M-I-A

Apologies , these last few months I’ve been MIA .

A lot has happened . 

Starting off I’ve developed a food allergy again . I’m now extremely allergic to milk . Which is a bit of a pain as most foods contain milk . 

I’ve been veggie since I was 13 , so I’ve now had to go vegan . Not that I have anything against the vegan diet , it’s just difficult when you don’t know much about it and have no choice but to take it up . 

I was however a fake vegan , as I wasn’t fussy if food had egg in it . Until the last few weeks where I now also have an allergy to egg ! 

There is a plus side of this diet . As I mentioned in previous blogs , I was on all natural medications . I didn’t take the steroids my gastro gave me and researched natural alternatives instead . I was on cumin and CBD oil . 

I saw my gastro a few weeks ago and he can’t believe it . I’m in remission !! Although he was concerned about the “flare ups” . Until I mentioned my milk allergy . 

My gp has been refusing to send me for allergy tests and just said to eliminate the foods . However , as it’s so severe it can become life threatening , so my gastro has now demanded an allergy test be done . I’m still waiting for that . 

I’ve also lost 1 stone 4lbs in 3 months , without even trying to . This hasn’t happened in 8 years !! 

On top of it all , earlier this month I lost my Uncle . My Aunty found him dead in bed . He was fit and healthy as far as we all knew . Turns out all the arteries to the heart were clogged and he basically walked upstairs after having breakfast , sat down on the bed and died instantly . 

It’s been hell in all honesty . 

We are all taking it in turns to stay with my Aunty as she’s not well herself . 

We are also all still , very much in shock . 

My father more so as he was the first one there to do CPR . My Uncle was his best friend . He worked for about 20 mins before the first responders came , then took it in turns with them to keep going . He even still kept trying once the paramedics got there . So you can imagine what he must be going through šŸ˜¦ 

I did go to see my Uncle in the chapel of rest . First time I’ve ever seen someone like that . But it was peaceful . He looked like he was going to wake up any second , do his usual snort like he did so often in his chair , and go “Uhh I wasn’t sleeping” . If only šŸ–¤

There is something that made us all a little happier , if you can be happy at all in this situation . Before he passed , he had the grandchildren down from London for a week . It was a trial to see if they would stay with them for a while so they could have little holidays in Wales . The grandchildren adored my Aunty and Uncle . 

Then the weekend before he passed , he had my Nieces and Nephew over for a party for my Aunty , she had recently turned 60 but they couldn’t make her original party so they held one just for them . Myself and family went too . It was fab ! My Uncle made sure they were full on good food and then spoiled them rotten , as he always did with children , cake and Ice cream with the chocolate mint wafers . YUM ! And not forgetting the crisps and pop ! 

My Uncle was a sucker when it came to kids . They seemed to bring out the child in him šŸ™‚ He did the same for me when I was a kid too . 

So basically , we figured out , he had his goodbyes . Everything had fallen into place . It’s something we can take some comfort in . 

His funeral was a lovely send off . The church was full . People had so much to say about him , all good . My Aunty wanted to celebrate his life and that’s exactly what we did . 

The song she chose to play him out in the church was from Dirty Dancing . The Time Of My Life . 

https://youtu.be/WpmILPAcRQo

Because my Uncle loved to dance ! 

I’ll never forget him grabbing me at my engagement party and making me dance . I can’t dance at all so he put me on his feet , like you do with a child , and made me dance with him for a while . I only got up to go to the bar , and I ended up dancing at my party . But that’s the kind of man he was . He was a loving , fun , gentle man . You could always rely on him and nothing was ever too big . He’s helped me out so many times over the years , I can’t thank him enough for everything he has done . 

I’ve had a few tears , but not enough . I feel like I really need to cry and scream and blame someone . But I can’t .  I think it’s shock . Even writing this , I’m crying a bit but no where near as much as I need to . I just cannot believe I won’t be seeing him in this life again . It’s heart breaking . 

It’s safe to say , this world has lost a fantastic man , and life will never be the same again . 

I truly hate September .  Last year I lost 2 close friends and now this year my Uncle . 

These last 7 years have been hell for my family , and I’m sick and tired of life always taking from us . 

Next year , I’m 30 . I’m not sitting back waiting for something else to happen , I’m grabbing 2018 by the balls and I’m living . Because one this I have learnt the hard way is , life is cruel and it’s selfish . It takes and takes and will drain you of everything if you let it . It’s taken enough from me now , it’s my turn to take something back . 

