What speaking out has done for me.

Many people are terrified to speak out about suffering from mental illness .
I was one of these.

For many years my life was tough and 90% of it was down to me.
I wasn’t willing to accept my illness.

I hid it the best that I could when I was out of the house.
People just saw me as a timid child, but my home life was hell.
Constant arguing and fighting over stupid things. I couldn’t control my anger.
I wasn’t angry at my family, I was angry at myself, but I would blame them as it was easier.

Hiding anxiety is tough and when you lash out, you normally lash out at those closest to you.
My parents just thought I was a naughty child, but there was so much more to it, I just couldn’t tell them.

Eventually, I went to see a doctor when I was 16. I was diagnosed with depression at aged 6 but they put it down to school and being a “school phobic”.
I was a phobic of most things, anything that included people and strangers.
I spoke to the doctor and they advised me that I should take medication. They gave me leaflets and told me to speak about how I was feeling and to keep diaries to help me speak about it.
I did the diary part, but I never spoke out about it.
I refused medication for as long as I could. I did speak to my parents about my anxieties but very vaguely.

I went through a lot in my short life, counselling being a main thing in my life. I hated it. Strangers wanting to know everything about me and asking me why I was feeling this way etc etc. It’s not my cup of tea.

I gave in to medications at the age of 24. It made me spiral backwards and I was at an all time low. The doctors kept changing them often. I was getting worse and worse.
I managed, after a year and a half, to pull myself off them .

Eventually, when I was 25. I started CBT.
CBT changed my life.
I spoke to my family and loved ones about my illness. I opened up completely.
It lifted a massive weight.

CBT only lasts 8 weeks. One session , one hour a week, but it made a HUGE difference to me.
Alun helped me focus on the here and now. He made me realise I wasn’t weird or an outcast. I accepted my illness and I managed to help others accept me to.
He helped me make this blog page which in turn has helped a few other people cope with their mental illness. I have also made new friends through this and I don’t feel lost anymore.

Speaking out has helped me:

  • Stopped the arguments.
  • Made others understand that I’m not cutting them out, my anxieties restrict me.
  • Made new friends.
  • Helped others speak out.
  • See my friends more now.
  • Made a blog.
  • Taken a lot of weight off my shoulders.
  • Got people off my back about working again.
  • I’ve spoken about all of my physical illnesses, as speaking out about my mental illness has given me the confidence to be open.
  • Made me feel more “normal”.
  • I have accepted myself and the hand I have been dealt.

As terrifying as it is to think about, it really isn’t anything like that. Thinking about it is the worst part.
Once you know you’re ready to accept yourself, speaking is part of the healing process.
I’m no where near “cured”, but I am getting there. I am slowly taking steps in the right direction, and as long as this road may be, I know I can get through it.
Day by day, little by little.

I highly recommend speaking out to everyone.
The best people to start with are the ones closest to you. Eg. Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, etc.

You’ll be surprised by how many people understand.

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Being selfish.

This year I decided to do what I wanted to do .
Last year , as you know,  I went through hell and back with family and loved ones . We lost a lot and we’re left a mess .
I totally gave up .
But this year I’ve decided to be selfish .
I never put myself first and have always felt guilty for when I used to treat myself and not my friends or family .
Why should I ?
I deserve to be happy too !!
Last year proved that life is way too short to just sit back and hope and wish .
So this year , I have decided :

🌹 To eat clean and healthy .

Myself and my partner want to lose weight .
So far , so good .
All our food is clean and fresh 🙂
Low fat and barely any carbs .
No sweets but we do have fruit and hot chocolate to help with the cravings .

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🌹 Get my eyebrows tattooed .

I have shaved / plucked my eyebrows since age 18 . So I have zero as I hate my natural brows .
So I decided to get them tattooed on . Semi permanent make up .
They last up to 5 years if you keep topping them up every so often 🙂
Best decision I ever made !!

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🌹 Get more of my tattoo finished.

