Chronic illness and fatigue

If you suffer with chronic illness , you’ll know that owning an alarm clock is a waste of money . You’ll hear it going off , but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll wake up . 

You’ll also be very familiar with the snide remarks / “jokes” people make .

“I wish I had time to take a nap” .

“Everyone gets tired , you just have to push through it” .

Having chronic illnesses almost always means you don’t have a good , if any , sleep pattern . 

The usual 8 hours sleep everyone gets seems like heaven and you always hope that one day , you will get that glorious , golden 8 hours , of uninterrupted sleep for yourself . 

The thing is , no one truly understands it until they go through it themselves . I didn’t .  I’m 28 and 11 years ago I was your ‘normal’ , every day person who could get up and go . Party all night and work all day . Get a few hours sleep and I was raring to go again ! I never understood how people could be so slow or always sleeping or never go out . I loved life and nothing could hold me back . 

Then , I had my accident and life spiralled . I then started to understand why people couldn’t do things .

Normal everyday life is a chore . 

For me , I suffer with broken discs in my lower spine , hip and knee problems . (Along with so much more) . So from the minute I get up , I’m struggling . 

Getting dressed used to take minutes , now it’s 30 minutes or more . 

Bending , hurts . 

Getting up , hurts . 

Sitting down , hurts . 

I feel like I’m stuck in a 90 year olds body . 

The struggle is real – as they say . 

By the time I get downstairs I’m ready to go back to bed .

Making coffee is a chore but it’s so needed . Caffeine is about the only thing my body runs on these days . 

My normal routine …. I say routine , it’s more than likely that I …. Get up around 11am . Dressed and downstairs by 12pm . I have coffee by 12:15pm and then I sit down . I’ll try and get stuff done but every 15 minutes I need to sit . 

Come 5:30pm I . Am . Dropping . I normally go for a nap for a minimum of an hour and a half . It takes me between 30 and 45 minutes to settle and drop off . Then I’ll be waking up every 20 – 30 minutes . It takes around 10 minutes for me to drop back off to sleep . So I never get a full rest . This is why I can’t ‘power nap’ .

Then after my nap I’m normally awake until 4/5 am . I’ll sleep until 8am , waking every 20 – 30 minutes . Then I’ll be awake for an hour (8-9am) Then I usually nod off again until 11am . Always waking every 20-30 minutes . This is if I’m lucky to get sleep . Some nights , I’m awake all night . It all depends on the pain and if I can lie down etc . 

And I know I’m not the only one who suffers like this . My father is exactly the same as me . So I know I’m not alone when I say , it really is tough . 

So to have the usual sly remarks made , it’s no surprise when people get short with you .  

When you are basically called lazy . Oh how I wish it was true . Physical and mental exhaustion is no joke . 

Or when you’re told it’s just a bad day . Or you’ll get over it …. Please , show us how ? Teach us how chronic pain can be cured with a flick of a switch . 

And when people make fun of you . Now this is where people can get really petty . When they see you struggling and just think it’s hilarious and that you’re doing it for attention . I would absolutely love to watch you walk in our shoes for just one day . 

So please , be kind people . It takes zero effort to just be nice to someone . To try and understand it . I mean , you wouldn’t like someone to make a joke about your bad day would you ? So why would you do it to others ? 

Think before you judge . 

Chronic illness is tough . I have tried a lot of medication to help me , none of which have . It can take years to find the right thing , so far for me it’s taken 10 years , and I’m still trying . 

I’m now looking into natural pain relief and foods that help . 

I had a plan.

At age 16 all I wanted to do was act . 

I adored theatre and being on stage . I had been acting for over 10 years and had lead roles in everything . 

All the way through school I was an A* student at acting and script writing .

So when I went to college , it was to no surprise that I chose Performing arts . However , whilst on the course , I realised I had a passion for another side of it . I fell in love with theatre lighting, sound and set design . 

