Anxiety, Beauty, Carmarthenshire, CBT, Coming together, Depression, Eczema, Excited, Exciting, Family, Friends, Future, Gig, Health, Heartbreak, Illness, Invisible illness, Llanelli, Love, Mental Illness, Panic attacks, Panic Disorder, South Wales, South West Wales, UK, Wales

Being selfish.

This year I decided to do what I wanted to do .
Last year , as you know,  I went through hell and back with family and loved ones . We lost a lot and we’re left a mess .
I totally gave up .
But this year I’ve decided to be selfish .
I never put myself first and have always felt guilty for when I used to treat myself and not my friends or family .
Why should I ?
I deserve to be happy too !!
Last year proved that life is way too short to just sit back and hope and wish .
So this year , I have decided :

🌹 To eat clean and healthy .

Myself and my partner want to lose weight .
So far , so good .
All our food is clean and fresh 🙂
Low fat and barely any carbs .
No sweets but we do have fruit and hot chocolate to help with the cravings .



🌹 Get my eyebrows tattooed .

I have shaved / plucked my eyebrows since age 18 . So I have zero as I hate my natural brows .
So I decided to get them tattooed on . Semi permanent make up .
They last up to 5 years if you keep topping them up every so often 🙂
Best decision I ever made !!




🌹 Get more of my tattoo finished.

I started my sleeve tattoo last year . But as I had a lot going on , I ended up spending all of my savings on trying to save my dogs life (I regret nothing) .
So this year I have booked in for more work .
I have been put on the list for if a slot comes up . As William (tattooist) is fully booked for the year 🙂

🌹 Seeing friends more .

I rarely ever get out .
I go to Rob’s gigs but I’m always on my own , out the way somewhere  (I can’t do crowds)
So this year I am making time for those important people 🙂
This Saturday I have a few friends coming over for tea and some naughty cake (Home made – I’ll have a small piece)
Then in May I will be in London for The Damned and the day after I will be going to visit 2 amazing friends . We plan to go for food somewhere nice before heading home 🙂
Then in the summer they’re  coming to visit us 😀
Exciting times ahead !!

Simple little things ,  but they’re making all the difference . I feel more confident and happy about myself !!

I wish I had done this sooner 🙂
I know it sounds silly , but sometimes , being selfish really is ok 🙂

Anxiety, Beauty, Coming together, Depression, Excited, Health, Illness, Invisible illness, Love, Medication, Mental Illness, Panic attacks

A yoyo of emotions

Friday 28th August , myself and Rob travelled from South Wales to Surrey. 
What was meant to be a 3 and a half hour journey, turned into 7 hours.
The traffic was horrendous and there were accidents everywhere.

The Sat Nav took us through a route that wasn’t on our printed map and we both ended up panicking . It was awful ! 
But we eventually got there and checked into our hotel room.
I was so relieved to arrive ! 
We unpacked and went for food in Toby Carvery. 
The food was really nice and we ended up having a good few drinks too. It was so nice to relax.

We travelled up for a wedding. So we were nervous but excited too.
Our friends were getting married and we only knew them and one other. 

After getting an early night, we woke up at 8am. Showered and I dolled up. It took me 2 hours to curl my hair …. I don’t envy women who do this daily !
I was super bloated as my Ulcerative Colitis was playing up.
My face puffed up and my stomach made me look about 7 months pregnant .
The dress was a little snug so I was gutted and feeling like a beach ball.

Luckily, Rob had booked the taxi the night before , so we were ready in time and the taxi was right outside .
I’m so glad we decided a taxi would be best as we would never have found the place. 
There are 2 Mill Lane’s in Surrey apparently …. We found them both haha! 

The wedding was at Coltsford Mill, Mill Lane. VERY posh and so picturesque. 
It was like we were in a dream! 

When we arrived we saw the beautiful bride .
All had a hug and a laugh and then went to the bar area.
Sadly, there was no alcohol before the ceremony so we stuck to apple and orange juice.

2pm came and we headed to the ceremony room.
Once again , it was beautiful ! 

The ceremony was perfect . It was “them” . Every last detail was spot on. And the bride looked truly amazing !! 
After a few giggles through the ceremony when they said their vows and shed a tear or two of joy , we all headed out to the carpark for photos.
Sadly, the heavens opened up and it started to rain so we were delayed for a while. But this didn’t ruin anything , the photographer took control and she made the wedding photos look perfect . Even if the weather was against them , she didn’t let it win 🙂 

After some buck fizz and a chat we all headed to the front of the carpark where we all raised a few glasses and posed for photos . 
I honestly cannot wait to see them. 

