M-I-A

Apologies , these last few months I’ve been MIA .

A lot has happened . 

Starting off I’ve developed a food allergy again . I’m now extremely allergic to milk . Which is a bit of a pain as most foods contain milk . 

I’ve been veggie since I was 13 , so I’ve now had to go vegan . Not that I have anything against the vegan diet , it’s just difficult when you don’t know much about it and have no choice but to take it up . 

I was however a fake vegan , as I wasn’t fussy if food had egg in it . Until the last few weeks where I now also have an allergy to egg ! 

There is a plus side of this diet . As I mentioned in previous blogs , I was on all natural medications . I didn’t take the steroids my gastro gave me and researched natural alternatives instead . I was on cumin and CBD oil . 

I saw my gastro a few weeks ago and he can’t believe it . I’m in remission !! Although he was concerned about the “flare ups” . Until I mentioned my milk allergy . 

My gp has been refusing to send me for allergy tests and just said to eliminate the foods . However , as it’s so severe it can become life threatening , so my gastro has now demanded an allergy test be done . I’m still waiting for that . 

I’ve also lost 1 stone 4lbs in 3 months , without even trying to . This hasn’t happened in 8 years !! 

On top of it all , earlier this month I lost my Uncle . My Aunty found him dead in bed . He was fit and healthy as far as we all knew . Turns out all the arteries to the heart were clogged and he basically walked upstairs after having breakfast , sat down on the bed and died instantly . 

It’s been hell in all honesty . 

We are all taking it in turns to stay with my Aunty as she’s not well herself . 

We are also all still , very much in shock . 

My father more so as he was the first one there to do CPR . My Uncle was his best friend . He worked for about 20 mins before the first responders came , then took it in turns with them to keep going . He even still kept trying once the paramedics got there . So you can imagine what he must be going through 😦 

I did go to see my Uncle in the chapel of rest . First time I’ve ever seen someone like that . But it was peaceful . He looked like he was going to wake up any second , do his usual snort like he did so often in his chair , and go “Uhh I wasn’t sleeping” . If only 🖤

There is something that made us all a little happier , if you can be happy at all in this situation . Before he passed , he had the grandchildren down from London for a week . It was a trial to see if they would stay with them for a while so they could have little holidays in Wales . The grandchildren adored my Aunty and Uncle . 

Then the weekend before he passed , he had my Nieces and Nephew over for a party for my Aunty , she had recently turned 60 but they couldn’t make her original party so they held one just for them . Myself and family went too . It was fab ! My Uncle made sure they were full on good food and then spoiled them rotten , as he always did with children , cake and Ice cream with the chocolate mint wafers . YUM ! And not forgetting the crisps and pop ! 

My Uncle was a sucker when it came to kids . They seemed to bring out the child in him 🙂 He did the same for me when I was a kid too . 

So basically , we figured out , he had his goodbyes . Everything had fallen into place . It’s something we can take some comfort in . 

His funeral was a lovely send off . The church was full . People had so much to say about him , all good . My Aunty wanted to celebrate his life and that’s exactly what we did . 

The song she chose to play him out in the church was from Dirty Dancing . The Time Of My Life . 

https://youtu.be/WpmILPAcRQo

Because my Uncle loved to dance ! 

I’ll never forget him grabbing me at my engagement party and making me dance . I can’t dance at all so he put me on his feet , like you do with a child , and made me dance with him for a while . I only got up to go to the bar , and I ended up dancing at my party . But that’s the kind of man he was . He was a loving , fun , gentle man . You could always rely on him and nothing was ever too big . He’s helped me out so many times over the years , I can’t thank him enough for everything he has done . 

I’ve had a few tears , but not enough . I feel like I really need to cry and scream and blame someone . But I can’t .  I think it’s shock . Even writing this , I’m crying a bit but no where near as much as I need to . I just cannot believe I won’t be seeing him in this life again . It’s heart breaking . 

It’s safe to say , this world has lost a fantastic man , and life will never be the same again . 

I truly hate September .  Last year I lost 2 close friends and now this year my Uncle . 

These last 7 years have been hell for my family , and I’m sick and tired of life always taking from us . 

Next year , I’m 30 . I’m not sitting back waiting for something else to happen , I’m grabbing 2018 by the balls and I’m living . Because one this I have learnt the hard way is , life is cruel and it’s selfish . It takes and takes and will drain you of everything if you let it . It’s taken enough from me now , it’s my turn to take something back . 

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Chronic illness and fatigue

If you suffer with chronic illness , you’ll know that owning an alarm clock is a waste of money . You’ll hear it going off , but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll wake up . 

You’ll also be very familiar with the snide remarks / “jokes” people make .

