M-I-A

Apologies , these last few months I’ve been MIA .

A lot has happened . 

Starting off I’ve developed a food allergy again . I’m now extremely allergic to milk . Which is a bit of a pain as most foods contain milk . 

I’ve been veggie since I was 13 , so I’ve now had to go vegan . Not that I have anything against the vegan diet , it’s just difficult when you don’t know much about it and have no choice but to take it up . 

I was however a fake vegan , as I wasn’t fussy if food had egg in it . Until the last few weeks where I now also have an allergy to egg ! 

There is a plus side of this diet . As I mentioned in previous blogs , I was on all natural medications . I didn’t take the steroids my gastro gave me and researched natural alternatives instead . I was on cumin and CBD oil . 

I saw my gastro a few weeks ago and he can’t believe it . I’m in remission !! Although he was concerned about the “flare ups” . Until I mentioned my milk allergy . 

My gp has been refusing to send me for allergy tests and just said to eliminate the foods . However , as it’s so severe it can become life threatening , so my gastro has now demanded an allergy test be done . I’m still waiting for that . 

I’ve also lost 1 stone 4lbs in 3 months , without even trying to . This hasn’t happened in 8 years !! 

On top of it all , earlier this month I lost my Uncle . My Aunty found him dead in bed . He was fit and healthy as far as we all knew . Turns out all the arteries to the heart were clogged and he basically walked upstairs after having breakfast , sat down on the bed and died instantly . 

It’s been hell in all honesty . 

We are all taking it in turns to stay with my Aunty as she’s not well herself . 

We are also all still , very much in shock . 

My father more so as he was the first one there to do CPR . My Uncle was his best friend . He worked for about 20 mins before the first responders came , then took it in turns with them to keep going . He even still kept trying once the paramedics got there . So you can imagine what he must be going through ๐Ÿ˜ฆ 

I did go to see my Uncle in the chapel of rest . First time I’ve ever seen someone like that . But it was peaceful . He looked like he was going to wake up any second , do his usual snort like he did so often in his chair , and go “Uhh I wasn’t sleeping” . If only ๐Ÿ–ค

There is something that made us all a little happier , if you can be happy at all in this situation . Before he passed , he had the grandchildren down from London for a week . It was a trial to see if they would stay with them for a while so they could have little holidays in Wales . The grandchildren adored my Aunty and Uncle . 

Then the weekend before he passed , he had my Nieces and Nephew over for a party for my Aunty , she had recently turned 60 but they couldn’t make her original party so they held one just for them . Myself and family went too . It was fab ! My Uncle made sure they were full on good food and then spoiled them rotten , as he always did with children , cake and Ice cream with the chocolate mint wafers . YUM ! And not forgetting the crisps and pop ! 

My Uncle was a sucker when it came to kids . They seemed to bring out the child in him ๐Ÿ™‚ He did the same for me when I was a kid too . 

So basically , we figured out , he had his goodbyes . Everything had fallen into place . It’s something we can take some comfort in . 

His funeral was a lovely send off . The church was full . People had so much to say about him , all good . My Aunty wanted to celebrate his life and that’s exactly what we did . 

The song she chose to play him out in the church was from Dirty Dancing . The Time Of My Life . 

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Because my Uncle loved to dance ! 

I’ll never forget him grabbing me at my engagement party and making me dance . I can’t dance at all so he put me on his feet , like you do with a child , and made me dance with him for a while . I only got up to go to the bar , and I ended up dancing at my party . But that’s the kind of man he was . He was a loving , fun , gentle man . You could always rely on him and nothing was ever too big . He’s helped me out so many times over the years , I can’t thank him enough for everything he has done . 

I’ve had a few tears , but not enough . I feel like I really need to cry and scream and blame someone . But I can’t .  I think it’s shock . Even writing this , I’m crying a bit but no where near as much as I need to . I just cannot believe I won’t be seeing him in this life again . It’s heart breaking . 

It’s safe to say , this world has lost a fantastic man , and life will never be the same again . 

