Being selfish.

This year I decided to do what I wanted to do .
Last year , as you know,  I went through hell and back with family and loved ones . We lost a lot and we’re left a mess .
I totally gave up .
But this year I’ve decided to be selfish .
I never put myself first and have always felt guilty for when I used to treat myself and not my friends or family .
Why should I ?
I deserve to be happy too !!
Last year proved that life is way too short to just sit back and hope and wish .
So this year , I have decided :

🌹 To eat clean and healthy .

Myself and my partner want to lose weight .
So far , so good .
All our food is clean and fresh 🙂
Low fat and barely any carbs .
No sweets but we do have fruit and hot chocolate to help with the cravings .

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🌹 Get my eyebrows tattooed .

I have shaved / plucked my eyebrows since age 18 . So I have zero as I hate my natural brows .
So I decided to get them tattooed on . Semi permanent make up .
They last up to 5 years if you keep topping them up every so often 🙂
Best decision I ever made !!

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🌹 Get more of my tattoo finished.

I started my sleeve tattoo last year . But as I had a lot going on , I ended up spending all of my savings on trying to save my dogs life (I regret nothing) .
So this year I have booked in for more work .
I have been put on the list for if a slot comes up . As William (tattooist) is fully booked for the year 🙂

🌹 Seeing friends more .

I rarely ever get out .
I go to Rob’s gigs but I’m always on my own , out the way somewhere  (I can’t do crowds)
So this year I am making time for those important people 🙂
This Saturday I have a few friends coming over for tea and some naughty cake (Home made – I’ll have a small piece)
Then in May I will be in London for The Damned and the day after I will be going to visit 2 amazing friends . We plan to go for food somewhere nice before heading home 🙂
Then in the summer they’re  coming to visit us 😀
Exciting times ahead !!

Simple little things ,  but they’re making all the difference . I feel more confident and happy about myself !!

I wish I had done this sooner 🙂
I know it sounds silly , but sometimes , being selfish really is ok 🙂

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Gym & Depression

I started the gym last Monday (20th)
It’s been really great ! 
The first day I was with a personal trainer for induction and she went over what to do and not to do regarding my illnesses . She was really great with me . 
I was so nervous before going . Although I went with a friend . I didn’t know what to expect and my anxiety was sky high . 

I didn’t sleep properly the night before , I felt too sick to .
I had about 2 hours sleep before heading to the gym at 9:30am .
I was shaking but doing my best not to show it . 

The trainer kept asking me questions and I could only answer with one word to start with . After 30 minutes I was ok . But to start with , it was hell (mentally) . 

But I did it !! I fought through the anxiety and I went . I felt so much better for it 🙂 

I am now on day 3 , going into day 4 of the gym and I am feeling the benefits already !!

I lost 10lbs on the teatox diet , in 9 days !! So that helped boost me a little . 
I am currently waiting for my 28 day teatox to show up so I can carry on with it 😀 
But the gym is helping on top . 
I do feel tired after it , but it is only the first week 🙂 

I am eating healthy still . But enjoying it . I have cut out rubbish but I do enjoy my food . I play around a lot with things to get the best flavours . 

I’m not ready to put photo’s up yet of my fat belly , but once I get to a comfortable weight , I will show you all the results 🙂 
I was 15.5 stone before starting and am currently down to 14.09 stone . So I am slowly getting there . Little by little 🙂

The gym has been challenging . I can’t push myself too hard as I have spine problems and knee and hip . But I am on the treadmill for 20-30 mins a day and the bike for 10 mins . I go on the rower for 10 minutes if my body is up to it . But that is my routine 🙂 
I’m not allowed to lift weights , sadly , but the rower should make up for that .

I went to the gym yesterday with my best friend . She had been there longer than me so had to leave to make an appointment . As it was quiet I decided to stay . I lasted 40 minutes in there all together . I only left because someone else came along . 
I’m still not ready to face the world alone . But I am getting there . 
It is a struggle and I still get major panic attacks . But I am handling it a lot better now 🙂

With my depression , over the last 3 days , I have seemed to pick up a lot . 
The Teatox was also helping a little , but the gym seems to be helping more , and I would recommend it to anyone who is willing to try it 🙂 

Having to leave the gym after 40 mins did effect me a little . It didn’t last too long though . 
I did think I was stupid and others would see it that way and call me on it . They haven’t though 😀 
The depression and bad thoughts lasted about 30 minutes or so and then I just got on with my day . (Not that I do much lol) .

Today was a better day as myself and my best friend lasted an hour at the gym together . We decided an hour was enough for us today and next week we will try going for an hour and a half . 
But we are building up to it . 
Last thing we need is to push ourselves too far and have to take a break so soon haha .

We are going 5 days a week , but taking the weekend as a rest so we don’t over do it 🙂 

I will keep updating my progress on the gym and let you know how my anxiety and depression weighs up too . 