“I wish I had time to take a nap” .

“Everyone gets tired , you just have to push through it” .

Having chronic illnesses almost always means you don’t have a good , if any , sleep pattern . 

The usual 8 hours sleep everyone gets seems like heaven and you always hope that one day , you will get that glorious , golden 8 hours , of uninterrupted sleep for yourself . 

The thing is , no one truly understands it until they go through it themselves . I didn’t .  I’m 28 and 11 years ago I was your ‘normal’ , every day person who could get up and go . Party all night and work all day . Get a few hours sleep and I was raring to go again ! I never understood how people could be so slow or always sleeping or never go out . I loved life and nothing could hold me back . 

Then , I had my accident and life spiralled . I then started to understand why people couldn’t do things .

Normal everyday life is a chore . 

For me , I suffer with broken discs in my lower spine , hip and knee problems . (Along with so much more) . So from the minute I get up , I’m struggling . 

Getting dressed used to take minutes , now it’s 30 minutes or more . 

Bending , hurts . 

Getting up , hurts . 

Sitting down , hurts . 

I feel like I’m stuck in a 90 year olds body . 

The struggle is real – as they say . 

By the time I get downstairs I’m ready to go back to bed .

Making coffee is a chore but it’s so needed . Caffeine is about the only thing my body runs on these days . 

My normal routine …. I say routine , it’s more than likely that I …. Get up around 11am . Dressed and downstairs by 12pm . I have coffee by 12:15pm and then I sit down . I’ll try and get stuff done but every 15 minutes I need to sit . 

Come 5:30pm I . Am . Dropping . I normally go for a nap for a minimum of an hour and a half . It takes me between 30 and 45 minutes to settle and drop off . Then I’ll be waking up every 20 – 30 minutes . It takes around 10 minutes for me to drop back off to sleep . So I never get a full rest . This is why I can’t ‘power nap’ .

Then after my nap I’m normally awake until 4/5 am . I’ll sleep until 8am , waking every 20 – 30 minutes . Then I’ll be awake for an hour (8-9am) Then I usually nod off again until 11am . Always waking every 20-30 minutes . This is if I’m lucky to get sleep . Some nights , I’m awake all night . It all depends on the pain and if I can lie down etc . 

And I know I’m not the only one who suffers like this . My father is exactly the same as me . So I know I’m not alone when I say , it really is tough . 

So to have the usual sly remarks made , it’s no surprise when people get short with you .  

When you are basically called lazy . Oh how I wish it was true . Physical and mental exhaustion is no joke . 

Or when you’re told it’s just a bad day . Or you’ll get over it …. Please , show us how ? Teach us how chronic pain can be cured with a flick of a switch . 

And when people make fun of you . Now this is where people can get really petty . When they see you struggling and just think it’s hilarious and that you’re doing it for attention . I would absolutely love to watch you walk in our shoes for just one day . 

So please , be kind people . It takes zero effort to just be nice to someone . To try and understand it . I mean , you wouldn’t like someone to make a joke about your bad day would you ? So why would you do it to others ? 

Think before you judge . 

Chronic illness is tough . I have tried a lot of medication to help me , none of which have . It can take years to find the right thing , so far for me it’s taken 10 years , and I’m still trying . 

I’m now looking into natural pain relief and foods that help . 

Know your limits .

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No matter what you’re doing .
House work , shopping , hobbies or work . It is very important to know your limits .

Having anxiety and depression is very tiring on a daily basis and pushing your limits can exhaust you even more .
They can also set you back a few steps .

So instead of pleasing everyone or getting all of those chours done today , limit yourself to what you can do comfortably .

Personally, I always found myself trying to please others .  To get the work done faster etc .
I always push myself . The problem is , I have found myself going backwards and having more bad days than good .
So I’m now limiting myself and forgetting everyone else .
It’s not selfish , it’s common sense .
No one else would push themselves to the point of exhaustion just to get tasks done , so why should you ?
It’s no different just because we have a label on our heads .
We don’t need to feel guilty about it either or explain ourselves .

I find I ask myself questions a lot now :

– Do I really need to do this today or can it wait until tomorrow ?

– Is it important ?

– Does it effect anyone if I don’t do it ?

Most of the time , I can leave what I am doing .

Anxiety always makes you feel guilty over the silly little things , but you really shouldn’t worry about it .

You should be focussing on getting your life back , “getting better” . You shouldn’t be exhausting yourself if there is no need to 🙂

So yes , put down that hoover / leave that until tomorrow , stick the kettle on , sit down , relax , and do it tomorrow when you have more energy .
Listen to what your body is telling you . Look after yourself 🙂
It’s very important !!