I truly hate September .  Last year I lost 2 close friends and now this year my Uncle . 

These last 7 years have been hell for my family , and I’m sick and tired of life always taking from us . 

Next year , I’m 30 . I’m not sitting back waiting for something else to happen , I’m grabbing 2018 by the balls and I’m living . Because one this I have learnt the hard way is , life is cruel and it’s selfish . It takes and takes and will drain you of everything if you let it . It’s taken enough from me now , it’s my turn to take something back . 

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What speaking out has done for me.

Many people are terrified to speak out about suffering from mental illness .
I was one of these.

For many years my life was tough and 90% of it was down to me.
I wasn’t willing to accept my illness.

I hid it the best that I could when I was out of the house.
People just saw me as a timid child, but my home life was hell.
Constant arguing and fighting over stupid things. I couldn’t control my anger.
I wasn’t angry at my family, I was angry at myself, but I would blame them as it was easier.

Hiding anxiety is tough and when you lash out, you normally lash out at those closest to you.
My parents just thought I was a naughty child, but there was so much more to it, I just couldn’t tell them.

Eventually, I went to see a doctor when I was 16. I was diagnosed with depression at aged 6 but they put it down to school and being a “school phobic”.
I was a phobic of most things, anything that included people and strangers.
I spoke to the doctor and they advised me that I should take medication. They gave me leaflets and told me to speak about how I was feeling and to keep diaries to help me speak about it.
I did the diary part, but I never spoke out about it.
I refused medication for as long as I could. I did speak to my parents about my anxieties but very vaguely.

I went through a lot in my short life, counselling being a main thing in my life. I hated it. Strangers wanting to know everything about me and asking me why I was feeling this way etc etc. It’s not my cup of tea.

I gave in to medications at the age of 24. It made me spiral backwards and I was at an all time low. The doctors kept changing them often. I was getting worse and worse.
I managed, after a year and a half, to pull myself off them .

Eventually, when I was 25. I started CBT.
CBT changed my life.
I spoke to my family and loved ones about my illness. I opened up completely.
It lifted a massive weight.

CBT only lasts 8 weeks. One session , one hour a week, but it made a HUGE difference to me.
Alun helped me focus on the here and now. He made me realise I wasn’t weird or an outcast. I accepted my illness and I managed to help others accept meย to.
He helped me make this blog page which in turn has helped a few other people cope with their mental illness. I have also made new friends through this and I don’t feel lost anymore.

Speaking out has helped me:

  • Stopped the arguments.
  • Made others understand that I’m not cutting them out, my anxieties restrict me.
  • Made new friends.
  • Helped others speak out.
  • See my friends more now.
  • Made a blog.
  • Taken a lot of weight off my shoulders.
  • Got people off my back about working again.
  • I’ve spoken about all of my physical illnesses, as speaking out about my mental illness has given me the confidence to be open.
  • Made me feel more “normal”.
  • I have accepted myself and the hand I have been dealt.

As terrifying as it is to think about, it really isn’t anything like that. Thinking about it is the worst part.
Once you know you’re ready to accept yourself, speaking is part of the healing process.
I’m no where near “cured”, but I am getting there. I am slowly taking steps in the right direction, and as long as this road may be, I know I can get through it.
Day by day, little by little.

I highly recommend speaking out to everyone.
The best people to start with are the ones closest to you. Eg. Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, etc.

You’ll be surprised by how many people understand.

Being selfish.

This year I decided to do what I wanted to do .
Last year , as you know,  I went through hell and back with family and loved ones . We lost a lot and we’re left a mess .
I totally gave up .
But this year I’ve decided to be selfish .
I never put myself first and have always felt guilty for when I used to treat myself and not my friends or family .
Why should I ?
I deserve to be happy too !!
Last year proved that life is way too short to just sit back and hope and wish .
So this year , I have decided :

๐ŸŒน To eat clean and healthy .

Myself and my partner want to lose weight .
So far , so good .
All our food is clean and fresh ๐Ÿ™‚
Low fat and barely any carbs .
No sweets but we do have fruit and hot chocolate to help with the cravings .

