Breathing, Carmarthenshire, CBT, Coming together, Depression, Excited, Exciting, Family, Friends, Future, Health, Heartbreak, Illness, Invisible illness, Kidwelly, Llanelli, Love, Medication, Mental Illness, Panic attacks, Panic Disorder, RIP, S.A.D, Sad, South Wales, South West Wales, UK, Unfair, Wales

I had a plan.

At age 16 all I wanted to do was act . 

I adored theatre and being on stage . I had been acting for over 10 years and had lead roles in everything . 

All the way through school I was an A* student at acting and script writing .

So when I went to college , it was to no surprise that I chose Performing arts . However , whilst on the course , I realised I had a passion for another side of it . I fell in love with theatre lighting, sound and set design . 

I finished my course after a year with a distinction* (highest grade) and then decided to go back and join the theatre lighting and design course . 

I thrived . It became my way of life . 

Although I was battling with my UC . My lecturer worked around it . He was so understanding and sent work home for me on days I couldn’t make it in . Then when I went in I did the practical side . 

I passed the course again , after 2 years , with the highest grade possible . I got extra grades too because I finished the work early . So I also got a qualification in PAT testing the lights and health and safety . 

It was amazing . Exactly what I wanted to do . 

I took a little break from studying and went to work in retail until I figured out if I wanted to go on to university or straight into the theatre lighting world .

I decided university would be amazing as I could stretch out into other fields too . 

But that’s when my body started giving up on me .

I had an accident whilst doing performing arts which has lead to me having broken discs in my lower spine . I have hip and knee problems too . I had to quit Uni 3 weeks before finishing the year . I was absolutely gutted . But I couldn’t cope with the pain and no sleep . 

I thought it would be a temporary thing . That I could go back and redo the year . But my body is failing me . 

I feel lost . 

I had my whole life career planned out . I knew exactly what I wanted . I set things in motion to get it . But that one slip in the dance studio has destroyed my dreams . 

The pain is getting worse . There’s no sign of pain clinic , physio or hydro therapy . 

I’ve seen physio once in the surgery just to try and get the ball rolling but the positions they have given me just hurt . 

I’m not sleeping for more than 4 hours a night and it’s a broken sleep . 

I’m constantly worried about my future . 

Being 28 and needing a walking stick with a seat on just to go places , is not how I planned for my life to turn out . 

My only interest has ever been theatre . I don’t find any happiness in anything else . But the fast paced environment isn’t for me anymore .

I really am stuck . 

I can’t work 9-5 because I don’t sleep well , so I drop when I drop . 

I’m unreliable because of that . 

Everyday simple tasks are a challenge for me . And my memory is all kaput because of the lack of sleep and pain . I can’t be trusted to boil an egg without walking off from the stove . 

I really do wish life was different right now . If only I didn’t have that fall , I would be on the track to my dream job . But I guess life had a different idea for me . A different path ? 

I wish it was possible to see the future , because right now , I’m stuck battling with my pains and emotions and it’s not fun and games . 


I’m sorry for a depressing post . But I’ve always said I will post the pros and cons of my life . Today just so happens to be a bad one . But I know , it’s only a day 🙂 

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Anxiety, Breathing, Carmarthenshire, CBT, Coming together, Depression, Eczema, Excited, Exciting, Family, Food, Friends, Future, Health, Heartbreak, Illness, Invisible illness, Love, Mental Illness, Panic attacks, Panic Disorder, RIP, S.A.D, Sad, South Wales, South West Wales, UK, Unfair, Wales

Good riddance 2016

Thank God for that . 2016 is over . 

Not that I’m expecting 2017 to be my year or anything . But last year was filled with so much death . 

It started in June 2015 with my partners Gran and then my dog . And then 2016 hit and so many famous people started dropping . Over 80 celebrity deaths . Most being my idols , especially Carrie Fisher , that one really got to me at the end of the year . 

Not to mention my friends who passed away suddenly, both aged 28 .

I normally love Christmas and am like a massive child . But this year, it didn’t seem right . 

All my Dec’s went up . Time spent with family . Music , alcohol , cake etc . But I couldn’t help but feel this massive void . 2016 felt like it left me a shell . Emotionally, I had been so up and down that I think I was exhausted come the end . 

Don’t get me wrong , I appreciate all the amazing gifts and time spent with loved ones . I was truly spoiled again this year . I am just emotionally exhausted .

That’s one thing I can say though , I have slept through the holidays . Been going to bed super late and staying in bed to catch up on sleep too . 

I didn’t celebrate 2017 . I had tea in my pajamas and sat and watched TV with Rob all night . 

One thing I can say though . I am happy 2016 is over . I am ready to move forward from all of that rubbish . It didn’t make me stronger , it beat me black and blue . But it made me thankful for the time I have been on this earth and for the time I have left . Be it a day , year or seventy years . I am thankful . 