I finished my course after a year with a distinction* (highest grade) and then decided to go back and join the theatre lighting and design course . 

I thrived . It became my way of life . 

Although I was battling with my UC . My lecturer worked around it . He was so understanding and sent work home for me on days I couldn’t make it in . Then when I went in I did the practical side . 

I passed the course again , after 2 years , with the highest grade possible . I got extra grades too because I finished the work early . So I also got a qualification in PAT testing the lights and health and safety . 

It was amazing . Exactly what I wanted to do . 

I took a little break from studying and went to work in retail until I figured out if I wanted to go on to university or straight into the theatre lighting world .

I decided university would be amazing as I could stretch out into other fields too . 

But that’s when my body started giving up on me .

I had an accident whilst doing performing arts which has lead to me having broken discs in my lower spine . I have hip and knee problems too . I had to quit Uni 3 weeks before finishing the year . I was absolutely gutted . But I couldn’t cope with the pain and no sleep . 

I thought it would be a temporary thing . That I could go back and redo the year . But my body is failing me . 

I feel lost . 

I had my whole life career planned out . I knew exactly what I wanted . I set things in motion to get it . But that one slip in the dance studio has destroyed my dreams . 

The pain is getting worse . There’s no sign of pain clinic , physio or hydro therapy . 

I’ve seen physio once in the surgery just to try and get the ball rolling but the positions they have given me just hurt . 

I’m not sleeping for more than 4 hours a night and it’s a broken sleep . 

I’m constantly worried about my future . 

Being 28 and needing a walking stick with a seat on just to go places , is not how I planned for my life to turn out . 

My only interest has ever been theatre . I don’t find any happiness in anything else . But the fast paced environment isn’t for me anymore .

I really am stuck . 

I can’t work 9-5 because I don’t sleep well , so I drop when I drop . 

I’m unreliable because of that . 

Everyday simple tasks are a challenge for me . And my memory is all kaput because of the lack of sleep and pain . I can’t be trusted to boil an egg without walking off from the stove . 

I really do wish life was different right now . If only I didn’t have that fall , I would be on the track to my dream job . But I guess life had a different idea for me . A different path ? 

I wish it was possible to see the future , because right now , I’m stuck battling with my pains and emotions and it’s not fun and games . 


I’m sorry for a depressing post . But I’ve always said I will post the pros and cons of my life . Today just so happens to be a bad one . But I know , it’s only a day ๐Ÿ™‚ 

The past 2 weeks .

A lot has happened the past 2 weeks . 

Back in December I was told I was in remission with my Ulcerative Colitis . Which was amazing news for me . Even though I was getting small fare ups , I could cope . 

After 8 years of suffering I thought I was finally getting somewhere . 

Until ….

Last week I saw a doctor at my surgery . He went through my notes . I went down about hip and knees pains . 

He told me I had nothing wrong with my spine . Even though neuro says I have broken and bulging discs . He said everyone does . He also said I have ibs but didn’t test for it . He gave me meds for that . Then asked if I take anti inflammatories . To which I said no because of my UC . He went on to say that I can now as I’m in remission . 

He then said he will give me pain killers for me knees and hips and see how we go . 

That was last Tuesday . 

Five days later I was in extreme pain . When I read up about the meds , I found they were NSAIDS (Non steroid anti inflammatory drugs) . 

I stopped them immediately and prayed the pain would go away . 

Come Monday I was rushed to A&E . In pain and bleeding , a lot . 

Turns out I was right . I am not allowed these meds and the doctor in no way should have prescribed them . Even when in remission . UC is a life long condition . It never goes away , just lies dormant for a while . 

Now I have been referred back to gastro . Awaiting further tests to see what damage it has caused . 

Speaking with a doctor in A&E she confirmed that it can progress into Crohns in circumstances like mine . The worst case scenario is also bowel cancer depending how bad everything is . It’s doubtful but can’t be ruled out until I see gastro . 

However , this means my anxiety is at an all time high again . Panic attacks are back due to stress . All because a doctor didn’t do his job right . 

