your bad day would you ? So why would you do it to others ? 

Think before you judge . 

Chronic illness is tough . I have tried a lot of medication to help me , none of which have . It can take years to find the right thing , so far for me it’s taken 10 years , and I’m still trying . 

I’m now looking into natural pain relief and foods that help . 

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Dogs & Depression Update

I have been asked by quite a few people , to write a blog about our dogs .

So I thought I would do a little update .

We have only had Stan the Jug and Oscar the Cavachon for 12 days and already they’re part of the family .
Stan is 8 months old and Oscar is 7 months old .
They’re our babies .
We love them more than anything !!
My parents have become Nan and Dats to them . My brothers are Uncles etc etc .

Stan needed a new harness so I spent a small fortune on a new one and am tempted to get Oscar one as well .
I know it’s a lot of money but they look amazing in them !!
The colour really suits Stan (Red) .

They were definitely a challenge .
Both needing a little house training and still currently going through other training regarding tricks πŸ™‚
But they’re gorgeous and so worth it .

Before them , I would stay in bed until mid-day and then clean and do sod all for the rest of the day . Leaving my depression get the best of me .
With the news about my broken and bulging discs in my back , it really wasn’t helping.  The thought of an operation terrifies me . So I needed something to help me .

The dogs have most certainly done just that .
They keep me on my toes .
But I’m up at 10:30 latest . Although , on weekend the dogs tend to sleep until 11:30 .
I feed them and brush them , let them out etc . All the usual stuff when you have a dog .

I have lost weight too !!
Massive bonus !!
I now have curves . Super happy about that .

I do take them on short walks .
I can’t walk far so we go as far as I can with a few stops here and there .
They’re great on the leads though. 
My parents and Rob help me with that though as I can’t leave the house alone .

I don’t get many depressive spells anymore , although they haven’t completely gone , but I’d say I’m 80% getting there .
My anxiety is up and down but not as bad as it used to be .

The choice to get these dogs was the best choice we ever made πŸ˜€

It helps that they’re cuddly . I get love 24/7 off them .

They do fight , but last Tuesday they had the snip so I am really hoping it helps .
Oscar is feeling rather sorry for himself though and always wants to be picked up and have sympathy πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
Bless him though , he is just a baby .
Serious training starts after he has his stitches removed next Tuesday though πŸ™‚
Stan’s are dissolvable and he doesn’t seem to care that he had an op .
He is as bouncy and playful as ever . No matter how hard we try to calm him,  it’s next to impossible haha .
But all is good .

We are super happy and can’t thank our friend enough for giving us this opportunity . 

She is still in touch with the boys and gets to see them .
They love it as they get extra attention haha .
We love it too as it’s a win win for us all .

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Being selfish.

This year I decided to do what I wanted to do .
Last year , as you know,  I went through hell and back with family and loved ones . We lost a lot and we’re left a mess .
I totally gave up .
But this year I’ve decided to be selfish .
I never put myself first and have always felt guilty for when I used to treat myself and not my friends or family .
Why should I ?
I deserve to be happy too !!
Last year proved that life is way too short to just sit back and hope and wish .
So this year , I have decided :

🌹 To eat clean and healthy .

Myself and my partner want to lose weight .
So far , so good .
All our food is clean and fresh πŸ™‚
Low fat and barely any carbs .
No sweets but we do have fruit and hot chocolate to help with the cravings .

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🌹 Get my eyebrows tattooed .

I have shaved / plucked my eyebrows since age 18 . So I have zero as I hate my natural brows .
So I decided to get them tattooed on . Semi permanent make up .
They last up to 5 years if you keep topping them up every so often πŸ™‚
Best decision I ever made !!

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🌹 Get more of my tattoo finished.

I started my sleeve tattoo last year . But as I had a lot going on , I ended up spending all of my savings on trying to save my dogs life (I regret nothing) .
So this year I have booked in for more work .
I have been put on the list for if a slot comes up . As William (tattooist) is fully booked for the year πŸ™‚

🌹 Seeing friends more .

I rarely ever get out .
I go to Rob’s gigs but I’m always on my own , out the way somewhere  (I can’t do crowds)
So this year I am making time for those important people πŸ™‚
This Saturday I have a few friends coming over for tea and some naughty cake (Home made – I’ll have a small piece)
Then in May I will be in London for The Damned and the day after I will be going to visit 2 amazing friends . We plan to go for food somewhere nice before heading home πŸ™‚
Then in the summer they’re  coming to visit us πŸ˜€
Exciting times ahead !!

