Bullying is not ok .

So like millions of others I have seen and read Keaton Jones’ story online . It started off on Twitter and then I saw it all over social media . I felt bad for the kid . Having been bullied for many years in school myself and finding the video so relatable . I cried with the boy and really felt for him and his family .  

Sadly , it was all a ploy to raise money for his mother . 

Apparently, she is very racist and all she is interested in is money and not her son’s welfare . 

She used her son . That is not ok .

If anything to me she sounds like a bully . 

She used innocent people, including famous people . Those we look up to and respect, people children look up to ! E.g. Captain America and The Hulk ! Some of the kindest people I have followed online who genuinely wanted to help her son . Along with a massive list of other celebrities . She used them to raise money for herself . 

I thought I would add that last image in so people would understand a bit more of what a bully is .

They come in all shapes and sizes . And sadly age doesn’t matter . 

Now I’m going to get a bit personal because this all really got to me and for legit reasons . I’m not doing this to get attention , I am doing this to show the truth of what can happen when bullying happens in someone’s life . I know many have had it worse than me and are still having it worse than me . I respect that and in no way am I making out my life is the worst ever . I am just going to say about my experience and what it is still doing to me . And maybe , people will understand a bit better, how much bullying does impact someone’s life as a whole .
As a child, I was extremely quite. I wouldn’t say boo to a fly let alone anything else. Teachers would tell my parents how lovely I was and polite. How I would get involved in sing-a-longs and always help someone who didn’t know what to do in certain activities. I would go out of my way to help anyone. I wasn’t talkative like the rest though. I’d only speak when needed and always enjoyed playing one on one and not in a group. I was shy. 

This, I feel made me an easy target. Although it shouldn’t matter, it did. 

I enjoyed school until I was around 6 years old. I went everyday and the only thing I would moan about was getting up early to go in. But there was never any other problem. Until a few new boys started. They singled me out. And that’s where a heap load of trouble started. 

It started with name calling. Which mentally got to me. I started believing them, thinking I did something wrong. It became a slippery slope. The bullying started to get physical about a year later. Hair pulling at first, because I had a lot of curly hair. Then slapping, tripping me up and eventually punching. Teachers really tried but it never worked. No matter what they did it just made it worse. When I was around 8, I was taken to hospital with pains in my collarbone. It was oesteomalitis. Liquid arthritis in a rare place, my collarbone. I was in for weeks in pain. (This wasn’t caused by bullying, but I’ll get to that part now). It was agony. I had an operation but the liquid had moved to another part of my body. They found traces but nothing else in the bone, so they couldn’t remove it. I was warned it could come back anywhere in my body and I was to report all aches and pains just to be safe. After weeks in hospital I was told to take it easy and not to do sports or anything that would cause my collarbone to ache, as it was hollow and fragile. 

As usual, everyone found out. Including the bullies. This was yet another opportunity to single me out. And yes, as you can guess, they singled out that area and hurt me. 

Eventually, I healed. I caught a break for a few months from the bullies. Then the October that year , my Mamgu (Gran) passed away. We were extremely close . This completely broke me and to be honest, I’ve never gotten over it. I took a lot of time off school. I did try going back for a week but I couldn’t cope. Constant floods of tears when anyone mentioned anything I related with her. Especially flowers . (She was a gardener, she helped me control my anxiety through learning how to care for flowers) . 

It took me a long time to be able to face people. But I had to in the end, and once again, the bullies used that. They were so cruel. After that, I couldn’t cope. I refused to leave the house. We had child services calling out because they just thought I was a naughty child. 

As I stated, I was quiet, I didn’t even tell my parents half of what happened. They knew name calling was happening but nothing more. I hid my feelings well. 

This went on for years. I’d go to school some days just to shut people up. But most of the time I’d lock myself away. Claiming I was sick. I even went to the doctors on a weekly basis because my mother didn’t know what was wrong. 

Eventually, my GP clicked. She diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and said she thinks it all started around aged 6, when the bullying started. 

But of course, schools didn’t understand back then. So the preassure was still on. 

Now everyone feels sorry for the victim but no one thinks about the parents and the family around them. 