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Chronic illness and fatigue

If you suffer with chronic illness , you’ll know that owning an alarm clock is a waste of money . You’ll hear it going off , but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll wake up . 

You’ll also be very familiar with the snide remarks / “jokes” people make .

“I wish I had time to take a nap” .

“Everyone gets tired , you just have to push through it” .

Having chronic illnesses almost always means you don’t have a good , if any , sleep pattern . 

The usual 8 hours sleep everyone gets seems like heaven and you always hope that one day , you will get that glorious , golden 8 hours , of uninterrupted sleep for yourself . 

The thing is , no one truly understands it until they go through it themselves . I didn’t .  I’m 28 and 11 years ago I was your ‘normal’ , every day person who could get up and go . Party all night and work all day . Get a few hours sleep and I was raring to go again ! I never understood how people could be so slow or always sleeping or never go out . I loved life and nothing could hold me back . 

Then , I had my accident and life spiralled . I then started to understand why people couldn’t do things .

Normal everyday life is a chore . 

For me , I suffer with broken discs in my lower spine , hip and knee problems . (Along with so much more) . So from the minute I get up , I’m struggling . 

Getting dressed used to take minutes , now it’s 30 minutes or more . 

Bending , hurts . 

Getting up , hurts . 

Sitting down , hurts . 

I feel like I’m stuck in a 90 year olds body . 

The struggle is real – as they say . 

By the time I get downstairs I’m ready to go back to bed .

Making coffee is a chore but it’s so needed . Caffeine is about the only thing my body runs on these days . 

My normal routine …. I say routine , it’s more than likely that I …. Get up around 11am . Dressed and downstairs by 12pm . I have coffee by 12:15pm and then I sit down . I’ll try and get stuff done but every 15 minutes I need to sit . 

Come 5:30pm I . Am . Dropping . I normally go for a nap for a minimum of an hour and a half . It takes me between 30 and 45 minutes to settle and drop off . Then I’ll be waking up every 20 – 30 minutes . It takes around 10 minutes for me to drop back off to sleep . So I never get a full rest . This is why I can’t ‘power nap’ .

Then after my nap I’m normally awake until 4/5 am . I’ll sleep until 8am , waking every 20 – 30 minutes . Then I’ll be awake for an hour (8-9am) Then I usually nod off again until 11am . Always waking every 20-30 minutes . This is if I’m lucky to get sleep . Some nights , I’m awake all night . It all depends on the pain and if I can lie down etc . 

And I know I’m not the only one who suffers like this . My father is exactly the same as me . So I know I’m not alone when I say , it really is tough . 

So to have the usual sly remarks made , it’s no surprise when people get short with you .  

When you are basically called lazy . Oh how I wish it was true . Physical and mental exhaustion is no joke . 

Or when you’re told it’s just a bad day . Or you’ll get over it …. Please , show us how ? Teach us how chronic pain can be cured with a flick of a switch . 

And when people make fun of you . Now this is where people can get really petty . When they see you struggling and just think it’s hilarious and that you’re doing it for attention . I would absolutely love to watch you walk in our shoes for just one day . 

So please , be kind people . It takes zero effort to just be nice to someone . To try and understand it . I mean , you wouldn’t like someone to make a joke about your bad day would you ? So why would you do it to others ? 

Think before you judge . 

Chronic illness is tough . I have tried a lot of medication to help me , none of which have . It can take years to find the right thing , so far for me it’s taken 10 years , and I’m still trying . 

I’m now looking into natural pain relief and foods that help . 

A surprise attack

Whilst I sat in the comfort of my own home . With a glass of water and a plate with some food on . Unwinding from a long , busy day of sorting . Putting my feet up and watching Grim .

A loud, droaning noise came from outside.

I turned the volume down on the laptop and listened for a minute or two .
The noise I could hear appeared to be voices, male voices . Aged 17/18 . At a guess .

I then heard the front door being tried .
I knew Rob was coming back from band practice, so I thought maybe it was him . But who would be with him ?
His band mates weren’t that loud and no one else would be with him.
I couldn’t hear Rob’s voice either.

After a few more minutes (and checking the door was locked) I decided to carry on watching Grim .