So with that said , thank you 2016 and goodbye . Please 2017 , do not be a copy cat ! 

Carmarthenshire, Coming together, Depression, Family, Friends, Illness, Invisible illness, Love, Mental Illness, RIP, Sad, South Wales, South West Wales, UK, Unfair, Wales

It’s been a while .

I apologise once again for taking such a long break from blogging . 

I’ve been through one heck of an emotional rollercoaster . 

Not only has my health decided to decline (again) but I have lost 2 amazing friends . 

It’s amazing how quickly life flickers before our eyes . One minute someone is there and the next , they’re gone .  Both my friends , Darren and Ian , I had been speaking to the night before they left us . 

Darren passed barely a week before Ian . Both came as a massive shock . 

I was speaking with Darren two nights before . He had seen a man get stabbed and we were talking about getting some flowers to him in the hospital and sending love to the man’s family . Darren was really worried about him . 

Then , just the night after , he said he couldn’t sleep so I sent him some love . 

Myself and Darren met through school . He went to the school just next door to mine . We have a lot of friends in common . 

We remaind big friends through college . Always hanging out ! He was friends with a guy I dated and we were the inseparable trio . 

After college , life got harder for us all . 

My , now ex , is married and has a child , my health declined and limited me from going places and Darren , he was in an even worse boat . 

Darren was born with health issues and needed transplants . He was on the list and friends were even getting tested to see if they could help him . 

The night before I heard about his passing , we were planning to go for coffee and have a catch up . But that day never came . 

Hours after speaking with him , he passed away . Surrounded by family and loved ones . 

Devastated isn’t the word . 

Darren was one of my dearest friends . He’s always had a fond place in my heart , always will . 

Whilst dealing with this awful news . Merely days later , more awful news came . This was a huge shock .  

My friend , Ian , passed away . 

Myself and Ian became friendly through college . We partied every Thursday night and had the wildest and best nights out . He was always kind , loving and caring . My BFG .

BFG was very fitting . Ian was 6 foot something . Insanely tall . Skinny and gave THE best hugs . When I told him he made me feel tiny , he started to pick me up .  I remember him asking me if I was scared being so high up during a cuddle . I just smiled and squished him back . Ian never failed to make me happy . 

Ian was the kind of guy who would always make time for you .  He’d listen and help you out the best that he could . Come the end of the conversation you’d be walking away smiling from ear to ear . 

The night before he passed I congratulated him as he had just started Uni . 2016 really did seem like the year for him . He had just gotten engaged to a lovely lady , he moved to Cardiff and started Uni . His life truly was on the up . 

The news came as such a shock as he had no known health issues . 

He passed away from a heart attack . The cause is unknown . He was with his fiancĂ© walking the campus and next minute , he was gone . That’s what I’ve been told anyway . 

Honestly , we all can’t get our heads around it . 


I attended 2 funerals in one week . Both of close friends . Both my age . Heartbreaking isn’t the word . 

I miss them both dearly .

Anxiety, Carmarthenshire, CBT, Coming together, Depression, Excited, Exciting, Family, Friends, Future, Health, Heartbreak, Illness, Invisible illness, Llanelli, Love, Mental Illness, Panic attacks, RIP, South Wales, South West Wales, Toxic Relationship, UK, Unfair, Wales

Cutting ties & moving forward.

Happy New Year everyone 🙂
I hope 2016 treats you well .

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I wanted to write this blog as it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while .
I went through a lot in 2015 . The ups and the major downs.  It was a long roller coaster ride of emotions .
But one thing that has taken a while to click with me, is the loss of friends .

We all go through life meeting new people. We all lose someone in some way shape or form , but I’m not on about the ‘normal’ loss of friends through losing contact or just life getting in the way.  I’m on about losing someone who you considered to be a friend .
The fake friend.
Someone who you put your life on hold for , to meet up with.
Someone who you threw your problems aside for and tried to help them when they were at breaking point .
(But who wouldn’t do this for you .)

And then when their life starts to pick back up, they kick you to the curb .

It feels awful .
The feeling of being used .
No one deserves that .
I don’t understand how people can put someone through it .

Oh my life is hell , they’ll understand

– When you become good enough for them. –

Now my life is back on track, I don’t need that ‘negative’ friend who has helped me through it all, I’ll just kick them to the curb and move on with my life” .

– The part where they become too good for you and you become the negative one . Because they are on the slight “up” that life has given them . –

I’ve been thinking about it a lot . As I do over think things, that’s the whole thing about anxiety .
As much as it magnifies every emotion , it can , every once in a while , make you see things clearly .

