Bullying is not ok .

So like millions of others I have seen and read Keaton Jones’ story online . It started off on Twitter and then I saw it all over social media . I felt bad for the kid . Having been bullied for many years in school myself and finding the video so relatable . I cried with the boy and really felt for him and his family .  

Sadly , it was all a ploy to raise money for his mother . 

Apparently, she is very racist and all she is interested in is money and not her son’s welfare . 

She used her son . That is not ok .

If anything to me she sounds like a bully . 

She used innocent people, including famous people . Those we look up to and respect, people children look up to ! E.g. Captain America and The Hulk ! Some of the kindest people I have followed online who genuinely wanted to help her son . Along with a massive list of other celebrities . She used them to raise money for herself . 

I thought I would add that last image in so people would understand a bit more of what a bully is .

They come in all shapes and sizes . And sadly age doesn’t matter . 

Now I’m going to get a bit personal because this all really got to me and for legit reasons . I’m not doing this to get attention , I am doing this to show the truth of what can happen when bullying happens in someone’s life . I know many have had it worse than me and are still having it worse than me . I respect that and in no way am I making out my life is the worst ever . I am just going to say about my experience and what it is still doing to me . And maybe , people will understand a bit better, how much bullying does impact someone’s life as a whole .
As a child, I was extremely quite. I wouldn’t say boo to a fly let alone anything else. Teachers would tell my parents how lovely I was and polite. How I would get involved in sing-a-longs and always help someone who didn’t know what to do in certain activities. I would go out of my way to help anyone. I wasn’t talkative like the rest though. I’d only speak when needed and always enjoyed playing one on one and not in a group. I was shy. 

This, I feel made me an easy target. Although it shouldn’t matter, it did. 

I enjoyed school until I was around 6 years old. I went everyday and the only thing I would moan about was getting up early to go in. But there was never any other problem. Until a few new boys started. They singled me out. And that’s where a heap load of trouble started. 

It started with name calling. Which mentally got to me. I started believing them, thinking I did something wrong. It became a slippery slope. The bullying started to get physical about a year later. Hair pulling at first, because I had a lot of curly hair. Then slapping, tripping me up and eventually punching. Teachers really tried but it never worked. No matter what they did it just made it worse. When I was around 8, I was taken to hospital with pains in my collarbone. It was oesteomalitis. Liquid arthritis in a rare place, my collarbone. I was in for weeks in pain. (This wasn’t caused by bullying, but I’ll get to that part now). It was agony. I had an operation but the liquid had moved to another part of my body. They found traces but nothing else in the bone, so they couldn’t remove it. I was warned it could come back anywhere in my body and I was to report all aches and pains just to be safe. After weeks in hospital I was told to take it easy and not to do sports or anything that would cause my collarbone to ache, as it was hollow and fragile. 

As usual, everyone found out. Including the bullies. This was yet another opportunity to single me out. And yes, as you can guess, they singled out that area and hurt me. 

Eventually, I healed. I caught a break for a few months from the bullies. Then the October that year , my Mamgu (Gran) passed away. We were extremely close . This completely broke me and to be honest, I’ve never gotten over it. I took a lot of time off school. I did try going back for a week but I couldn’t cope. Constant floods of tears when anyone mentioned anything I related with her. Especially flowers . (She was a gardener, she helped me control my anxiety through learning how to care for flowers) . 

It took me a long time to be able to face people. But I had to in the end, and once again, the bullies used that. They were so cruel. After that, I couldn’t cope. I refused to leave the house. We had child services calling out because they just thought I was a naughty child. 

As I stated, I was quiet, I didn’t even tell my parents half of what happened. They knew name calling was happening but nothing more. I hid my feelings well. 

This went on for years. I’d go to school some days just to shut people up. But most of the time I’d lock myself away. Claiming I was sick. I even went to the doctors on a weekly basis because my mother didn’t know what was wrong. 

Eventually, my GP clicked. She diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and said she thinks it all started around aged 6, when the bullying started. 

But of course, schools didn’t understand back then. So the preassure was still on. 

Now everyone feels sorry for the victim but no one thinks about the parents and the family around them. 

My family went through hell. There wasn’t any support for them. They were diagnosed with depression. The difference was, they were on medications that took the edge off. I was too young. Not that I like pills of any sort. But I needed help and so did my family. 