My family went through hell. There wasn’t any support for them. They were diagnosed with depression. The difference was, they were on medications that took the edge off. I was too young. Not that I like pills of any sort. But I needed help and so did my family. 

They were threatened with court. For me skipping so much school. They had me at home in fits of tears and anger because I just couldn’t talk about things. They had no one to turn to for help. They were just as lost as I was. 

Eventually, I went to secondary school .

My best friend went to a different one. I had to go where my brothers went. I hated it. The bullying got a lot worse and the school wasn’t interested. It got to a point that I was pushed down stairs and locked in lifts. It was more physical. I was getting mental abuse too. Being fat shamed and told I should kill myself because I was worthless. Needless to say, self harming started. I hated my life. I hated myself. What was the point in living when the world was cold and cruel ? 

My parents eventually found out. It’s kind of hard hiding self harm and constant hatred for yourself. Especially at 11 years old. 

They contacted the school. Had numerous meetings. Only to be told . And I quote. 

“It’s all in her head, she’s young and attentionseeking” .

My parents were told this by the headmaster of a secondary school . A fully grown adult . 

Eventually they got counsellors involved. I had 3 in the space of a year . All working with me . All said I had school phobia and anxiety and depression . But yet again, nothing was put in place by the school . 

Come the second year of secondary school I was spiralling. My parents decided to change schools. I was put with my best friend. I was happy and continued to be for about 6 months. But that soon changed when the bullies got involved. They found out about my past, saw me as an easy target . It went on for years with name calling . But I was ok . I was doing better as it wasn’t physical . I was still missing school but not as much . 

Until the fighting started . 

I was 14 . I got my first boyfriend, he went to the school opposite. I was happy and the bullies didn’t like it. They got jealous. At first they just started stirring but my boyfriend knew better and ignored it. Then they got physical with me and my best friend. I could take it myself but when I saw them hurt my best friend I lost it. I found out I had one hell of a temper and I was quite strong. I also found out that violence doesn’t solve anything. 

I got into more and more fights. I got detention. And the bullying never stopped. I started missing school a lot. My boyfriend left me. I spiralled again. 

It kept happening until GCSE’S.  Where I went from being a top student. Always getting A’s despite missing so much school. To failing my exams. I got 2 F’s and 2 U’s . 

I spiralled. Again. Although I loved the fact I never had to go to school again . I failed something I knew I was good at. All because of these bullies and the schools not helping me. I was let down. I let myself down. I let my family down. 

I took a year out to try and find myself . I worked in my local food store and I loved it at first. I kept myself to myself. Went in early and on time . Worked hard and came home. However, even at 16/17 bullies were around. One came out of the woodwork and again I spiralled. I left my job. 

I then decided to start collage . I was 18 that December . I did performing arts. I loved acting. It’s all I ever wanted to do. I don’t know if it was the right choice though. Some students enjoyed the drama and causing trouble. The teachers loved them and there wasn’t anything you could say against them. I became close to one tutor . He was amazing . He understood me. He became like a big brother. I worked hard thanks to him and he made me believe in myself again .  Life wasn’t perfect but it was getting better. 

I left performing arts after the first year. I finished with the highest grade. I just had enough. As much as I loved acting and it was the career I wanted to choose. I went onto do theatre lighting and sound technology . The tutor being the one I was close to . Life picked up . It was good . He showed me that I should believe in myself . I knew what I was doing . I was a good student. I worked hard. 

Again though, life came to a halt when I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. At first we didn’t know what it was. I was just extremely ill all the time. I couldn’t eat or drink . My lecturer did all he could and kept me on the course working from home on paper work . He checked in daily with me and offered my family support. 

Once I was diagnosed and started treatment I was back in college . It was great . I had to take it easy at first so I was on the desks and drawing up lighting plans . I helped with set design and costume . It was fantastic . 

I started dating . Wrong move .  It was a guy on the course. Of course , he wasn’t really interested and just wanted gossip . Which stupid me gave as I’m too open for my own good. He then broke up with me and started telling everyone my business . People started bullying again . I was an adult and they still wouldn’t stop . 

