M-I-A

Apologies , these last few months I’ve been MIA .

A lot has happened . 

Starting off I’ve developed a food allergy again . I’m now extremely allergic to milk . Which is a bit of a pain as most foods contain milk . 

I’ve been veggie since I was 13 , so I’ve now had to go vegan . Not that I have anything against the vegan diet , it’s just difficult when you don’t know much about it and have no choice but to take it up . 

I was however a fake vegan , as I wasn’t fussy if food had egg in it . Until the last few weeks where I now also have an allergy to egg ! 

There is a plus side of this diet . As I mentioned in previous blogs , I was on all natural medications . I didn’t take the steroids my gastro gave me and researched natural alternatives instead . I was on cumin and CBD oil . 

I saw my gastro a few weeks ago and he can’t believe it . I’m in remission !! Although he was concerned about the “flare ups” . Until I mentioned my milk allergy . 

My gp has been refusing to send me for allergy tests and just said to eliminate the foods . However , as it’s so severe it can become life threatening , so my gastro has now demanded an allergy test be done . I’m still waiting for that . 

I’ve also lost 1 stone 4lbs in 3 months , without even trying to . This hasn’t happened in 8 years !! 

On top of it all , earlier this month I lost my Uncle . My Aunty found him dead in bed . He was fit and healthy as far as we all knew . Turns out all the arteries to the heart were clogged and he basically walked upstairs after having breakfast , sat down on the bed and died instantly . 

It’s been hell in all honesty . 

We are all taking it in turns to stay with my Aunty as she’s not well herself . 

We are also all still , very much in shock . 

My father more so as he was the first one there to do CPR . My Uncle was his best friend . He worked for about 20 mins before the first responders came , then took it in turns with them to keep going . He even still kept trying once the paramedics got there . So you can imagine what he must be going through 😦 

I did go to see my Uncle in the chapel of rest . First time I’ve ever seen someone like that . But it was peaceful . He looked like he was going to wake up any second , do his usual snort like he did so often in his chair , and go “Uhh I wasn’t sleeping” . If only 🖤

There is something that made us all a little happier , if you can be happy at all in this situation . Before he passed , he had the grandchildren down from London for a week . It was a trial to see if they would stay with them for a while so they could have little holidays in Wales . The grandchildren adored my Aunty and Uncle . 

Then the weekend before he passed , he had my Nieces and Nephew over for a party for my Aunty , she had recently turned 60 but they couldn’t make her original party so they held one just for them . Myself and family went too . It was fab ! My Uncle made sure they were full on good food and then spoiled them rotten , as he always did with children , cake and Ice cream with the chocolate mint wafers . YUM ! And not forgetting the crisps and pop ! 

My Uncle was a sucker when it came to kids . They seemed to bring out the child in him 🙂 He did the same for me when I was a kid too . 

So basically , we figured out , he had his goodbyes . Everything had fallen into place . It’s something we can take some comfort in . 

His funeral was a lovely send off . The church was full . People had so much to say about him , all good . My Aunty wanted to celebrate his life and that’s exactly what we did . 

The song she chose to play him out in the church was from Dirty Dancing . The Time Of My Life . 

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Because my Uncle loved to dance ! 

I’ll never forget him grabbing me at my engagement party and making me dance . I can’t dance at all so he put me on his feet , like you do with a child , and made me dance with him for a while . I only got up to go to the bar , and I ended up dancing at my party . But that’s the kind of man he was . He was a loving , fun , gentle man . You could always rely on him and nothing was ever too big . He’s helped me out so many times over the years , I can’t thank him enough for everything he has done . 

I’ve had a few tears , but not enough . I feel like I really need to cry and scream and blame someone . But I can’t .  I think it’s shock . Even writing this , I’m crying a bit but no where near as much as I need to . I just cannot believe I won’t be seeing him in this life again . It’s heart breaking . 

It’s safe to say , this world has lost a fantastic man , and life will never be the same again . 

I truly hate September .  Last year I lost 2 close friends and now this year my Uncle . 

These last 7 years have been hell for my family , and I’m sick and tired of life always taking from us . 

Next year , I’m 30 . I’m not sitting back waiting for something else to happen , I’m grabbing 2018 by the balls and I’m living . Because one this I have learnt the hard way is , life is cruel and it’s selfish . It takes and takes and will drain you of everything if you let it . It’s taken enough from me now , it’s my turn to take something back . 

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A surprise attack

Whilst I sat in the comfort of my own home . With a glass of water and a plate with some food on . Unwinding from a long , busy day of sorting . Putting my feet up and watching Grim .

A loud, droaning noise came from outside.