After the photos it was food time.
Which once again was perfect .
There really isn’t any other way to describe it.
Everything was yummy. 

We were sat on a table with people we didn’t know.
I was very panicky and kept as close to Rob as possible.
I didn’t want to have a major panic attack in a room full of people so I tried to zone out.

However, two very lovely people introduced themselves to us, and we have become very good friends. 
I explained to them that I’m not very well and I said I may come across as awkward when I don’t meant to , but they were more than understanding .
We stayed with them all night, having a laugh . 

I was dreading meeting people because of my illnesses .
I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it , but they made me feel comfortable about it all .
They didn’t pry or judge.
They just accepted it. 

It was lovely, and a first!  

The speeches were great !
The best men trying to speak Welsh was just hilarious ! But it was a lovely touch . 

The after party went on until 11pm . 
There were free drinks flowing for a few hours thanks to the parents of the bride 😀 
I personally think they have got guts, opening a bar tab knowing there are Welsh in the room 😉 haha! 

It was perfect though , we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves . 

When we got back to the hotel around midnight , we ordered a take away as we were starving. 
Of course it had to be pizza with all the veggie toppings 😉 
And then we slept. Like babies ! 

Sadly , the next day wasn’t a good day.
I was very bloated and in a lot of pain. 

To take my mind off it, Rob decided to take me shopping .
It was a great idea and I was super excited . 

But Surrey didn’t have any good shops near to where we were staying . 
I ended up buying a biography in a charity shop for £1 and then headed back to the hotel.
Where we stayed in the room with me doped up on Zapain . 

Once again , being lazy we ordered a take away .
This time chips ! 

Rob had a fish the size of his arm and I had some beans with mine .
They were stunning !
Fatty , but stunning !

On a flare up I find only greasy foods work ok with my UC. I don’t know why , but everything else makes it all too painful . 

That night we decided we were going to travel home .
It was 10pm , we were bored and the M25 was clear at this time so we would get home in good time . 

Luckily we did , as a friend reported that the next day she had broken down on the M25 and that there were major delays . 
So we had a lucky escape ! 

Over all the weekend was amazing ! 
The shopping was disappointing but otherwise , we had fun , and made new friends 😀 

Now comes the down side . 
Travelling really takes it out of me, so as you can guess, I was exhausted .
I still am . 

I feel like I could sleep for days .
I’m also not used to eating out and my UC was already bad before leaving .
I took Pentasa , which I’m on and off at the moment as it causes more problems than good , but I thought if I took it , it would help prevent a bad flare up .

Oh boy was I wrong ! 

Along with chest pains , panic attacks and joint pain , my UC was so bad last night that I nearly ended up in hospital .
I was crying I was so scared . 

THANKFULLY , after 3 hours of drinking water and eventually getting my panic attacks under control . I managed to settle things down . 

It was terrifying and I never want that to happen again . 
I’m still having chest pains today , with a few panic attacks , but I’m controlling them for now . 
I am hoping to see a Doctor tomorrow about it all .
The chest pains are worrying me a little as it’s not just happening with panic attacks …. It’s a constant pain . 

As usual , with the anxiety , I am thinking the worst . 
Even though it is probably nothing , I keep thinking it could be cancer or a tumour …. Stupid I know ! But once again , anxiety just takes over and frightens me . 
It’s the case of , I know it isn’t , but it’s a possibility . There’s nothing there to say 100% that it’s not. But at the same time , blood tests would have picked up on it . Yet , if they weren’t looking for it , then would they have found it ? 
It’s a vicious circle , a constant yoyo and I’m feeling like I can’t win right now . 
As much as I hate losing , I think anxiety has won for today . 
But it’s ok , I will win tomorrow 😉 
I know I am stronger than my illness , I have survived 26 years and counting …. I can do it for another 26 years !
I just need to keep pushing forward 🙂 

I do have a few more blogs that I have been working on over the last few weeks . 
I shall try and post them over the next few days . 

I hope this little update is ok . I know it’s mainly a diary of my week so far and not a lot about my battle , but I am getting there with the other blogs 🙂 
I’ve just been so busy and exhausted with everything lately , that I haven’t had the chance to finish anything . But this was the easiest to write tonight , because it’s the most recent and fresh 🙂 

I hope you enjoyed it .