What is a panic attack?

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Everyone talks about having panic attacks . You’ve either seen someone have one , heard of someone having one or you have experienced one yourself .
But what is a panic attack ?

It’s a rush of intense psychological and physical symptoms.
They can be very frightening and happen out of the blue, for no known reason .

They usually last between five and twenty minutes and although they’re horrible, they aren’t dangerous .

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The physical symptoms of panic can be ;

A sensation that your heart is beating irregularly (palpitations)

Sweating 

Trembling

Shortness of breath (hyperventilation) 

A choking sensation

Chest pain 

Feeling sick 

These are caused by your body going into “fight or flight” mode .
Your body tends to think that you’re under threat , hense the sense of panic .

As your body tries to take in more oxygen your breathing gets faster. Your body releases hormones, like adrenaline, which causes your heart to beat faster and your muscles to tense up.

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How can you help relieve these symptoms ?

There are a few different things you can try .

To help slow down your breathing and heart rate . You could try these simple steps .

Breathe in deeply through your nose.

Breathe out slowly through your mouth. 

Focus your thinking on the word “calm”.

Keep calm and focus on your breathing .
As you slowly start to feel your breathing getting back to normal,  you can go to feel a little tired . This is normal though.  It means your carbon dioxide levels in your blood , have returned to normal. 

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Should you see a doctor about panic attacks ?

Although panic attacks aren’t dangerous themselves . It is always a good idea to seek medical advice .
Panic attacks can be brought on due to an underlining issue .

**** Seek medical advice if:

Your panic attack continues after following these breathing techniques for 20 minutes.

You still feel unwell after your breathing returns to normal.

You still have a rapid or irregular heartbeat or chest pains after your panic attack. 

You regularly have panic attacks, as this could be a sign that you have panic disorder. ****

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Can panic attacks be avoided ?

Some people find that relaxation techniques do help prevent panic attacks . Eg. Meditation , deep breathing , muscle stretches .

Eating regularly can help as it stabilises your blood sugars .

Avoiding alcohol,  caffeine and smoking can also help .

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💥 BAM! 💥 Oh hello again ….

August 13th .
I woke up like any other day . Washed , applied my eyebrows (as I don’t have any) and opened up a package I had received. 
It was full of new clothes (I treated myself for once) .
I got dressed and toddled my way down stairs wearing my new jeggings (or my fat lady trou as I like to call them lol) to iron my new top .
I had a cigarette (yup bad habit , I know) and asked my father to set up the ironing board (I can’t lift heavy things due to back issues) .
I plugged the iron in , then set my top up ready to iron it and ….

💥  BAM!  💥

Out of no where I couldn’t breathe . My head started spinning , my chest hurt . My left arm went completely numb . Then my ribs were painful on my left side . Then, slowly, my left leg went extremely painful and numb from the hip down .

….”Oh my God,  I’m having a stroke”….

Was my first thought .
It was terrifying !
I felt sick and started heaving. 
My Mam looked at me and handed me a paper bag .
I just asked for a banana – as funny as that sounds , they apparently help with a panic attack .
I couldn’t eat it though so I started to use the paper bag .
It helped . Within 15 mins I could breathe again .
After that, I ate the banana and I  was gaining all feeling back .
Sadly, I was crippled with pain still .
My parents had to head out , so I tried to walk it off but ended up lying in bed crying .
When they got home – about an hour later . I resorted to taking zapain. It took an hour to kick in , but when it did , I was completely pain free!

The ‘experience’ was terrifying.  I haven’t had a major panic attack in a few months now and never have I gone numb .

I mentioned it to a few people in a group I have been made admin on on Facebook. 
– The group is called “Beating Depression & Anxiety Together” . Go and check it out if you can 🙂 It’s amazing !

Someone posted this as a reoly and it really helped , I hope it helps my readers too .

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After this panic attack , naturally I felt depressed and just wanted to sleep . However , I pushed through it . I cried and felt like poo , but I stayed awake and decided to read .
I downloaded the Kindle app on my phone and started reading “Vampire Shift” . It is pretty amazing and I recommend it to everyone 😄

My sleeping pattern has gone to mush again though. 
I can’t seem to sleep until 4/5am and then I’ll sleep until 1pm .
Today I slept until 3pm though . I woke up at 10 am with a migraine so went back to bed and kept waking every hour . The migraine has stayed with me all day though 😦 Which is poo .
I think it’s my awful sleeping pattern though! 

So that is my little update .
I’m sorry it can’t be a cheery one , but I have promised to be honest and post the good and the bad 🙂 So here is the down side of this week .
Hopefully , I will be able to post a more positive one over the weekend 😄 Here’s to hoping 💜

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