Simple little things ,  but they’re making all the difference . I feel more confident and happy about myself !!

I wish I had done this sooner πŸ™‚
I know it sounds silly , but sometimes , being selfish really is ok πŸ™‚

What is a panic attack?

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Everyone talks about having panic attacks . You’ve either seen someone have one , heard of someone having one or you have experienced one yourself .
But what is a panic attack ?

It’s a rush of intense psychological and physical symptoms.
They can be very frightening and happen out of the blue, for no known reason .

They usually last between five and twenty minutes and although they’re horrible, they aren’t dangerous .

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The physical symptoms of panic can be ;

A sensation that your heart is beating irregularly (palpitations)

SweatingΒ 

Trembling

Shortness of breath (hyperventilation)Β 

A choking sensation

Chest painΒ 

Feeling sickΒ 

These are caused by your body going into “fight or flight” mode .
Your body tends to think that you’re under threat , hense the sense of panic .

As your body tries to take in more oxygen your breathing gets faster. Your body releases hormones, like adrenaline, which causes your heart to beat faster and your muscles to tense up.

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How can you help relieve these symptoms ?

There are a few different things you can try .

To help slow down your breathing and heart rate . You could try these simple steps .

Breathe in deeply through your nose.

Breathe out slowly through your mouth.Β 

Focus your thinking on the word “calm”.

Keep calm and focus on your breathing .
As you slowly start to feel your breathing getting back to normal,  you can go to feel a little tired . This is normal though.  It means your carbon dioxide levels in your blood , have returned to normal. 

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Should you see a doctor about panic attacks ?

Although panic attacks aren’t dangerous themselves . It is always a good idea to seek medical advice .
Panic attacks can be brought on due to an underlining issue .

**** Seek medical advice if:

Your panic attack continues after following these breathing techniques for 20 minutes.

You still feel unwell after your breathing returns to normal.

You still have a rapid or irregular heartbeat or chest pains after your panic attack.Β 

You regularly have panic attacks, as this could be a sign that you haveΒ panic disorder. ****

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Can panic attacks be avoided ?

Some people find that relaxation techniques do help prevent panic attacks . Eg. Meditation , deep breathing , muscle stretches .

Eating regularly can help as it stabilises your blood sugars .

Avoiding alcohol,  caffeine and smoking can also help .

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A surprise attack

Whilst I sat in the comfort of my own home . With a glass of water and a plate with some food on . Unwinding from a long , busy day of sorting . Putting my feet up and watching Grim .

A loud, droaning noise came from outside.

I turned the volume down on the laptop and listened for a minute or two .
The noise I could hear appeared to be voices, male voices . Aged 17/18 . At a guess .

I then heard the front door being tried .
I knew Rob was coming back from band practice, so I thought maybe it was him . But who would be with him ?
His band mates weren’t that loud and no one else would be with him.
I couldn’t hear Rob’s voice either.

After a few more minutes (and checking the door was locked) I decided to carry on watching Grim .

No sooner had I hit the play button , there was an almighty **BANG**

Someone had hit the window. 
It frightened me . So much so , I had to call my father. 
After he checked to make sure the coast was clear , I went back into the living room and …. broke down .
My whole body began to tremble and I couldn’t stop it .
I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself ;

“What’s wrong with me ?”

I never react this way . I am very rarely ever frightened .
But something had made me turn into this panicky mess .
I couldn’t believe it .

Through someone’s stupidity and probably thinking it was a funny idea to play ‘knock knock run’ . I had become a blubbering mess .

I managed to calm myself down by swilling my face with cold water , having a drink and a cigarette .
Once I had done this , Rob was back .
I felt safe now and managed to control my panic .
I spoke to Rob about how I felt .
It really did help .

The panic attack really had caught me off guard .
It’s never happened before .

I managed to get an early night (for the first time in over a year) and that has really helped.
I feel a lot more positive today .
It sounds stupid , but apart from that panic attack , I had a really good day yesterday .
To let that little down point take that away from me , well , that would be idiotic .

I’m not starting 2016 the way I did 2015 .
I’m starting to look for the positives rather than letting them find me πŸ™‚

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Cutting ties & moving forward.

Happy New Year everyone πŸ™‚
I hope 2016 treats you well .

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I wanted to write this blog as it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while .
I went through a lot in 2015 . The ups and the major downs.  It was a long roller coaster ride of emotions .
But one thing that has taken a while to click with me, is the loss of friends .