I started to go into myself. Eating on my own. Hiding in the hall where we worked, behind the blacks (curtains). My lecturer found out and decided he was going to eat lunch with me . He’d send me to get the lunch for us and coffee …. Always coffee haha . Then we’d sit and talk about work . He got me to hang out with one of my very close friends , she’s still here for me today . She looked after me through thick or thin . My lecturer helped me come out of my shell.  College became the best time of my life. I was learning to cope . I had friends around me all the time, and if they were off sick I had my lecturer. He encouraged me. I passed the course with the highest mark. I even learned extra because I finished early. I learnt how to pat test theatre lights πŸ™‚ 

I then took some time off as I was getting aches and pains in my spine. When I did performing arts I slipped in the dance studio and hurt my back . It turns out I have 3 broken discs but at this point , we didn’t know . 

So I went to work in many shops . I couldn’t seem to hold a job down. I developed a panic disorder. Employers don’t seem to understand what that means. So I’d have to leave so I could have breaks in between jobs . 

Eventually I went to university . Biggest mistake I made . I was around 25 . The oldest on my course . I did theatre lighting and design . The lighting tutor hated me because he hated my old tutor . The course as a whole I had already done in college . The group’s I had to work in weren’t pulling their weight and making me do all the work . Then when something went wrong they would blame me . 

I was told I was dyslexic and dyspraxic.  Which made sense . But that made me an easy target for those who would get angry and throw their toys out of the pram . 

I was on the course with a good friend of mine . He would give me a lift and work with me daily . But that didn’t change the way I felt .  I became very ill with aches and pains and no one knew why . People would call me lazy in uni when I couldn’t lift something .  My friend always helped and didn’t mind doing it for me but the comments from others really got to me . They used to make fun all the time . Sarcastic comments . All that childish crap . It really got me though and I started to spiral slowly .  In the end it got too much so I quit . I left and had to get a job . 

The job I was in was retail . It was money . Not my dream job , but money none the less . I worked 46 + hour weeks and I worked hard for 3 solid months. I even broke a bone on the side of my foot from a staff night out . I ploughed through the best I could . Until one day, I was serving an elderly couple, they were lovely . Nothing was wrong. But I remember collapsing and hitting my head on the concrete floor . I was knocked out for a few seconds and when I came around I was nauseous . So I went to the toilet where I was ill.  I was sent home . 

It turns out my body went into fight or flight . It chose flight and shut down . I was too much of a danger to myself to go back to work . 

I lived off my parents for a year until I was registered disabled . 

And trust me , it’s not easy . 

People seem to think it’s so easy to be disabled. I look ok so I must be fine . It’s hard . 

I’m now 29 . I have no job . I have a lot of debt . I’m exhausted daily and I’m always fighting myself . My dream went out the window years ago . I don’t have much . And all of this stems from being bullied .  It has destroyed my life . 

But despite that , I still smile . I’m still here fighting . I’m always here for anyone who needs me and I will continue to be . Because despite the crap I have been through and am still going through , I won’t let bullies win . 

I’m 29 and I still have to put up with bullying .  Just a matter of weeks ago 2 so called friends were name calling and spreading rumours about me . I cut them out . But I would be lying if I said it was easy . Because it’s not . It still gets to me . It still makes me feel like a bad person, although I know I haven’t done anything wrong . 
This is the after effect of bullying . This is what it starts . It doesn’t matter when it starts , as a kid , teen , adult . Bullying is not ok . It does destroy lives and it does hurt . 

It may seem funny to some . But it hurts others and it drains you of everything you have . 

This woman who used her son for money . Used his pain to get what she wants . She is a bully and this is going to have a knock on effect . In my eyes , it’s child abuse and something needs to be done . 

Bullying is no laughing matter . It needs to stop . People need to stand up and talk about it . They need to call the bullies out and something needs to be done . 

No one deserves to be bullied . No one !

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Ulcerative Colitis and Weight Gain .

I have to state I am not a Doctor of any kind , but this is a recent subject I have found myself researching after a recent experience with a Gastro . 

It wasn’t a pleasant one .

To cut a long story short , I was told that I was obese (like I didn’t know) . But to add insult to injury , I was also told I shouldn’t be obese as “Ulcerative Colitis makes you lose weight , not put it on” .