They were threatened with court. For me skipping so much school. They had me at home in fits of tears and anger because I just couldn’t talk about things. They had no one to turn to for help. They were just as lost as I was. 

Eventually, I went to secondary school .

My best friend went to a different one. I had to go where my brothers went. I hated it. The bullying got a lot worse and the school wasn’t interested. It got to a point that I was pushed down stairs and locked in lifts. It was more physical. I was getting mental abuse too. Being fat shamed and told I should kill myself because I was worthless. Needless to say, self harming started. I hated my life. I hated myself. What was the point in living when the world was cold and cruel ? 

My parents eventually found out. It’s kind of hard hiding self harm and constant hatred for yourself. Especially at 11 years old. 

They contacted the school. Had numerous meetings. Only to be told . And I quote. 

“It’s all in her head, she’s young and attentionseeking” .

My parents were told this by the headmaster of a secondary school . A fully grown adult . 

Eventually they got counsellors involved. I had 3 in the space of a year . All working with me . All said I had school phobia and anxiety and depression . But yet again, nothing was put in place by the school . 

Come the second year of secondary school I was spiralling. My parents decided to change schools. I was put with my best friend. I was happy and continued to be for about 6 months. But that soon changed when the bullies got involved. They found out about my past, saw me as an easy target . It went on for years with name calling . But I was ok . I was doing better as it wasn’t physical . I was still missing school but not as much . 

Until the fighting started . 

I was 14 . I got my first boyfriend, he went to the school opposite. I was happy and the bullies didn’t like it. They got jealous. At first they just started stirring but my boyfriend knew better and ignored it. Then they got physical with me and my best friend. I could take it myself but when I saw them hurt my best friend I lost it. I found out I had one hell of a temper and I was quite strong. I also found out that violence doesn’t solve anything. 

I got into more and more fights. I got detention. And the bullying never stopped. I started missing school a lot. My boyfriend left me. I spiralled again. 

It kept happening until GCSE’S.  Where I went from being a top student. Always getting A’s despite missing so much school. To failing my exams. I got 2 F’s and 2 U’s . 

I spiralled. Again. Although I loved the fact I never had to go to school again . I failed something I knew I was good at. All because of these bullies and the schools not helping me. I was let down. I let myself down. I let my family down. 

I took a year out to try and find myself . I worked in my local food store and I loved it at first. I kept myself to myself. Went in early and on time . Worked hard and came home. However, even at 16/17 bullies were around. One came out of the woodwork and again I spiralled. I left my job. 

I then decided to start collage . I was 18 that December . I did performing arts. I loved acting. It’s all I ever wanted to do. I don’t know if it was the right choice though. Some students enjoyed the drama and causing trouble. The teachers loved them and there wasn’t anything you could say against them. I became close to one tutor . He was amazing . He understood me. He became like a big brother. I worked hard thanks to him and he made me believe in myself again .  Life wasn’t perfect but it was getting better. 

I left performing arts after the first year. I finished with the highest grade. I just had enough. As much as I loved acting and it was the career I wanted to choose. I went onto do theatre lighting and sound technology . The tutor being the one I was close to . Life picked up . It was good . He showed me that I should believe in myself . I knew what I was doing . I was a good student. I worked hard. 

Again though, life came to a halt when I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. At first we didn’t know what it was. I was just extremely ill all the time. I couldn’t eat or drink . My lecturer did all he could and kept me on the course working from home on paper work . He checked in daily with me and offered my family support. 

Once I was diagnosed and started treatment I was back in college . It was great . I had to take it easy at first so I was on the desks and drawing up lighting plans . I helped with set design and costume . It was fantastic . 

I started dating . Wrong move .  It was a guy on the course. Of course , he wasn’t really interested and just wanted gossip . Which stupid me gave as I’m too open for my own good. He then broke up with me and started telling everyone my business . People started bullying again . I was an adult and they still wouldn’t stop . 

I started to go into myself. Eating on my own. Hiding in the hall where we worked, behind the blacks (curtains). My lecturer found out and decided he was going to eat lunch with me . He’d send me to get the lunch for us and coffee …. Always coffee haha . Then we’d sit and talk about work . He got me to hang out with one of my very close friends , she’s still here for me today . She looked after me through thick or thin . My lecturer helped me come out of my shell.  College became the best time of my life. I was learning to cope . I had friends around me all the time, and if they were off sick I had my lecturer. He encouraged me. I passed the course with the highest mark. I even learned extra because I finished early. I learnt how to pat test theatre lights πŸ™‚ 

I then took some time off as I was getting aches and pains in my spine. When I did performing arts I slipped in the dance studio and hurt my back . It turns out I have 3 broken discs but at this point , we didn’t know . 