I started my sleeve tattoo last year . But as I had a lot going on , I ended up spending all of my savings on trying to save my dogs life (I regret nothing) .
So this year I have booked in for more work .
I have been put on the list for if a slot comes up . As William (tattooist) is fully booked for the year 🙂

🌹 Seeing friends more .

I rarely ever get out .
I go to Rob’s gigs but I’m always on my own , out the way somewhere  (I can’t do crowds)
So this year I am making time for those important people 🙂
This Saturday I have a few friends coming over for tea and some naughty cake (Home made – I’ll have a small piece)
Then in May I will be in London for The Damned and the day after I will be going to visit 2 amazing friends . We plan to go for food somewhere nice before heading home 🙂
Then in the summer they’re  coming to visit us 😀
Exciting times ahead !!

Simple little things ,  but they’re making all the difference . I feel more confident and happy about myself !!

I wish I had done this sooner 🙂
I know it sounds silly , but sometimes , being selfish really is ok 🙂

My Spiritual Experiences

Friday night is open circle night at the Spiritual Centre in Llanelli. Which I attended for the first time last Friday.
It was an amazing experience 😀

I was very nervous about going so I went with my Aunty.
We went out for a lovely meal before heading to the centre.
Both of us had no idea what to expect but we were looking forward to learning about it.

When we entered it was pretty empty. We were greeted by the main Medium and told that they wouldn’t freak us out. He explained a little bit about the circle and then let us mingle with the others.

In total there were about 50 people. We ended up having to put more chairs out into the circle.

We all sat in a circle with 5 mediums all around the room.
Most of us had readings, but sadly no one came through to us this time.
However, we met some lovely people. It was so peaceful there and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

I came home feeling calm and warm. Like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, even though I didn’t get a reading this time around.

The messages that did come through for others were lovely. They were all warm and loving and it made me happy to see others happy J

I highly recommend this experience to anyone who is open to it.

Last Tuesday, (Yesterday) I also attended an evening in the spiritual centre with my friend. A medium from another centre came in as a guest. She gave out messages to nearly the whole room.
She was very, very good!!

My friend had a message come through and towards the end there was a little message from my Nan too. Only to say she is around and she is sending love.
But it was lovely to hear it and it was lovely to hear my friend get a message too.

Yet again, I left feeling calm and warm.
It was an amazing experience!!

I will be attending again this Friday and the following Tuesday. I’m hoping to make this a regular thing.

The feeling when I leave the centre is truly amazing. It’s rare I ever feel calm and relaxed.
I am also very tempted to attend the Monday sessions for Spiritual Healing.
If anyone has experienced this themselves, please feel free to let me know any information about it J

I am quite excited for the next meetings.
Obviously, I will blog about them J

I have to apologise for the wait with this blog too.
I know a few of you have been asking when it will be up.
I really wanted to post about it last Monday. However, my Internet has been playing up so I have had to wait until it peaks a little before I can post anything.
I am hoping to get it sorted this week!!
Here’s hoping!!

Very busy , mentally challenging , physically exhausting .

So I have had one of the most busiest weekends this year .

I went to Porthcawl fair on Friday.
Folly Farm on Saturday.
And Band Practice with Grim Citizens, in Carmarthen on Sunday.

Porthcawl.

6pm I went to Porthcawl with Rob, my brother, sister in law, Katie & Brooklyn.
Emily had a sleep over at her friends so she didn’t come with us.
It was wet & windy but really fun!
Rob won me a teddy . I won one myself too.

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(Rob won the white one – I won the meerkat) 

Katie went on nearly every ride possible & Brooklyn just enjoyed the arcade.
We all had a laugh , had some candy floss & went for some chips afterwards.
We got soaked! But it was worth it.

I had a bit of a panic attack before going as I didn’t know what to expect. I had never been before so it was a new experience. But I enjoyed when we got there 🙂 

It helped having family around me 🙂 

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Folly Farm.

Myself & Rob organised to meet up for a catch up with friends when we were in Surrey.
As they have children we thought Folly Farm was the best bet. 
I had never seen Giraffes before either so it was a win win.