Now I’ve struggled with my weight for the last 8 years , since being diagnosed with UC . I’ve been on liquid diets , teatox , raw vegan diets , you name it , I’ve done it . Including the gym 5 days a week for 2-3 hours a day ! I can lose a stone , but nothing more .

I explained all of this to the Gastro . He laughed . Told me to get running . So I went through all of my health issues and what the Neuro has advised me to do . He didn’t know what to say . Except that I need to stop over eating . 

That part got to me big style ! I eat a max of 800 calories a day . I always have because I can’t stomach anything more .

Needless to say he didn’t believe me and told me I need to be on 500 calories a day to see any benefit . The cheek of it ! 

So I’ve gone into , let’s say a stubborn mood since . 

As I am seeing him again on the 13th I want proof of what I consume etc a day . So I’m keeping a log of my caffeine , water and food intake . Along with my steps , sleep pattern , heart rate , blood pressure and glucose levels . 

I have also done some research . It took me a while to find it via Google so I decided to take a better approach . 

Like many sufferers , I join groups and forums . So instead of reading I asked the question directly and went on to explain my experience .  

So many people came forward with their experience with weight gain and UC . 

The way my gastro had explained it to me , it made me think I was the only obese person with UC ! But I’m not . 

Over the years I have been on numerous medications . I have also been on steroids . All of which have made myself and countless others gain weight . 

As you know , gaining weight is easy , the hard part is losing it . People of all ages have answered my question and they are all struggling with the same thing . 

Whilst UC does make you lose weight , the medications make you gain and gain . I stopped mine over a year ago and went natural . I now refuse to put any toxins / chemicals in my body . Although I can’t lose the weight …. yet , I am hopeful that I will . It does take time for the body to reset itself and start getting it’s rhythm back , I’m just hoping that’s soon so I can prove this ass of a doctor wrong !


I thought I would share this experience with you as I found it difficult to come across what I needed . I hope this helps a little for anyone in the same dilemma as me . 

If you want more information or just need to chat to another UC sufferer , please feel free to leave comments below .

I had a plan.

At age 16 all I wanted to do was act . 

I adored theatre and being on stage . I had been acting for over 10 years and had lead roles in everything . 

All the way through school I was an A* student at acting and script writing .

So when I went to college , it was to no surprise that I chose Performing arts . However , whilst on the course , I realised I had a passion for another side of it . I fell in love with theatre lighting, sound and set design . 

I finished my course after a year with a distinction* (highest grade) and then decided to go back and join the theatre lighting and design course . 

I thrived . It became my way of life . 

Although I was battling with my UC . My lecturer worked around it . He was so understanding and sent work home for me on days I couldn’t make it in . Then when I went in I did the practical side . 

I passed the course again , after 2 years , with the highest grade possible . I got extra grades too because I finished the work early . So I also got a qualification in PAT testing the lights and health and safety . 

It was amazing . Exactly what I wanted to do . 

I took a little break from studying and went to work in retail until I figured out if I wanted to go on to university or straight into the theatre lighting world .

I decided university would be amazing as I could stretch out into other fields too . 

But that’s when my body started giving up on me .

I had an accident whilst doing performing arts which has lead to me having broken discs in my lower spine . I have hip and knee problems too . I had to quit Uni 3 weeks before finishing the year . I was absolutely gutted . But I couldn’t cope with the pain and no sleep . 

I thought it would be a temporary thing . That I could go back and redo the year . But my body is failing me . 

I feel lost . 

I had my whole life career planned out . I knew exactly what I wanted . I set things in motion to get it . But that one slip in the dance studio has destroyed my dreams . 

The pain is getting worse . There’s no sign of pain clinic , physio or hydro therapy . 

I’ve seen physio once in the surgery just to try and get the ball rolling but the positions they have given me just hurt . 

I’m not sleeping for more than 4 hours a night and it’s a broken sleep . 

I’m constantly worried about my future . 

Being 28 and needing a walking stick with a seat on just to go places , is not how I planned for my life to turn out . 

My only interest has ever been theatre . I don’t find any happiness in anything else . But the fast paced environment isn’t for me anymore .

I really am stuck . 

I can’t work 9-5 because I don’t sleep well , so I drop when I drop . 