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๐ŸŒน Get my eyebrows tattooed .

I have shaved / plucked my eyebrows since age 18 . So I have zero as I hate my natural brows .
So I decided to get them tattooed on . Semi permanent make up .
They last up to 5 years if you keep topping them up every so often ๐Ÿ™‚
Best decision I ever made !!

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๐ŸŒน Get more of my tattoo finished.

I started my sleeve tattoo last year . But as I had a lot going on , I ended up spending all of my savings on trying to save my dogs life (I regret nothing) .
So this year I have booked in for more work .
I have been put on the list for if a slot comes up . As William (tattooist) is fully booked for the year ๐Ÿ™‚

๐ŸŒน Seeing friends more .

I rarely ever get out .
I go to Rob’s gigs but I’m always on my own , out the way somewhere  (I can’t do crowds)
So this year I am making time for those important people ๐Ÿ™‚
This Saturday I have a few friends coming over for tea and some naughty cake (Home made – I’ll have a small piece)
Then in May I will be in London for The Damned and the day after I will be going to visit 2 amazing friends . We plan to go for food somewhere nice before heading home ๐Ÿ™‚
Then in the summer they’re  coming to visit us ๐Ÿ˜€
Exciting times ahead !!

Simple little things ,  but they’re making all the difference . I feel more confident and happy about myself !!

I wish I had done this sooner ๐Ÿ™‚
I know it sounds silly , but sometimes , being selfish really is ok ๐Ÿ™‚

4 simple & natural ways to help anxiety

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Chamomile Tea

Just a few sips of Chamomile Tea can help relieve anxiety and stress . It’s a natural anti-anxiety medicine and has been proven to help reduce anxiety in just a few weeks .

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Turkey

That tired feeling you feel after Christmas dinner .
It’s from the tryptophan in the turkey.

“Tryptophan is a precursor to the neurotransmitter serotonin, which helps you to feel calm. Tryptophan in the form of meat,ย has been shown to reduceย anxiety disorders!”

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Turmeric

Known for its many uses .
It is excellent for anxiety and depression as it helps lift your moods .

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Dark Chocolate

One for those with a sweet tooth . (Just like me) .
Dark Chocolate has been found to help relieve anxiety .
In a study they used it as placebo medication .
Scientists found that those on 1.5 ounces of Dark Chocolate per day felt calmer than those who weren’t.

Cutting ties & moving forward.

Happy New Year everyone ๐Ÿ™‚
I hope 2016 treats you well .

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I wanted to write this blog as it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while .
I went through a lot in 2015 . The ups and the major downs.  It was a long roller coaster ride of emotions .
But one thing that has taken a while to click with me, is the loss of friends .

We all go through life meeting new people. We all lose someone in some way shape or form , but I’m not on about the ‘normal’ loss of friends through losing contact or just life getting in the way.  I’m on about losing someone who you considered to be a friend .
The fake friend.
Someone who you put your life on hold for , to meet up with.
Someone who you threw your problems aside for and tried to help them when they were at breaking point .
(But who wouldn’t do this for you .)

And then when their life starts to pick back up, they kick you to the curb .

It feels awful .
The feeling of being used .
No one deserves that .
I don’t understand how people can put someone through it .

Oh my life is hell , they’ll understand

– When you become good enough for them. –

Now my life is back on track, I don’t need that ‘negative’ friend who has helped me through it all, I’ll just kick them to the curb and move on with my life” .

– The part where they become too good for you and you become the negative one . Because they are on the slight “up” that life has given them . –

I’ve been thinking about it a lot . As I do over think things, that’s the whole thing about anxiety .
As much as it magnifies every emotion , it can , every once in a while , make you see things clearly .

I gave my time .
I gave up hours of my days .
I would drop everything for this friend .
I would push my problems aside and I would listen to them go on and on about theirs .
They would cry,  get angry and really vent .
They needed someone and I was willing to be that someone .
To be the shoulder .
I truly believed that they wanted to be friends .
That they were a nice person .
When really , they just saw me for the soft person that I am .
For the person who will do anything to see others happy .