No sooner had I hit the play button , there was an almighty **BANG**

Someone had hit the window. 
It frightened me . So much so , I had to call my father. 
After he checked to make sure the coast was clear , I went back into the living room and …. broke down .
My whole body began to tremble and I couldn’t stop it .
I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself ;

“What’s wrong with me ?”

I never react this way . I am very rarely ever frightened .
But something had made me turn into this panicky mess .
I couldn’t believe it .

Through someone’s stupidity and probably thinking it was a funny idea to play ‘knock knock run’ . I had become a blubbering mess .

I managed to calm myself down by swilling my face with cold water , having a drink and a cigarette .
Once I had done this , Rob was back .
I felt safe now and managed to control my panic .
I spoke to Rob about how I felt .
It really did help .

The panic attack really had caught me off guard .
It’s never happened before .

I managed to get an early night (for the first time in over a year) and that has really helped.
I feel a lot more positive today .
It sounds stupid , but apart from that panic attack , I had a really good day yesterday .
To let that little down point take that away from me , well , that would be idiotic .

I’m not starting 2016 the way I did 2015 .
I’m starting to look for the positives rather than letting them find me šŸ™‚

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TeaTox , Getting slim & helping my depression

As of tomorrow I am starting a diet.
I am sick to death of struggling with my weight day in day out .

I don’t eat a lot but I bloat !

I’ve tried just eating healthy and upping my daily meals to 3 a day instead of 1 but it makes me feel sick . I bloat and am in a lot of pain .
Since I started on my medication 3 years ago , I have put on 5.5 stone. It’s not helping my depression and it’s making me more and more lazy . I have next to no energy through it all and I hate photos of myself. I see myself as the fat blob in the corner.

We have a wedding in August so my aim is to drop 5.5 stone by then šŸ™‚
Myself & Rob are hoping to be starting the gym next week . 2 hours for 5 days a week , every week after he finishes work.
We both want to lose weight and shape up to look good in the photos haha !
But also because of our health !

My anxiety prevents me from going out alone and I can’t ride a bike or go running because of my joint pains . But I am going to be working with someone in the gym so I can safely work out . My Doctor said it should be ok but no heavy weights or anything above my head because of my spine šŸ™‚
I’m not looking to bulk up with muscle any way so will be avoiding that haha

I am starting the TeaTox diet first thing ! Fingers crossed it works , I have heard so much good about it šŸ˜€

I will be posting before and after photos too …. Even though I HATE my body šŸ™‚

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A little catch up rant ….

Life has been really busy from Dec 14th so I’m really sorry I’ve not been updating much .

I haven’t even had time to play my games consoles lol !!

Basically, as IĀ don’t have much time on my hands between running my mother or my father around lol .

I have decided to get back into collecting PokĆ©mon cards šŸ˜€
It’s really helped me focus .
I order them online before I go to bed (not every night lol) and I then get them by the end of the week . I have nice folders to keep them in and I organise them so that I can get each art work of each PokĆ©mon on to the same page etc šŸ˜€
I currently have a collection worth around Ā£200 ^_^ Considering I only started this just before Christmas , I think it’s pretty good .

I must sound pretty sad toĀ most of you, collecting cardsĀ doesn’t appeal to all . But it’s taking my mind off things . I get to sit down for an hour a day and justĀ organise them . It helps stop panic attacks coming on and it passes the time and the biggest thing of all is , I enjoy it !!

I’ve found something I can enthuse about !!
Thats’s one major thing I have found since my anxiety and depression has gotten worse , IĀ 
don’t enjoy anything .
I pretend to around all of my friends and most family , but IĀ can’t actually enjoy myself .

Shopping gives me panic attacks , being around too many people does too .
The cinema is good but IĀ don’t get excited anymore .
IĀ don’t really enjoy drinking .
I never go out anymore .
So this card collecting has really given me something to look forward to šŸ™‚
Sadly it’s not helping with my sleep patterns lol Nothing seems to be .
It’s currently 02:19AM here and I’mĀ 
wide awake.
I have to be up at 9am to take my Father to the Nurse and then IĀ can’t go back to bed as I have to run my Mother to work at 2pm . She then finishes at 5pm so I have to pick her up . So that’s my day gone .
I’m sure there will be loadsĀ in-betweenĀ but I won’t be tired come bed time again …..
And it’ll start all over again !!

IĀ don’t get time to myself unless it’s with my cards for about an hour a week .