I turned the volume down on the laptop and listened for a minute or two .
The noise I could hear appeared to be voices, male voices . Aged 17/18 . At a guess .

I then heard the front door being tried .
I knew Rob was coming back from band practice, so I thought maybe it was him . But who would be with him ?
His band mates weren’t that loud and no one else would be with him.
I couldn’t hear Rob’s voice either.

After a few more minutes (and checking the door was locked) I decided to carry on watching Grim .

No sooner had I hit the play button , there was an almighty **BANG**

Someone had hit the window. 
It frightened me . So much so , I had to call my father. 
After he checked to make sure the coast was clear , I went back into the living room and …. broke down .
My whole body began to tremble and I couldn’t stop it .
I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself ;

“What’s wrong with me ?”

I never react this way . I am very rarely ever frightened .
But something had made me turn into this panicky mess .
I couldn’t believe it .

Through someone’s stupidity and probably thinking it was a funny idea to play ‘knock knock run’ . I had become a blubbering mess .

I managed to calm myself down by swilling my face with cold water , having a drink and a cigarette .
Once I had done this , Rob was back .
I felt safe now and managed to control my panic .
I spoke to Rob about how I felt .
It really did help .

The panic attack really had caught me off guard .
It’s never happened before .

I managed to get an early night (for the first time in over a year) and that has really helped.
I feel a lot more positive today .
It sounds stupid , but apart from that panic attack , I had a really good day yesterday .
To let that little down point take that away from me , well , that would be idiotic .

I’m not starting 2016 the way I did 2015 .
I’m starting to look for the positives rather than letting them find me 🙂

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Busy Girl

So I have been extremely busy for the last month or so . Trying to sort a few things out 🙂 

When I can , I will share that info with you all 🙂

Health wise . I have been up and down . I have found a new way to cope with my back problems, although I don’t recommend that anyone with my issues tries it . I have been asking Rob to “pop my back”. By this I mean grab my upper body , arms included (so I’m standing straight and he’s grabbing me around my chest area) , and pick me up off the floor . My whole spine seems to pop and release the pain for a temporary time . It’s been helpful these past few weeks , but I’m not entirely sure that it’s safe . So please don’t try it !!

Panic attack wise , I have been on and off . I seem to be getting pains first this time though . My whole back , hips and legs go painful , to the point I have to take a couple of Zapain to just relieve it a bit . But it never completely goes away . I then tend to have small panic attacks for roughly 10 mins and then they go and just leave me feeling drained :/ 

It has been very strange , but I am ok . I’m here . I’m alive and I’m happy right now  🙂 Even if I am battling illness a bit more often right now . I’m trying to keep a positive and open mind 🙂

To start with I am looking into spiritual healing ! It’s an option I would like to try 🙂 On Friday I am going to a Spiritual church to look into it all and hopefully get a reading too 🙂 I will keep you all posted on that 😀 

Very busy , mentally challenging , physically exhausting .

So I have had one of the most busiest weekends this year .

I went to Porthcawl fair on Friday.
Folly Farm on Saturday.
And Band Practice with Grim Citizens, in Carmarthen on Sunday.

Porthcawl.

6pm I went to Porthcawl with Rob, my brother, sister in law, Katie & Brooklyn.
Emily had a sleep over at her friends so she didn’t come with us.
It was wet & windy but really fun!
Rob won me a teddy . I won one myself too.

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(Rob won the white one – I won the meerkat) 

Katie went on nearly every ride possible & Brooklyn just enjoyed the arcade.
We all had a laugh , had some candy floss & went for some chips afterwards.
We got soaked! But it was worth it.

I had a bit of a panic attack before going as I didn’t know what to expect. I had never been before so it was a new experience. But I enjoyed when we got there 🙂 

It helped having family around me 🙂 

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Folly Farm.

Myself & Rob organised to meet up for a catch up with friends when we were in Surrey.
As they have children we thought Folly Farm was the best bet. 
I had never seen Giraffes before either so it was a win win.

We met up with Richard & Charlotte & their 3 gorgeous boys. Logan, Corey & Zac. 
Started at around 10:30am, myself & Rob went for breakfast & a coffee as we waited for them. We then wondered around the gift shop. 
We met up with them at 12:30pm in the reptile house 😀 
It was amazing !! 
We spent the whole day walking around slowly and seeing everything . 
We had a lovely catch up & pigged out with a double ice-cream ….. Which was MASSIVE !! (So worth it !!)
I went for the mint choc chip – as usual 😛 

It didn’t rain much which was a bonus. I think we literally had 5 minutes of drizzle & that was it . 
The sun shone the rest of the time.