We met up with Richard & Charlotte & their 3 gorgeous boys. Logan, Corey & Zac. 
Started at around 10:30am, myself & Rob went for breakfast & a coffee as we waited for them. We then wondered around the gift shop. 
We met up with them at 12:30pm in the reptile house 😀 
It was amazing !! 
We spent the whole day walking around slowly and seeing everything . 
We had a lovely catch up & pigged out with a double ice-cream ….. Which was MASSIVE !! (So worth it !!)
I went for the mint choc chip – as usual 😛 

It didn’t rain much which was a bonus. I think we literally had 5 minutes of drizzle & that was it . 
The sun shone the rest of the time.

Afterwards, we all went into Narberth for some chips ( I know – Take away again !!) 
And went to a carpark to eat them so we could chat & have a laugh . 

It was a fantastic day & my panic attacks stayed at bay. 

I was exhausted by the time we got home (9pm) . I was so drained it was unbelievable !! 
I think my illness got to me in a different way this time . 
I slept for over 12 hours !!!! 
But it was such a nice day , it was worth it .

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Band Practice – Carmarthen.
Waking up was a struggle. I was fighting everything . I could easily have slept some more – Even though I had 12 hours sleep.
I was in agony with my back & legs & I had a migraine . 😦 It wasn’t a good start to the day.
My body was fighting me on everything . 
I went downstairs & had to make lasagne , it was the easiest thing to make in the house. I was shaking & feeling dizzy . It was horrible . 
The 2 days of adventure had hit me like a ton of bricks . 
I made sure I drunk plenty of water & I ate all of my food . (It was 1pm) 
I then had to help Rob hang his clothes out . My body hated it. I was weak & felt ill.
Eventually we made it to the car & headed off for Rob’s band practice. 
When we arrived I felt a lot better . I munched on some chocolate on the way so I had some sugar in me. 

Band practice went really well & I managed to get some nice shots of them playing 🙂 
It was a nice relaxing day for me , which I needed !! 
We went for food in Weatherspoon’s afterwards & ended up having free drinks because food was delayed . So I had a lovely caramel frappé lol (I had 2 in total) .

After food we headed home . it was 10pm by the time we got back . I was dropping again & couldn’t wait to get into bed !! 

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All in all , it was a fantastic weekend . Despite my illness pushing me back a little bit , I managed to push through it. 
I am paying for it now with all the aches & pains & tiredness , but it was so nice to actually get out. 
I miss getting out & doing things .
It made me feel “normal” . Which I have mentioned before , is a big thing for me. 

Last week , I was catching up with one of my favourite artists on YouTube. I got a little jealous as he was going out & about on his own & grabbing a coffee. The little things that I want to do basically , & it made me feel a little low . Knowing I can’t do that because of my constant battles with my illness . But this weekend made me realise that I don’t need to do that 🙂 I have very supportive friends & family who will do it with me & help me through my though times 🙂 
So even though it may be the norm for some to go & do it alone , it isn’t my norm . 
Yes , I rely on people a lot , but those people are amazing & they are great to be around .
I am very lucky.

Gym & Depression

I started the gym last Monday (20th)
It’s been really great ! 
The first day I was with a personal trainer for induction and she went over what to do and not to do regarding my illnesses . She was really great with me . 
I was so nervous before going . Although I went with a friend . I didn’t know what to expect and my anxiety was sky high . 

I didn’t sleep properly the night before , I felt too sick to .
I had about 2 hours sleep before heading to the gym at 9:30am .
I was shaking but doing my best not to show it . 

The trainer kept asking me questions and I could only answer with one word to start with . After 30 minutes I was ok . But to start with , it was hell (mentally) . 

But I did it !! I fought through the anxiety and I went . I felt so much better for it 🙂 

I am now on day 3 , going into day 4 of the gym and I am feeling the benefits already !!