As soon as I had done my work . They got their life back on track , for now. They have a job again , and I feel like they now think they’re better than me. 

I had tried to make contact with this person . But there was always some excuse .
I asked them if everything was ok between us .

They lied .

I then saw them when out and about and they ignored me but acknowledged my friend .

Then in passing conversation between said friends , they dropped the news in about a job .

And it all clicked .

Whilst they think they’re being clever . They’re actually showing their true self .

I was good enough when no one else would listen to them , but the minute they get a part of their life back , boom . I’m not good enough .

They only got their idea of said job , from me . Which is what I find amusing .

I’m better than her now , because I have the job she said would be perfect for me and pointed me in the right direction

But instead of a thank you , I just get tossed aside .

The best part to it all ?

They don’t realise that with depression , it’ll always come back .

The paranoir , the sleepless nights , Panic attacks , feeling ill , feeling unwanted , unloved . Etc .
It isn’t a once in a life time thing that just goes over night . Depression is always there . It just hides until you let your guard down , and then it jumps right back on .

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2015 taught me a lot of hard lessons . The main one is having to let go .

So this blog , is me letting go .
It’s the final goodbye to a toxic relationship .
I may be unfit to work because of health issues , but that doesn’t give anyone the right to treat me like an underdog .
It doesn’t make you a better person because you can get up pain free every day . It doesn’t change who you are .
And nothing gives you the right to treat someone this way .

I know I’m not the only one who has gone through this .
So my advice to you is , cut them off .
Don’t let them get to you. 
They used you and yes it sucks .
They took your nice nature and used it to their advantage .
But that doesn’t make you a bad person , it makes them the bad person .
So instead of just dwelling on it , say your final goodbye , in what ever way you feel appropriate,  and cut all ties .

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I feel good after venting all of this ๐Ÿ™‚
Now I can move on to the next chapter of my life .
I hope you can too ๐Ÿ™‚

Busy Girl

So I have been extremely busy for the last month or so . Trying to sort a few things out ๐Ÿ™‚ย 

When I can , I will share that info with you all ๐Ÿ™‚

Health wise . I have been up and down . I have found a new way to cope with my back problems, although I don’t recommend that anyone with my issues tries it . I have been asking Rob to “pop my back”. By this I mean grab my upper body , arms included (so I’m standing straight and he’s grabbing me around my chest area) , and pick me up off the floor . My whole spine seems to pop and release the pain for a temporary time . It’s been helpful these past few weeks , but I’m not entirely sure that it’s safe . So please don’t try it !!

Panic attack wise , I have been on and off . I seem to be getting pains first this time though . My whole back , hips and legs go painful , to the point I have to take a couple of Zapain to just relieve it a bit . But it never completely goes away . I then tend to have small panic attacks for roughly 10 mins and then they go and just leave me feeling drained :/ย 

It has been very strange , but I am ok . I’m here . I’m alive and I’m happy right now ย ๐Ÿ™‚ Even if I am battling illness a bit more often right now . I’m trying to keep a positive and open mind ๐Ÿ™‚

To start with I am looking into spiritual healing ! It’s an option I would like to try ๐Ÿ™‚ On Friday I am going to a Spiritual church to look into it all and hopefully get a reading too ๐Ÿ™‚ I will keep you all posted on that ๐Ÿ˜€ย 

Very busy , mentally challenging , physically exhausting .

So I have had one of the most busiest weekends this year .

I went to Porthcawl fair on Friday.
Folly Farm on Saturday.
And Band Practice with Grim Citizens, in Carmarthen on Sunday.

Porthcawl.

6pm I went to Porthcawl with Rob, my brother, sister in law, Katie & Brooklyn.
Emily had a sleep over at her friends so she didn’t come with us.
It was wet & windy but really fun!
Rob won me a teddy . I won one myself too.