So I went to work in many shops . I couldn’t seem to hold a job down. I developed a panic disorder. Employers don’t seem to understand what that means. So I’d have to leave so I could have breaks in between jobs . 

Eventually I went to university . Biggest mistake I made . I was around 25 . The oldest on my course . I did theatre lighting and design . The lighting tutor hated me because he hated my old tutor . The course as a whole I had already done in college . The group’s I had to work in weren’t pulling their weight and making me do all the work . Then when something went wrong they would blame me . 

I was told I was dyslexic and dyspraxic.  Which made sense . But that made me an easy target for those who would get angry and throw their toys out of the pram . 

I was on the course with a good friend of mine . He would give me a lift and work with me daily . But that didn’t change the way I felt .  I became very ill with aches and pains and no one knew why . People would call me lazy in uni when I couldn’t lift something .  My friend always helped and didn’t mind doing it for me but the comments from others really got to me . They used to make fun all the time . Sarcastic comments . All that childish crap . It really got me though and I started to spiral slowly .  In the end it got too much so I quit . I left and had to get a job . 

The job I was in was retail . It was money . Not my dream job , but money none the less . I worked 46 + hour weeks and I worked hard for 3 solid months. I even broke a bone on the side of my foot from a staff night out . I ploughed through the best I could . Until one day, I was serving an elderly couple, they were lovely . Nothing was wrong. But I remember collapsing and hitting my head on the concrete floor . I was knocked out for a few seconds and when I came around I was nauseous . So I went to the toilet where I was ill.  I was sent home . 

It turns out my body went into fight or flight . It chose flight and shut down . I was too much of a danger to myself to go back to work . 

I lived off my parents for a year until I was registered disabled . 

And trust me , it’s not easy . 

People seem to think it’s so easy to be disabled. I look ok so I must be fine . It’s hard . 

I’m now 29 . I have no job . I have a lot of debt . I’m exhausted daily and I’m always fighting myself . My dream went out the window years ago . I don’t have much . And all of this stems from being bullied .  It has destroyed my life . 

But despite that , I still smile . I’m still here fighting . I’m always here for anyone who needs me and I will continue to be . Because despite the crap I have been through and am still going through , I won’t let bullies win . 

I’m 29 and I still have to put up with bullying .  Just a matter of weeks ago 2 so called friends were name calling and spreading rumours about me . I cut them out . But I would be lying if I said it was easy . Because it’s not . It still gets to me . It still makes me feel like a bad person, although I know I haven’t done anything wrong . 
This is the after effect of bullying . This is what it starts . It doesn’t matter when it starts , as a kid , teen , adult . Bullying is not ok . It does destroy lives and it does hurt . 

It may seem funny to some . But it hurts others and it drains you of everything you have . 

This woman who used her son for money . Used his pain to get what she wants . She is a bully and this is going to have a knock on effect . In my eyes , it’s child abuse and something needs to be done . 

Bullying is no laughing matter . It needs to stop . People need to stand up and talk about it . They need to call the bullies out and something needs to be done . 

No one deserves to be bullied . No one !

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Being selfish.

This year I decided to do what I wanted to do .
Last year , as you know,  I went through hell and back with family and loved ones . We lost a lot and we’re left a mess .
I totally gave up .
But this year I’ve decided to be selfish .
I never put myself first and have always felt guilty for when I used to treat myself and not my friends or family .
Why should I ?
I deserve to be happy too !!
Last year proved that life is way too short to just sit back and hope and wish .
So this year , I have decided :

🌹 To eat clean and healthy .

Myself and my partner want to lose weight .
So far , so good .
All our food is clean and fresh πŸ™‚
Low fat and barely any carbs .
No sweets but we do have fruit and hot chocolate to help with the cravings .

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🌹 Get my eyebrows tattooed .

I have shaved / plucked my eyebrows since age 18 . So I have zero as I hate my natural brows .
So I decided to get them tattooed on . Semi permanent make up .
They last up to 5 years if you keep topping them up every so often πŸ™‚
Best decision I ever made !!

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🌹 Get more of my tattoo finished.