Hopefully , it will keep getting better 🙂

Friday night fun

So in a previous blog I mentioned I went to a gig …. I also went to another gig the night after …. It was AMAZING !! Best crowd yet and my man was amazing on stage 😀

Everyone loved them and I was comfortable surrounded by friends ! Old & new 😀

It was so nice to feel good about myself . I felt great because of the people I was with . The music was awesome & the other band , Stand Up & Shout were amazing too .

We all had a great laugh and we didn’t leave until closing time .
I had a few drinks but spent under £10 . We went to Tesco afterwards and I bought some food as I was starving lol . But I stuck to the healthy stuff . No sweets / crisps / rubbish 🙂 – Which was my downfall after a drink .

No panic attacks ! ! ! !
I was anxious before getting there , but that passed once we met up with everyone 🙂

It was a great night !!

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Sadly , I was ill after being out two nights in a row and am currently still recovering from very painful joints .
It does suck when you can barely walk or get out of bed …. But those two gigs were worth it 🙂 lol

Backtrack

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This past week has been exhausting! 

I have been so so busy!!
Since passing my driving test last Monday (3rd) I have been non stop driving 🙂
I’m driving my Dad around at the moment as he has disabled tax and I can’t go anywhere without him, but I’m driving never the less. I’m going out shopping with him, I’m dropping my mother off at work, driving to see my fiancé, driving to see my friends. It’s great! I’m doing stuff lol!!
My friend made a good point the other day.

“This time last year, if I had told you that you were going to pass your driving test, you would of argued blind with me that you wouldn’t be.”

She is so right. One year ago I was all negative. “I can’t” “I won’t”. Now I’m “I shall” “I can” “I will”.

I feel like a different person! I’m more positive and so much more supportive to anyone and everyone.
I still know I am limited due to health problems, but I’m pushing myself a little more every day. I have accepted I may never be “normal”, but I can be unique and happy with that 🙂

It’s def’ the little steps, the little things, that help.
CBT helped me get my mind on a more positive pattern, driving has helped me get some fresh air and get out of the house every day. I still can’t do crowds or walk far due to my knees and hips, but I’m doing short walks to the shop with my Dad, from the car to the building and back. I wouldn’t do this months back. I’d be convinced I’d have a panic attack and make a fool of myself. But I’m handling them. I def’ think the car helps, it means I have somewhere to go if I feel an attack coming on, a safe place 🙂 I can lock the doors and sit there calming down. I’ve just got to get used to parking now lol. I’m ok in disabled bays but not regular. There’s just so little room lol. I will get there though 🙂 (see positivity) .

I have received so many cards congratulating me too. It’s crazy!! And my little Nieces have said they are proud of me :’) But it means I have to go up and see them more and they promise they’ll let me lye in if I sleep up there lmao!!  

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Is anyone else looking into their driving test who also suffers like me ?
If you want a chat please feel free to contact me 🙂 I’ll try & help as much as poss.
All I can say is, don’t let anything stop you, you deserve it more than most. Getting in that car is one of the hardest things you could do, but once you do it and pass your test, it all becomes worth it 😀
Never give up!! 

Please help ….

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/save-the-parrot-and-make-it-even-better#home

As you all know, I suffer with Anxiety & Depression & life gets really tough for me.
I am terrified about leaving the house. I NEVER go out without someone with me, mainly Rob or my parents.
I find it super hard to mingle with people. I get panic attacks & I never feel safe.
I understand for some people this is hard to imagine, but it’s the truth. I don’t feel safe in crowds, I don’t have a normal life. I don’t party every weekend. I don’t drink much. I don’t go shopping. Etc. Etc.
What I normally do is stay in.

However. This pub, The Parrot, REALLY helped me over come a few hurdles I have in my life. Although I still didn’t leave the house alone, when The Parrot was open, I could go in there. I watched a few bands & even helped out on the doors from time to time. I would pop in for an iced coffee (THE BEST Iced coffee around) during the days I was able to get out. This was all thanks to the kind and understanding staff there. They always have time to get to know you. To chat about your day, to help you if you were stuck with anything. They would make me feel safe. They somehow got me to laugh, I rarely laugh these days!! 

This place is more than just a pub. During the days it’s a cafe with a music shop upstairs. Children are welcome and they even have toys in there for them to play with! (and you if you want to lol)
In the evenings it would get turned into a music venue for local bands to strut their stuff & for all the locals to come in and have some fun! Drinks were all reasonably priced. The music was always good. The people, customers, were friendly and there were NEVER any problems with people fighting etc. It was a great place to be and it would put you in a great mood.

For once, I’d feel normal. For 3/4 hours a night I would feel like a normal person being there. No other pub has done that for me. No other place has ever been so welcoming and understanding. This is why ‘The Parrot’ needs your help. Just £1 will go a long way!!
There are perks if you donate more, all of them are in the link:

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/save-the-parrot-and-make-it-even-better#home

But £1 from each supporter all adds up.
I’m skint ALL the time but I can afford £1 here and there to go towards such a great place!!

Please help them out! Let’s get this amazing venue back up & running 🙂