I’m unreliable because of that . 

Everyday simple tasks are a challenge for me . And my memory is all kaput because of the lack of sleep and pain . I can’t be trusted to boil an egg without walking off from the stove . 

I really do wish life was different right now . If only I didn’t have that fall , I would be on the track to my dream job . But I guess life had a different idea for me . A different path ? 

I wish it was possible to see the future , because right now , I’m stuck battling with my pains and emotions and it’s not fun and games . 


I’m sorry for a depressing post . But I’ve always said I will post the pros and cons of my life . Today just so happens to be a bad one . But I know , it’s only a day πŸ™‚ 

The past 2 weeks .

A lot has happened the past 2 weeks . 

Back in December I was told I was in remission with my Ulcerative Colitis . Which was amazing news for me . Even though I was getting small fare ups , I could cope . 

After 8 years of suffering I thought I was finally getting somewhere . 

Until ….

Last week I saw a doctor at my surgery . He went through my notes . I went down about hip and knees pains . 

He told me I had nothing wrong with my spine . Even though neuro says I have broken and bulging discs . He said everyone does . He also said I have ibs but didn’t test for it . He gave me meds for that . Then asked if I take anti inflammatories . To which I said no because of my UC . He went on to say that I can now as I’m in remission . 

He then said he will give me pain killers for me knees and hips and see how we go . 

That was last Tuesday . 

Five days later I was in extreme pain . When I read up about the meds , I found they were NSAIDS (Non steroid anti inflammatory drugs) . 

I stopped them immediately and prayed the pain would go away . 

Come Monday I was rushed to A&E . In pain and bleeding , a lot . 

Turns out I was right . I am not allowed these meds and the doctor in no way should have prescribed them . Even when in remission . UC is a life long condition . It never goes away , just lies dormant for a while . 

Now I have been referred back to gastro . Awaiting further tests to see what damage it has caused . 

Speaking with a doctor in A&E she confirmed that it can progress into Crohns in circumstances like mine . The worst case scenario is also bowel cancer depending how bad everything is . It’s doubtful but can’t be ruled out until I see gastro . 

However , this means my anxiety is at an all time high again . Panic attacks are back due to stress . All because a doctor didn’t do his job right . 

I am fuming to say the least . 

I feel like it’s one step forward and twenty back . 

I have really been struggling with all of this . Mentally and physically . 

Thankfully I have my family to help me through it . Without them I wouldn’t be able to cope . 

They have all been my rocks πŸ’œπŸ’œ

Family is definitely everything in times like these . 

They have helped me keep going and also encouraged me to take up hobbies to take my mind off it all . 

Along with raising money for Many Tears Animal Rescue , I have also decided to try out making glitter glasses πŸ™‚ 

They’re a lot of fun on my good days πŸ™‚ Although , I have quite a few now haha .

They help me relax and are super easy to make too πŸ™‚ 

My aim this year is to save more money . So making gifts is the way forward . Something personal and made with love and something that keeps my mind active and not ticking over on the bad stuff . 

I highly recommend it to anyone who loves being creative . It’s a nice pass time . Along with spending time with loved ones πŸ™‚ 


Good riddance 2016

Thank God for that . 2016 is over . 

Not that I’m expecting 2017 to be my year or anything . But last year was filled with so much death . 

It started in June 2015 with my partners Gran and then my dog . And then 2016 hit and so many famous people started dropping . Over 80 celebrity deaths . Most being my idols , especially Carrie Fisher , that one really got to me at the end of the year . 

Not to mention my friends who passed away suddenly, both aged 28 .

I normally love Christmas and am like a massive child . But this year, it didn’t seem right . 

All my Dec’s went up . Time spent with family . Music , alcohol , cake etc . But I couldn’t help but feel this massive void . 2016 felt like it left me a shell . Emotionally, I had been so up and down that I think I was exhausted come the end . 

Don’t get me wrong , I appreciate all the amazing gifts and time spent with loved ones . I was truly spoiled again this year . I am just emotionally exhausted .

That’s one thing I can say though , I have slept through the holidays . Been going to bed super late and staying in bed to catch up on sleep too . 