I started my sleeve tattoo last year . But as I had a lot going on , I ended up spending all of my savings on trying to save my dogs life (I regret nothing) .
So this year I have booked in for more work .
I have been put on the list for if a slot comes up . As William (tattooist) is fully booked for the year πŸ™‚

🌹 Seeing friends more .

I rarely ever get out .
I go to Rob’s gigs but I’m always on my own , out the way somewhere  (I can’t do crowds)
So this year I am making time for those important people πŸ™‚
This Saturday I have a few friends coming over for tea and some naughty cake (Home made – I’ll have a small piece)
Then in May I will be in London for The Damned and the day after I will be going to visit 2 amazing friends . We plan to go for food somewhere nice before heading home πŸ™‚
Then in the summer they’re  coming to visit us πŸ˜€
Exciting times ahead !!

Simple little things ,  but they’re making all the difference . I feel more confident and happy about myself !!

I wish I had done this sooner πŸ™‚
I know it sounds silly , but sometimes , being selfish really is ok πŸ™‚

Cutting ties & moving forward.

Happy New Year everyone πŸ™‚
I hope 2016 treats you well .

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I wanted to write this blog as it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while .
I went through a lot in 2015 . The ups and the major downs.  It was a long roller coaster ride of emotions .
But one thing that has taken a while to click with me, is the loss of friends .

We all go through life meeting new people. We all lose someone in some way shape or form , but I’m not on about the ‘normal’ loss of friends through losing contact or just life getting in the way.  I’m on about losing someone who you considered to be a friend .
The fake friend.
Someone who you put your life on hold for , to meet up with.
Someone who you threw your problems aside for and tried to help them when they were at breaking point .
(But who wouldn’t do this for you .)

And then when their life starts to pick back up, they kick you to the curb .

It feels awful .
The feeling of being used .
No one deserves that .
I don’t understand how people can put someone through it .

Oh my life is hell , they’ll understand

– When you become good enough for them. –

Now my life is back on track, I don’t need that ‘negative’ friend who has helped me through it all, I’ll just kick them to the curb and move on with my life” .

– The part where they become too good for you and you become the negative one . Because they are on the slight “up” that life has given them . –

I’ve been thinking about it a lot . As I do over think things, that’s the whole thing about anxiety .
As much as it magnifies every emotion , it can , every once in a while , make you see things clearly .

I gave my time .
I gave up hours of my days .
I would drop everything for this friend .
I would push my problems aside and I would listen to them go on and on about theirs .
They would cry,  get angry and really vent .
They needed someone and I was willing to be that someone .
To be the shoulder .
I truly believed that they wanted to be friends .
That they were a nice person .
When really , they just saw me for the soft person that I am .
For the person who will do anything to see others happy .

As soon as I had done my work . They got their life back on track , for now. They have a job again , and I feel like they now think they’re better than me. 

I had tried to make contact with this person . But there was always some excuse .
I asked them if everything was ok between us .

They lied .

I then saw them when out and about and they ignored me but acknowledged my friend .

Then in passing conversation between said friends , they dropped the news in about a job .

And it all clicked .

Whilst they think they’re being clever . They’re actually showing their true self .

I was good enough when no one else would listen to them , but the minute they get a part of their life back , boom . I’m not good enough .

They only got their idea of said job , from me . Which is what I find amusing .

I’m better than her now , because I have the job she said would be perfect for me and pointed me in the right direction

But instead of a thank you , I just get tossed aside .

The best part to it all ?

They don’t realise that with depression , it’ll always come back .

The paranoir , the sleepless nights , Panic attacks , feeling ill , feeling unwanted , unloved . Etc .
It isn’t a once in a life time thing that just goes over night . Depression is always there . It just hides until you let your guard down , and then it jumps right back on .

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2015 taught me a lot of hard lessons . The main one is having to let go .

So this blog , is me letting go .
It’s the final goodbye to a toxic relationship .
I may be unfit to work because of health issues , but that doesn’t give anyone the right to treat me like an underdog .
It doesn’t make you a better person because you can get up pain free every day . It doesn’t change who you are .
And nothing gives you the right to treat someone this way .

I know I’m not the only one who has gone through this .
So my advice to you is , cut them off .
Don’t let them get to you. 
They used you and yes it sucks .
They took your nice nature and used it to their advantage .
But that doesn’t make you a bad person , it makes them the bad person .
So instead of just dwelling on it , say your final goodbye , in what ever way you feel appropriate,  and cut all ties .