Afterwards, we all went into Narberth for some chips ( I know – Take away again !!) 
And went to a carpark to eat them so we could chat & have a laugh . 

It was a fantastic day & my panic attacks stayed at bay. 

I was exhausted by the time we got home (9pm) . I was so drained it was unbelievable !! 
I think my illness got to me in a different way this time . 
I slept for over 12 hours !!!! 
But it was such a nice day , it was worth it .

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Band Practice – Carmarthen.
Waking up was a struggle. I was fighting everything . I could easily have slept some more – Even though I had 12 hours sleep.
I was in agony with my back & legs & I had a migraine . 😦 It wasn’t a good start to the day.
My body was fighting me on everything . 
I went downstairs & had to make lasagne , it was the easiest thing to make in the house. I was shaking & feeling dizzy . It was horrible . 
The 2 days of adventure had hit me like a ton of bricks . 
I made sure I drunk plenty of water & I ate all of my food . (It was 1pm) 
I then had to help Rob hang his clothes out . My body hated it. I was weak & felt ill.
Eventually we made it to the car & headed off for Rob’s band practice. 
When we arrived I felt a lot better . I munched on some chocolate on the way so I had some sugar in me. 

Band practice went really well & I managed to get some nice shots of them playing 🙂 
It was a nice relaxing day for me , which I needed !! 
We went for food in Weatherspoon’s afterwards & ended up having free drinks because food was delayed . So I had a lovely caramel frappé lol (I had 2 in total) .

After food we headed home . it was 10pm by the time we got back . I was dropping again & couldn’t wait to get into bed !! 

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All in all , it was a fantastic weekend . Despite my illness pushing me back a little bit , I managed to push through it. 
I am paying for it now with all the aches & pains & tiredness , but it was so nice to actually get out. 
I miss getting out & doing things .
It made me feel “normal” . Which I have mentioned before , is a big thing for me. 

Last week , I was catching up with one of my favourite artists on YouTube. I got a little jealous as he was going out & about on his own & grabbing a coffee. The little things that I want to do basically , & it made me feel a little low . Knowing I can’t do that because of my constant battles with my illness . But this weekend made me realise that I don’t need to do that 🙂 I have very supportive friends & family who will do it with me & help me through my though times 🙂 
So even though it may be the norm for some to go & do it alone , it isn’t my norm . 
Yes , I rely on people a lot , but those people are amazing & they are great to be around .
I am very lucky.

A yoyo of emotions

Friday 28th August , myself and Rob travelled from South Wales to Surrey. 
What was meant to be a 3 and a half hour journey, turned into 7 hours.
The traffic was horrendous and there were accidents everywhere.

The Sat Nav took us through a route that wasn’t on our printed map and we both ended up panicking . It was awful ! 
But we eventually got there and checked into our hotel room.
I was so relieved to arrive ! 
We unpacked and went for food in Toby Carvery. 
The food was really nice and we ended up having a good few drinks too. It was so nice to relax.

We travelled up for a wedding. So we were nervous but excited too.
Our friends were getting married and we only knew them and one other. 

After getting an early night, we woke up at 8am. Showered and I dolled up. It took me 2 hours to curl my hair …. I don’t envy women who do this daily !
I was super bloated as my Ulcerative Colitis was playing up.
My face puffed up and my stomach made me look about 7 months pregnant .
The dress was a little snug so I was gutted and feeling like a beach ball.

Luckily, Rob had booked the taxi the night before , so we were ready in time and the taxi was right outside .
I’m so glad we decided a taxi would be best as we would never have found the place. 
There are 2 Mill Lane’s in Surrey apparently …. We found them both haha! 

The wedding was at Coltsford Mill, Mill Lane. VERY posh and so picturesque. 
It was like we were in a dream! 

When we arrived we saw the beautiful bride .
All had a hug and a laugh and then went to the bar area.
Sadly, there was no alcohol before the ceremony so we stuck to apple and orange juice.

2pm came and we headed to the ceremony room.
Once again , it was beautiful ! 

The ceremony was perfect . It was “them” . Every last detail was spot on. And the bride looked truly amazing !! 
After a few giggles through the ceremony when they said their vows and shed a tear or two of joy , we all headed out to the carpark for photos.
Sadly, the heavens opened up and it started to rain so we were delayed for a while. But this didn’t ruin anything , the photographer took control and she made the wedding photos look perfect . Even if the weather was against them , she didn’t let it win 🙂 

After some buck fizz and a chat we all headed to the front of the carpark where we all raised a few glasses and posed for photos . 
I honestly cannot wait to see them. 