I didn’t celebrate 2017 . I had tea in my pajamas and sat and watched TV with Rob all night . 

One thing I can say though . I am happy 2016 is over . I am ready to move forward from all of that rubbish . It didn’t make me stronger , it beat me black and blue . But it made me thankful for the time I have been on this earth and for the time I have left . Be it a day , year or seventy years . I am thankful . 

So with that said , thank you 2016 and goodbye . Please 2017 , do not be a copy cat ! 

The waiting game….

Had my colonoscopy on Monday . 

Ouch!!

I’m not going to lie , it was horrific . 

I had to have gas and air and pre med . I was still screaming in pain . It really really hurt . 

Naturally I am pale , but I came out of there looking like a ghost . I was white !! 

They couldn’t find a vein to put my canola in .  When they did it spurted everywhere .  Eventually my consultant got it in one go . 

I somehow convinced my consultant that I’m rich because we were all talking tattoos . He asked what I did for a living and I said nothing . To which he smiled and I didn’t correct him haha . It’s not a bad thing right ? It’s better than him thinking I’m a bum or something haha . 

I brought up about the laxatives though . They all agreed that something needs of be done about it . They have had loads of complaints !!

Back to the op . My Ulcerative Colitis wasn’t flared up which was good , but they found something they didn’t like so they’ve taken 10 biopsies and I should have the results in 1 to 2 weeks with a follow up app in 3 to 4 weeks .  I can phone to get the results before the app though , which is great . I hate waiting . 

The things they found could be anything though . From food intolerance to the major stuff I don’t want to think about . 

As I feel unwell daily it could be anything . Although , I do want tests done to see what I am allergic to as every time I eat my stomach hurts . It stretches and I have stretch marks because of it . So hopefully the results will confirm that and I can get referred for further tests and sort that out . Here’s hoping anyways . 
I hope I haven’t scared anyone with these blogs though . I have had 2 colonoscopies before this one and they didn’t hurt . They were uncomfortable but not painful . I don’t know what was different this time , but it was horrendous .  I highly recommend pain relief of all kinds haha . Although I did refuse the high end pain relief as I wanted to leave asap afterwards to see my friend who is in hospital .  I ended up missing the time slots though …. If I had known , I would have had all the pain relief going …. Not happy .  But I’m extremely glad I got it out of the way . 

Now all I have to do is get over the allergic reaction . lol . Yeah . My body has decided to be a jerk . We assume it’s a reaction to the meds . Although I am better tonight , I have been suffering with flu like symptoms . Shakes and feeling cold came first , then yesterday I was sneezing like crazy and my face was puffy , which only ever happens when I’m allergic to something . Today I’ve just felt like jelly . Wobbling all over the place . I’m also off food although I’m trying my best to eat . 

It really is worth it though πŸ™‚ At least in a few weeks I will know what is up with that area of my body and I can fix it . 

I will keep everyone updated .

Colonoscopy day .

They lied . Moviprep doesn’t last for 2 hours max . It used to …. But I have had just under an hours sleep and now I’m up to start drinking some more . I am dropping !!

I spoke to a friend who has been through it lately , she was up all night too with it . So it’s not just me . Be prepared if you’re going through it . 

It says after an hour of your stomach settling , you can take any prescribed meds . I took mine at 11pm thinking I would be fine . Turns out I wasted meds . 

I’ve had chest pains and a numb right leg and now basically no sleep before starting it all again . 

Colonoscopies really aren’t easy .  

People think it’s just a few laxatives and you’re away . I honestly wish it were that easy . I’m starving , exhausted and in a lot of pain . I can’t eat for at least another 8 hours (min) . I can’t sleep for another 10 to 12 hours . And my meds won’t start to work again , to take the edge off , for another 24 hours .  I’m shakey , anxious , feeling sick , and this is just the start of the day . 

I will get meds to calm me down once I am at the hospital , which do help a lot . But this really isn’t a walk in the park . It horrific .  Anyone who tells you different , really is lying . 

I am going to be telling my consultant today what I have been through and how I think it is unfair that people are up all night on moviprep .  Especially those with mental health conditions . No sleep makes everything a million times worse . 

I really can’t wait to get today over with .