I am fuming to say the least . 

I feel like it’s one step forward and twenty back . 

I have really been struggling with all of this . Mentally and physically . 

Thankfully I have my family to help me through it . Without them I wouldn’t be able to cope . 

They have all been my rocks ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ

Family is definitely everything in times like these . 

They have helped me keep going and also encouraged me to take up hobbies to take my mind off it all . 

Along with raising money for Many Tears Animal Rescue , I have also decided to try out making glitter glasses ๐Ÿ™‚ 

They’re a lot of fun on my good days ๐Ÿ™‚ Although , I have quite a few now haha .

They help me relax and are super easy to make too ๐Ÿ™‚ 

My aim this year is to save more money . So making gifts is the way forward . Something personal and made with love and something that keeps my mind active and not ticking over on the bad stuff . 

I highly recommend it to anyone who loves being creative . It’s a nice pass time . Along with spending time with loved ones ๐Ÿ™‚ 


Fresh air .

The last few days I’ve been feeling really unwell . My sleep pattern is off , my heads been painful , I’ve even been feeling sick . Along with my normal aches and pains . So today I thought “stuff it” . 

I dropped everything , grabbed the boys and went out for a walk with my Dad . 

We are both disabled so there are constant stops etc but we needed to get out . 

Best decision ever ! 

We went on a walk called ‘The Cratch’ . It’s a lovely, quiet walk , out of the way , by the river in Kidwelly . There aren’t vary many people down there and the views are stunning ! 


I never get out because of my health , but I’m glad I did today . 

It was chilly but we wrapped up . Including the furkids . 

It’s not a long walk but it took us around an hour and a half . 

My head cleared instantly ! All of my symptoms eased and my mood lifted . It was a beautiful day . 

We met a lovely lady who’s recently moved to Llanelli from Manchester . She gave the furkids some treats and they played with her furkid . It was so nice getting to know them and chatting about our love of animals . 

We truly live in a beautiful place . It may be a small town , but Kidwelly has some lovely walks . 

I think my next purchase is going to be a walking stick which has a seat . I really need to go on more walks and I know I can’t walk very far unaided , so I think it will be a practical purchase . It also gives me something to look forward to . 

I may look into some other nice walks within driving distance , and take the furkids with me to explore them .

If you have the “New Years Blues” like me , I really recommend going on a walk somewhere . The fresh air has really helped me a lot . And for once , I am in bed before 6am . 

Good riddance 2016

Thank God for that . 2016 is over . 

Not that I’m expecting 2017 to be my year or anything . But last year was filled with so much death . 

It started in June 2015 with my partners Gran and then my dog . And then 2016 hit and so many famous people started dropping . Over 80 celebrity deaths . Most being my idols , especially Carrie Fisher , that one really got to me at the end of the year . 

Not to mention my friends who passed away suddenly, both aged 28 .

I normally love Christmas and am like a massive child . But this year, it didn’t seem right . 

All my Dec’s went up . Time spent with family . Music , alcohol , cake etc . But I couldn’t help but feel this massive void . 2016 felt like it left me a shell . Emotionally, I had been so up and down that I think I was exhausted come the end . 

Don’t get me wrong , I appreciate all the amazing gifts and time spent with loved ones . I was truly spoiled again this year . I am just emotionally exhausted .

That’s one thing I can say though , I have slept through the holidays . Been going to bed super late and staying in bed to catch up on sleep too . 

I didn’t celebrate 2017 . I had tea in my pajamas and sat and watched TV with Rob all night . 

One thing I can say though . I am happy 2016 is over . I am ready to move forward from all of that rubbish . It didn’t make me stronger , it beat me black and blue . But it made me thankful for the time I have been on this earth and for the time I have left . Be it a day , year or seventy years . I am thankful . 

So with that said , thank you 2016 and goodbye . Please 2017 , do not be a copy cat ! 

Colonoscopy day .