After the photos it was food time.
Which once again was perfect .
There really isn’t any other way to describe it.
Everything was yummy. 

We were sat on a table with people we didn’t know.
I was very panicky and kept as close to Rob as possible.
I didn’t want to have a major panic attack in a room full of people so I tried to zone out.

However, two very lovely people introduced themselves to us, and we have become very good friends. 
I explained to them that I’m not very well and I said I may come across as awkward when I don’t meant to , but they were more than understanding .
We stayed with them all night, having a laugh . 

I was dreading meeting people because of my illnesses .
I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it , but they made me feel comfortable about it all .
They didn’t pry or judge.
They just accepted it. 

It was lovely, and a first!  

The speeches were great !
The best men trying to speak Welsh was just hilarious ! But it was a lovely touch . 

The after party went on until 11pm . 
There were free drinks flowing for a few hours thanks to the parents of the bride 😀 
I personally think they have got guts, opening a bar tab knowing there are Welsh in the room 😉 haha! 

It was perfect though , we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves . 

When we got back to the hotel around midnight , we ordered a take away as we were starving. 
Of course it had to be pizza with all the veggie toppings 😉 
And then we slept. Like babies ! 

Sadly , the next day wasn’t a good day.
I was very bloated and in a lot of pain. 

To take my mind off it, Rob decided to take me shopping .
It was a great idea and I was super excited . 

But Surrey didn’t have any good shops near to where we were staying . 
I ended up buying a biography in a charity shop for £1 and then headed back to the hotel.
Where we stayed in the room with me doped up on Zapain . 

Once again , being lazy we ordered a take away .
This time chips ! 

Rob had a fish the size of his arm and I had some beans with mine .
They were stunning !
Fatty , but stunning !

On a flare up I find only greasy foods work ok with my UC. I don’t know why , but everything else makes it all too painful . 

That night we decided we were going to travel home .
It was 10pm , we were bored and the M25 was clear at this time so we would get home in good time . 

Luckily we did , as a friend reported that the next day she had broken down on the M25 and that there were major delays . 
So we had a lucky escape ! 

Over all the weekend was amazing ! 
The shopping was disappointing but otherwise , we had fun , and made new friends 😀 

Now comes the down side . 
Travelling really takes it out of me, so as you can guess, I was exhausted .
I still am . 

I feel like I could sleep for days .
I’m also not used to eating out and my UC was already bad before leaving .
I took Pentasa , which I’m on and off at the moment as it causes more problems than good , but I thought if I took it , it would help prevent a bad flare up .

Oh boy was I wrong ! 

Along with chest pains , panic attacks and joint pain , my UC was so bad last night that I nearly ended up in hospital .
I was crying I was so scared . 

THANKFULLY , after 3 hours of drinking water and eventually getting my panic attacks under control . I managed to settle things down . 

It was terrifying and I never want that to happen again . 
I’m still having chest pains today , with a few panic attacks , but I’m controlling them for now . 
I am hoping to see a Doctor tomorrow about it all .
The chest pains are worrying me a little as it’s not just happening with panic attacks …. It’s a constant pain . 

As usual , with the anxiety , I am thinking the worst . 
Even though it is probably nothing , I keep thinking it could be cancer or a tumour …. Stupid I know ! But once again , anxiety just takes over and frightens me . 
It’s the case of , I know it isn’t , but it’s a possibility . There’s nothing there to say 100% that it’s not. But at the same time , blood tests would have picked up on it . Yet , if they weren’t looking for it , then would they have found it ? 
It’s a vicious circle , a constant yoyo and I’m feeling like I can’t win right now . 
As much as I hate losing , I think anxiety has won for today . 
But it’s ok , I will win tomorrow 😉 
I know I am stronger than my illness , I have survived 26 years and counting …. I can do it for another 26 years !
I just need to keep pushing forward 🙂 

I do have a few more blogs that I have been working on over the last few weeks . 
I shall try and post them over the next few days . 

I hope this little update is ok . I know it’s mainly a diary of my week so far and not a lot about my battle , but I am getting there with the other blogs 🙂 
I’ve just been so busy and exhausted with everything lately , that I haven’t had the chance to finish anything . But this was the easiest to write tonight , because it’s the most recent and fresh 🙂 

I hope you enjoyed it .

Remember, stay strong!

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“No body likes me”

Having those silly little thoughts again today .
Walking through a local shop . People saying Hello to me and smiling . But I can’t help by feel alone .
Just felt like everyone hates me and I wanted to get out of there so quickly .

I know it’s me and my anxiety being silly . But I can’t help it and in the moment you believe every single word in your head .

Just glad to be back home . No more shopping for me for a while 😕