Remember, stay strong!


Anxiety, Beauty, Depression, Eczema, Invisible illness, Lush Cosmetics, Mental Illness

Lush hair review

As you know I have been using “Rehab” & “American Dream” by Lush to try and get my hair in better shape .

So far , so good !!

I have really frizzy and curly hair , and as I have a short fringe I have to straighten my hair daily and the fringe is a pain !!
Since using this shampoo and conditioner though , my fringe is staying in tact from the minute I finish drying my hair . I also have A LOT LESS frizz and my curls are looking better …. To the point that I don’t have to straighten my hair every day . Which is obviously helping with my hairs condition too 😀 

I feel so much more confident . 
My hair smells amazing all the time and it’s shiny and so much nicer than ever before . I love wearing my hair down now and feeling good about it . 

I have gotten into the bad habit of smelling my hair though LOL 
It smells SOOO good !! 

Highly recommend this product to anyone . 

Links are below if you are interested 🙂 

Really worth EVERY PENNY !!



Anxiety, Depression, Eczema, Invisible illness, Lush Cosmetics, Mental Illness

Update on ‘Dream Cream’ for my Eczema

So it’s been about a week since I started using “Dream Cream” by Lush .

It has worked wonders 😀 So happy with it 
Not only does it smell good & feel good . But it works !!

My hands were sore for about a year or so . Couldn’t do anything with them and the Doctors refused to give me more steroid cream (I haven’t used it for nearly 4 years now) . So I have been hunting out the next best thing . 
A friend recommended me this cream for dry skin and said it worked wonders on her eczema . 
So I gave it a go . 

It really is the best choice I have ever made !
It doesn’t even sting when you apply it . That was one thing I found most creams did and they would then make it worse . But Dream Cream is fantastic !!

I am now doing an experiment with my legs . 
I have horrible dry patches of eczema all over my legs and they look awful . I have to keep them covered . 
I will post an update on that later on 🙂 

But I think I will keep this short and sweet and end it here just by saying it is amazing and well worth a try .

These are the results (The first photo was taken a few months ago) 

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Anxiety, Depression, Eczema, Invisible illness, Lush Cosmetics, Mental Illness

Lush !

In my experience, I find that along with Anxiety comes Eczema .
I don’t know if anyone else experiences this but I definitely do .

Every time I get anxious or stressed I find my eczema flares up rapidly . I have it on my hands , legs , arms and scalp .

It’s not one of my most attractive features that’s for sure !
Granted I can hide my legs and arms , which is ok for the cooler days . But my hands and scalp are a little trickier .

My Doctor won’t give me the steroid cream anymore . I had it once , 3 years ago . But for some reason they won’t prescribe it to me anymore . It is the only thing that helps . I scratch until I bleed and especially in my sleep …. I wake up and my bed has blood all over it …. It’s not nice at all !

So I have decided to look online for things that may help . However , they cannot contain perfume as I am allergic to most and my face will swell and I’ll look like I have the flu . Not just that , perfume isn’t good with eczema . 

So, I took a huge risk and ordered some hair products from ‘Lush’ .

The smell in the shops made me think that everything had perfume in . However , after some research , I found that the products are all natural and Vegan . They are also hand made !

I thought “why not” ! I will do anything to stop myself from scratching and making my hair look like I have been hit with a snow machine .

This has turned out to be the BEST decision I have ever made !

I have used these products ONCE and my hair is amazing ! I am scratching A LOT less and my hair is 99.9% black 🙂
You don’t see any nasties at all 😀
I am super impressed ! And yes , I highly recommend people to try it !
I’m not saying it is a cure for everyone and I’m not saying it will work for me forever . But right now , it is !

‘Lush’ are reasonably priced . Their products are all natural . They have a huge range .

Check them out ! 

I have ordered more products too .
I will write a review on them as well to let you know how I get on .

I am really looking forward to getting my hands on their masks. “Cupcake” & “Catastrophe” . Sadly, they are sold out at the moment .
I have heard they are amazing !

I suffer with redness under my cheeks , which is linked to my asthma , but have been told these masks help stop the redness 🙂 So I am dying to get hold of them !

The links below are the hair products I am currently using .

Seriously , give them a try ! They smell so good I want to eat them . Especially the strawberries and Vanilla :O And the shampoo is great because my hair needs some TLC .