I’m with Rob over the weekend but as he’ll be off work he’ll want to do things that he wants to do , which is fair enough Ā ….. And come Monday I’m back to running around for my parents lol …..

IĀ don’tĀ mind running around for them as my Dad is recovering from a major operation but I am exhausted and need some me time .
Hell, some days IĀ don’t even get the chance to shower !
I’m also missing a lot of my medication whichĀ isn’t good !!
I justĀ can’t seem to juggle things well throughout the day .

My parents will say I get down time because I sleep the days away . But lately I’ve been going to bed at 5/6AM and waking up at 12/1PM . Then I’m running around or waiting around for everyone else .Ā 

I think what makes thingsĀ harder is my depression and anxiety . They ware you out on “normal” days . So actually doing things for everyone else , the extra running ….. It pushes you a bit too far .
I’ve found my joints are hurting me more too. Especially my knees as I’m walking too much . Walking up stairs is a struggle let aloneĀ going out and helping carryĀ bags .

I need a week off lol . Someone ship me off to some place hot and quiet ? ^_^Ā 

Meeting :/

So I had a meeting with the PIP people today.
They came out as IĀ couldn’t make it to the assessment ….
It was basically a medical, which is only fair as the amount of people claiming benefits for no real reason is ridiculous. But it made me feel small. Not the ladies fault at all, just the questions.

“When was the last time you went out?” – Honestly, yes it was Bristol. But that wasĀ terrifying . The time before that was my Aunties wedding 2 years ago!!
That was the proper time I went out, with people, “drinking”. But I had a panic attack on the bus with my own family!!

“Can you walk from the living room to your front gate without stopping?” – Nope! My knees swell and Im in agony.

“Do you see your friends often?” – Nope! Only on “good” days, which to be honest, are there really any good days ? There are ok days where the pain is masked by the pills I take, but thats about it .

“Do you drink?” – I’m not tea total and enjoy a glass of rosĆ© but IĀ don’t go out anywhere partying or hold house parties/ladies nights etc. I just have the odd glass when I can afford it .

“What are your hobbies?” – Now this is the real sad part …. I play Destiny. Online. With friends. That’s about it!
I love painting, reading, playing PokĆ©mon / MTG cards etc. But IĀ don’t have the energy to do them anymore. IĀ literally get up and dressed …. Which takes me over an hour. Go and have coffee and maybe a bite to eat if I can be bothered. And then I sit and play Destiny because walking up and down stairs pains me too much!
IĀ can’t stand for long periods of time and IĀ can’t sit for too long either. So painting becomes frustrating :/

I just sat there thinking ” What the f**k has happened to me ? ”

I used to be this skinny girl, who would walk everywhere. Go to festivals with friends, party every weekend, go to college, eat what I like when I liked, wear whatever and not give a damn!
I was happy once lol
Now Im full of aches and pains, things the DrsĀ can’t figure out. I have Ulcerative Colitis, possible arthritis which they are testing for. Very low iron,Ā anaemia, I have to have iron infusions which involve blood tests every 2 weeks. IĀ can’t make long term plans because of panic attacks which I have on a daily basis….. And so much more!!

I really feel pathetic tonight….

Sorry thisĀ isn’t a positive post. But IĀ just needed to vent :/ And I did say this blog was about the highs and lows lolĀ 

Challenging myself.

Ok, so IĀ haven’t been sleeping well lately. I keep getting awful nightmares and I wake up sweating and feeling sick. I’m getting headaches as I’ll only get about 4 hours sleep a night & to be honest, I am letting them win. I go back to bed during the day for naps. IĀ don’t do much all day & I just mope around.

So tomorrow, I have decided…. No matter what time I go to bed tonight, I will be up & moving by 10am LATEST. I will have a shower, coffee & force myself to eat a proper breakfast. Maybe fried eggs on toast ? lol

I will then go down the post office (with my Dad) & post items I have sold on eBay. Hopefully, I canĀ do all of this by 2pm.
I then need to clean my room – BIG TIME !!
So I’m going to have a proper clear out and anything that IĀ don’t need I am going to sell on eBay. I am sick of this mess now! I literally have no more space to put anything, so come Christmas I am screwed for storage (-.-)

But yes. This is myĀ challenge. No matter how tired I am, I HAVE to try & push myself.

Let’s see if I can do this šŸ˜€Ā