I lost 10lbs on the teatox diet , in 9 days !! So that helped boost me a little . 
I am currently waiting for my 28 day teatox to show up so I can carry on with it 😀 
But the gym is helping on top . 
I do feel tired after it , but it is only the first week 🙂 

I am eating healthy still . But enjoying it . I have cut out rubbish but I do enjoy my food . I play around a lot with things to get the best flavours . 

I’m not ready to put photo’s up yet of my fat belly , but once I get to a comfortable weight , I will show you all the results 🙂 
I was 15.5 stone before starting and am currently down to 14.09 stone . So I am slowly getting there . Little by little 🙂

The gym has been challenging . I can’t push myself too hard as I have spine problems and knee and hip . But I am on the treadmill for 20-30 mins a day and the bike for 10 mins . I go on the rower for 10 minutes if my body is up to it . But that is my routine 🙂 
I’m not allowed to lift weights , sadly , but the rower should make up for that .

I went to the gym yesterday with my best friend . She had been there longer than me so had to leave to make an appointment . As it was quiet I decided to stay . I lasted 40 minutes in there all together . I only left because someone else came along . 
I’m still not ready to face the world alone . But I am getting there . 
It is a struggle and I still get major panic attacks . But I am handling it a lot better now 🙂

With my depression , over the last 3 days , I have seemed to pick up a lot . 
The Teatox was also helping a little , but the gym seems to be helping more , and I would recommend it to anyone who is willing to try it 🙂 

Having to leave the gym after 40 mins did effect me a little . It didn’t last too long though . 
I did think I was stupid and others would see it that way and call me on it . They haven’t though 😀 
The depression and bad thoughts lasted about 30 minutes or so and then I just got on with my day . (Not that I do much lol) .

Today was a better day as myself and my best friend lasted an hour at the gym together . We decided an hour was enough for us today and next week we will try going for an hour and a half . 
But we are building up to it . 
Last thing we need is to push ourselves too far and have to take a break so soon haha .

We are going 5 days a week , but taking the weekend as a rest so we don’t over do it 🙂 

I will keep updating my progress on the gym and let you know how my anxiety and depression weighs up too . 

Hopefully , it will keep getting better 🙂

Lush hair review

As you know I have been using “Rehab” & “American Dream” by Lush to try and get my hair in better shape .

So far , so good !!

I have really frizzy and curly hair , and as I have a short fringe I have to straighten my hair daily and the fringe is a pain !!
Since using this shampoo and conditioner though , my fringe is staying in tact from the minute I finish drying my hair . I also have A LOT LESS frizz and my curls are looking better …. To the point that I don’t have to straighten my hair every day . Which is obviously helping with my hairs condition too 😀 

I feel so much more confident . 
My hair smells amazing all the time and it’s shiny and so much nicer than ever before . I love wearing my hair down now and feeling good about it . 

I have gotten into the bad habit of smelling my hair though LOL 
It smells SOOO good !! 

Highly recommend this product to anyone . 

Links are below if you are interested 🙂 

Really worth EVERY PENNY !!

https://www.lush.co.uk/products/rehab

Rehab-Packaging

https://www.lush.co.uk/products/american-cream

American-Cream-Packaging

Update on ‘Dream Cream’ for my Eczema

So it’s been about a week since I started using “Dream Cream” by Lush .

It has worked wonders 😀 So happy with it 
Not only does it smell good & feel good . But it works !!

My hands were sore for about a year or so . Couldn’t do anything with them and the Doctors refused to give me more steroid cream (I haven’t used it for nearly 4 years now) . So I have been hunting out the next best thing . 
A friend recommended me this cream for dry skin and said it worked wonders on her eczema . 
So I gave it a go . 

It really is the best choice I have ever made !
It doesn’t even sting when you apply it . That was one thing I found most creams did and they would then make it worse . But Dream Cream is fantastic !!

I am now doing an experiment with my legs . 
I have horrible dry patches of eczema all over my legs and they look awful . I have to keep them covered . 
I will post an update on that later on 🙂 

But I think I will keep this short and sweet and end it here just by saying it is amazing and well worth a try .

These are the results (The first photo was taken a few months ago) 

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