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(Rob won the white one – I won the meerkat)ย 

Katie went on nearly every ride possible & Brooklyn just enjoyed the arcade.
We all had a laugh , had some candy floss &ย went for some chips afterwards.
We got soaked! But it was worth it.

I had a bit of a panic attack before going as I didn’t know what to expect. I had never been before so it was a new experience. But I enjoyed when we got there ๐Ÿ™‚ย 

It helped having family around me ๐Ÿ™‚ย 

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Folly Farm.

Myself & Rob organised to meet up for a catch up with friends when we were in Surrey.
As they have children we thought Folly Farm was the best bet.ย 
I had never seen Giraffes before either so it was a win win.

We met up with Richard & Charlotte & their 3 gorgeous boys. Logan, Corey & Zac.ย 
Started at around 10:30am, myself & Rob went for breakfast & a coffee as we waited for them. We then wondered around the gift shop.ย 
We met up with them at 12:30pm in the reptile house ๐Ÿ˜€ย 
It was amazing !!ย 
We spent the whole day walking around slowly and seeing everything .ย 
We had a lovely catch up & pigged out with a double ice-cream ….. Which was MASSIVE !! (So worth it !!)
I went for the mint choc chip – as usual ๐Ÿ˜›ย 

It didn’t rain much which was a bonus. I think we literally had 5 minutes of drizzle & that was it .ย 
The sun shone the rest of the time.

Afterwards, we all went into Narberth for some chips ( I know – Take away again !!)ย 
And went to a carpark to eat them so we could chat & have a laugh .ย 

It was a fantastic day & my panic attacks stayed at bay.ย 

I was exhausted by the time we got home (9pm) . I was so drained it was unbelievable !!ย 
I think my illness got to me in a different way this time .ย 
I slept for over 12 hours !!!!ย 
But it was such a nice day , it was worth it .

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Band Practice – Carmarthen.
Waking up was a struggle. I was fighting everything . I could easily have slept some more – Even though I had 12 hours sleep.
I was in agony with my back & legs & I had a migraine . ๐Ÿ˜ฆ It wasn’t a good start to the day.
My body was fighting me on everything .ย 
I went downstairs & had to make lasagne , it was the easiest thing to make in the house. I was shaking & feeling dizzy . It was horrible .ย 
The 2 days of adventure had hit me like a ton of bricks .ย 
I made sure I drunk plenty of water & I ate all of my food . (It was 1pm)ย 
I then had to help Rob hang his clothes out . My body hated it. I was weak & felt ill.
Eventually we made it to the car & headed off for Rob’s band practice.ย 
When we arrived I felt a lot better . I munched on some chocolate on the way so I had some sugar in me.ย 

Band practice went really well & I managed to get some nice shots of them playing ๐Ÿ™‚ย 
It was a nice relaxing day for me , which I needed !!ย 
We went for food in Weatherspoon’s afterwards & ended up having free drinks because food was delayed . So I had a lovely caramel frappรฉ lol (I had 2 in total) .

After food we headed home . it was 10pm by the time we got back . I was dropping again & couldn’t wait to get into bed !!ย 

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All in all , it was a fantastic weekend . Despite my illness pushing me back a little bit , I managed to push through it.ย 
I am paying for it now with all the aches & pains & tiredness , but it was so nice to actually get out.ย 
I miss getting out & doing things .
It made me feel “normal” . Which I have mentioned before , is a big thing for me.ย 

Last week , I was catching up with one of my favourite artists on YouTube. I got a little jealous as he was going out & about on his own & grabbing a coffee. The little things that I want to do basically , &ย it made me feel a little low . Knowing I can’t do that because of my constant battles with my illness . But this weekend made me realise that I don’t need to do that ๐Ÿ™‚ I have very supportive friends & family who will do it with me & help me through my though times ๐Ÿ™‚ย 
So even though it may be the norm for some to go & do it alone , it isn’t my norm .ย 
Yes , I rely on people a lot , but those people are amazing & they are great to be around .
I am very lucky.