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I feel good after venting all of this πŸ™‚
Now I can move on to the next chapter of my life .
I hope you can too πŸ™‚

Gym & Depression

I started the gym last Monday (20th)
It’s been really great !Β 
The first day I was with a personal trainer for induction and she went over what to do and not to do regarding my illnesses . She was really great with me .Β 
I was so nervous before going . Although I went with a friend . I didn’t know what to expect and my anxiety was sky high .Β 

I didn’t sleep properly the night before , I felt too sick to .
I had about 2 hours sleep before heading to the gym at 9:30am .
I was shaking but doing my best not to show it .Β 

The trainer kept asking me questions and I could only answer with one word to start with . After 30 minutes I was ok . But to start with , it was hell (mentally) .Β 

But I did it !! I fought through the anxiety and I went . I felt so much better for it πŸ™‚Β 

I am now on day 3 , going into day 4 of the gym and I am feeling the benefits already !!

I lost 10lbs on the teatox diet , in 9 days !! So that helped boost me a little .Β 
I am currently waiting for my 28 day teatox to show up so I can carry on withΒ it πŸ˜€Β 
But the gym is helping on top .Β 
I do feel tired after it , but it is only the first week πŸ™‚Β 

I am eating healthy still . But enjoying it . I have cut out rubbish but I do enjoy my food . I play around a lot with things to get the best flavours .Β 

I’m not ready to put photo’s up yet of my fat belly , but once I get to a comfortable weight , I will show you all the results πŸ™‚Β 
I was 15.5 stone before starting and am currently down to 14.09 stone . So I am slowly getting there . Little by little πŸ™‚

The gym has been challenging . I can’t push myself too hard as I have spine problems and knee and hip . But I am on the treadmill for 20-30 mins a day and the bike for 10 mins . I go on the rower for 10 minutes if my body is up to it . But that is my routine πŸ™‚Β 
I’m not allowed to lift weights , sadly , but the rower should make up for that .

I went to the gym yesterday with my best friend . She had been there longer than me so had to leave to make an appointment . As it was quiet I decided to stay . I lasted 40 minutes in there all together . I only left because someone else came along .Β 
I’m still not ready to face the world alone . But I am getting there .Β 
It is a struggle and I still get major panic attacks . But I am handling it a lot better now πŸ™‚

With my depression , over the last 3 days , I have seemed to pick up a lot .Β 
The Teatox was also helping a little , but the gym seems to be helping more , and I would recommend it to anyone who is willing to try it πŸ™‚Β 

Having to leave the gym after 40 mins did effect me a little . It didn’t last too long though .Β 
I did think I was stupid and others would see it that way and call me on it . They haven’t though πŸ˜€Β 
The depression and bad thoughts lasted about 30 minutes or so and then I just got on with my day . (Not that I do much lol) .

Today was a better day as myself and my best friend lasted an hour at the gym together . We decided an hour was enough for us today and next week we will try going for an hour and a half .Β 
But we are building up to it .Β 
Last thing we need is to push ourselves too far and have to take a break so soon haha .

We are going 5 days a week , but taking the weekend as a rest so we don’t over do it πŸ™‚Β 

I will keep updating my progress on the gym and let you know how my anxiety and depression weighs up too .Β 

Hopefully , it will keep getting better πŸ™‚

Update on ‘Dream Cream’ for my Eczema

So it’s been about a week since I started using “Dream Cream” by Lush .

It has worked wonders πŸ˜€ So happy with itΒ 
Not only does it smell good & feel good . But it works !!

My hands were sore for about a year or so . Couldn’t do anything with them and the Doctors refused to give me more steroid cream (I haven’t used it for nearly 4 years now) . So I have been hunting out the next best thing .Β 
A friend recommended me this cream for dry skin and said it worked wonders on her eczema .Β 
So I gave it a go .Β 

It really is the best choice I have ever made !
It doesn’t even sting when you apply it . That was one thing I found most creams did and they would then make it worse . But Dream Cream is fantastic !!

I am now doing an experiment with my legs .Β 
I have horrible dry patches of eczema all over my legs and they look awful . I have to keep them covered .Β 
I will post an update on that later on πŸ™‚Β 

But I think I will keep this short and sweet and end it here just by saying it is amazing and well worth a try .

These are the results (The first photo was taken a few months ago)Β 

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