We all go through life meeting new people. We all lose someone in some way shape or form , but I’m not on about the ‘normal’ loss of friends through losing contact or just life getting in the way.  I’m on about losing someone who you considered to be a friend .
The fake friend.
Someone who you put your life on hold for , to meet up with.
Someone who you threw your problems aside for and tried to help them when they were at breaking point .
(But who wouldn’t do this for you .)

And then when their life starts to pick back up, they kick you to the curb .

It feels awful .
The feeling of being used .
No one deserves that .
I don’t understand how people can put someone through it .

Oh my life is hell , they’ll understand

– When you become good enough for them. –

Now my life is back on track, I don’t need that ‘negative’ friend who has helped me through it all, I’ll just kick them to the curb and move on with my life” .

– The part where they become too good for you and you become the negative one . Because they are on the slight “up” that life has given them . –

I’ve been thinking about it a lot . As I do over think things, that’s the whole thing about anxiety .
As much as it magnifies every emotion , it can , every once in a while , make you see things clearly .

I gave my time .
I gave up hours of my days .
I would drop everything for this friend .
I would push my problems aside and I would listen to them go on and on about theirs .
They would cry,  get angry and really vent .
They needed someone and I was willing to be that someone .
To be the shoulder .
I truly believed that they wanted to be friends .
That they were a nice person .
When really , they just saw me for the soft person that I am .
For the person who will do anything to see others happy .

As soon as I had done my work . They got their life back on track , for now. They have a job again , and I feel like they now think they’re better than me. 

I had tried to make contact with this person . But there was always some excuse .
I asked them if everything was ok between us .

They lied .

I then saw them when out and about and they ignored me but acknowledged my friend .

Then in passing conversation between said friends , they dropped the news in about a job .

And it all clicked .

Whilst they think they’re being clever . They’re actually showing their true self .

I was good enough when no one else would listen to them , but the minute they get a part of their life back , boom . I’m not good enough .

They only got their idea of said job , from me . Which is what I find amusing .

I’m better than her now , because I have the job she said would be perfect for me and pointed me in the right direction

But instead of a thank you , I just get tossed aside .

The best part to it all ?

They don’t realise that with depression , it’ll always come back .

The paranoir , the sleepless nights , Panic attacks , feeling ill , feeling unwanted , unloved . Etc .
It isn’t a once in a life time thing that just goes over night . Depression is always there . It just hides until you let your guard down , and then it jumps right back on .

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2015 taught me a lot of hard lessons . The main one is having to let go .

So this blog , is me letting go .
It’s the final goodbye to a toxic relationship .
I may be unfit to work because of health issues , but that doesn’t give anyone the right to treat me like an underdog .
It doesn’t make you a better person because you can get up pain free every day . It doesn’t change who you are .
And nothing gives you the right to treat someone this way .

I know I’m not the only one who has gone through this .
So my advice to you is , cut them off .
Don’t let them get to you. 
They used you and yes it sucks .
They took your nice nature and used it to their advantage .
But that doesn’t make you a bad person , it makes them the bad person .
So instead of just dwelling on it , say your final goodbye , in what ever way you feel appropriate,  and cut all ties .

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I feel good after venting all of this πŸ™‚
Now I can move on to the next chapter of my life .
I hope you can too πŸ™‚

A little update

Hi everyone . Sorry I’ve been a bit quiet as of late . Myself and Rob have been super duper busy sorting a few things out .
We do have a big announcement coming soon . Well , I say big , it’s massive for us πŸ˜€
At the moment , only close family know , but I will update as soon as I can about it .

So as you can guess , I am extremely excited πŸ˜€

My mood has picked up , although I do get a few lows from day to day . But having something to look forward to , is helping !

Still missing Ellie .
We haven’t got another dog yet . Never say never though !
We all miss Ellie too much and I think we are confused . We can’t replace her and our hearts are aching for her . But yet we are all feeling lonely and there’s a massive hole in our family .
So I can see us having another dog in the near future πŸ™‚

As my mood has picked up , I have been going to Rob’s gigs.
We went to one last night in The Lemon Factory , Swansea .
It was the best gig yet !
They started a mosh pit from no where lol
Everyone enjoyed !!
The crowd was amazing & the other bands were too !!

I have never felt so comfortable at a gig πŸ™‚
They were all really friendly & a little bit crazy haha
Safe to say , I fitted in well πŸ˜‰

So to sum everything up .
I’m feeling good .
I’m getting through each day and I’m excited for our future πŸ™‚
The lows are still there but at the moment I can cope with them .
Right now , I’m not letting anyone bring me down πŸ™‚

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