They lied . Moviprep doesn’t last for 2 hours max . It used to …. But I have had just under an hours sleep and now I’m up to start drinking some more . I am dropping !!

I spoke to a friend who has been through it lately , she was up all night too with it . So it’s not just me . Be prepared if you’re going through it . 

It says after an hour of your stomach settling , you can take any prescribed meds . I took mine at 11pm thinking I would be fine . Turns out I wasted meds . 

I’ve had chest pains and a numb right leg and now basically no sleep before starting it all again . 

Colonoscopies really aren’t easy .  

People think it’s just a few laxatives and you’re away . I honestly wish it were that easy . I’m starving , exhausted and in a lot of pain . I can’t eat for at least another 8 hours (min) . I can’t sleep for another 10 to 12 hours . And my meds won’t start to work again , to take the edge off , for another 24 hours .  I’m shakey , anxious , feeling sick , and this is just the start of the day . 

I will get meds to calm me down once I am at the hospital , which do help a lot . But this really isn’t a walk in the park . It horrific .  Anyone who tells you different , really is lying . 

I am going to be telling my consultant today what I have been through and how I think it is unfair that people are up all night on moviprep .  Especially those with mental health conditions . No sleep makes everything a million times worse . 

I really can’t wait to get today over with .

It’s been a while .

I apologise once again for taking such a long break from blogging . 

I’ve been through one heck of an emotional rollercoaster . 

Not only has my health decided to decline (again) but I have lost 2 amazing friends . 

It’s amazing how quickly life flickers before our eyes . One minute someone is there and the next , they’re gone .  Both my friends , Darren and Ian , I had been speaking to the night before they left us . 

Darren passed barely a week before Ian . Both came as a massive shock . 

I was speaking with Darren two nights before . He had seen a man get stabbed and we were talking about getting some flowers to him in the hospital and sending love to the man’s family . Darren was really worried about him . 

Then , just the night after , he said he couldn’t sleep so I sent him some love . 

Myself and Darren met through school . He went to the school just next door to mine . We have a lot of friends in common . 

We remaind big friends through college . Always hanging out ! He was friends with a guy I dated and we were the inseparable trio . 

After college , life got harder for us all . 

My , now ex , is married and has a child , my health declined and limited me from going places and Darren , he was in an even worse boat . 

Darren was born with health issues and needed transplants . He was on the list and friends were even getting tested to see if they could help him . 

The night before I heard about his passing , we were planning to go for coffee and have a catch up . But that day never came . 

Hours after speaking with him , he passed away . Surrounded by family and loved ones . 

Devastated isn’t the word . 

Darren was one of my dearest friends . He’s always had a fond place in my heart , always will . 

Whilst dealing with this awful news . Merely days later , more awful news came . This was a huge shock .  

My friend , Ian , passed away . 

Myself and Ian became friendly through college . We partied every Thursday night and had the wildest and best nights out . He was always kind , loving and caring . My BFG .

BFG was very fitting . Ian was 6 foot something . Insanely tall . Skinny and gave THE best hugs . When I told him he made me feel tiny , he started to pick me up .  I remember him asking me if I was scared being so high up during a cuddle . I just smiled and squished him back . Ian never failed to make me happy . 

Ian was the kind of guy who would always make time for you .  He’d listen and help you out the best that he could . Come the end of the conversation you’d be walking away smiling from ear to ear . 

The night before he passed I congratulated him as he had just started Uni . 2016 really did seem like the year for him . He had just gotten engaged to a lovely lady , he moved to Cardiff and started Uni . His life truly was on the up . 

The news came as such a shock as he had no known health issues . 

He passed away from a heart attack . The cause is unknown . He was with his fiancรฉ walking the campus and next minute , he was gone . That’s what I’ve been told anyway . 

Honestly , we all can’t get our heads around it . 


I attended 2 funerals in one week . Both of close friends . Both my age . Heartbreaking isn’t the word . 

I miss them both dearly .