I gave my time .
I gave up hours of my days .
I would drop everything for this friend .
I would push my problems aside and I would listen to them go on and on about theirs .
They would cry,  get angry and really vent .
They needed someone and I was willing to be that someone .
To be the shoulder .
I truly believed that they wanted to be friends .
That they were a nice person .
When really , they just saw me for the soft person that I am .
For the person who will do anything to see others happy .

As soon as I had done my work . They got their life back on track , for now. They have a job again , and I feel like they now think they’re better than me. 

I had tried to make contact with this person . But there was always some excuse .
I asked them if everything was ok between us .

They lied .

I then saw them when out and about and they ignored me but acknowledged my friend .

Then in passing conversation between said friends , they dropped the news in about a job .

And it all clicked .

Whilst they think they’re being clever . They’re actually showing their true self .

I was good enough when no one else would listen to them , but the minute they get a part of their life back , boom . I’m not good enough .

They only got their idea of said job , from me . Which is what I find amusing .

I’m better than her now , because I have the job she said would be perfect for me and pointed me in the right direction

But instead of a thank you , I just get tossed aside .

The best part to it all ?

They don’t realise that with depression , it’ll always come back .

The paranoir , the sleepless nights , Panic attacks , feeling ill , feeling unwanted , unloved . Etc .
It isn’t a once in a life time thing that just goes over night . Depression is always there . It just hides until you let your guard down , and then it jumps right back on .

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2015 taught me a lot of hard lessons . The main one is having to let go .

So this blog , is me letting go .
It’s the final goodbye to a toxic relationship .
I may be unfit to work because of health issues , but that doesn’t give anyone the right to treat me like an underdog .
It doesn’t make you a better person because you can get up pain free every day . It doesn’t change who you are .
And nothing gives you the right to treat someone this way .

I know I’m not the only one who has gone through this .
So my advice to you is , cut them off .
Don’t let them get to you. 
They used you and yes it sucks .
They took your nice nature and used it to their advantage .
But that doesn’t make you a bad person , it makes them the bad person .
So instead of just dwelling on it , say your final goodbye , in what ever way you feel appropriate,  and cut all ties .

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I feel good after venting all of this 🙂
Now I can move on to the next chapter of my life .
I hope you can too 🙂

Animals, Anxiety, Carmarthenshire, CBT, Coming together, Depression, Dogs, Family, Friends, Health, Heartbreak, Illness, Invisible illness, Love, Medication, Mental Illness, Panic attacks, Pets, RIP, Sad, South Wales, South West Wales, UK, Wales

Nadolig / Christmas – A little downer

This year has been a horrible year for myself & family . There has been so much loss & not a lot of gain .
So to say I’ll be glad to see the end of 2015 is an understatement!

Christmas was quite a sad one for me . It’s the first Christmas without Ellie .
I found it extremely emotional & Christmas just wasn’t Christmas this year .
It’s usually my favourite day of the year ,but that was because of Ellie . I used to love spoiling her & seeing her tear open the gifts . She was so funny & cute . But this year , there was a massive void that couldn’t be filled .

So myself & my parents opened our gifts at 00:01 . Rob wouldn’t let me open mine from him until Christmas day . But I didn’t get up early , nor did it bother me that I had to wait .
I put a smile on & got on with it .

I was spoilt . I have everything I have wanted & am super thankful for it . Don’t get me wrong , I was amazed by how much I had . I’ve even managed to book my eyebrow tattoos for Feb 2016. Which I have wanted , & couldn’t afford for a while .

But the void really stuck out .
It was like a massive black hole in the centre of the room for me . Constantly reminding me how lonely I am now Ellie is at the rainbow bridge .
I don’t have my ‘baby sister’ to spoil . My best friend to tell all my secrets to (if Ellie could speak , I would have been in trouble !!)
I’m not good at talking to people , so I tend to hide my feelings & then just explode over stupid things .
But when Ellie was around , I had someone to talk to & help me take my mind off things . She kept me sane .

It’s been over 6 months & I do feel myself slipping …. Slowly , back into deeper depression .
I have asked for another dog but I’m either called silly or just told no .
It has really worn me down .

I have nothing to do except clean.
When Rob’s in work I’m on my own . He works 5 days a week & leaves for work at 7am & doesn’t get home until 5pm.
I don’t have any hobbies except collecting PokĂ©mon cards.
Most of my friends live too far away / have a family / work or are ill.
I’m very lonely on a daily basis, which really doesn’t help my depression at all .

I’ve been given some bad news over the Christmas period too .
I need an urgent back operation as I’ve broken a disc in my spine .
I’ve been in agony for 10 years .
The doctors lost my first mri & then passed it off as anxiety pains .

So , due to this my back has gotten worse .
I had to ask for another mri . The first one I couldn’t make due to illness but the 2nd app I could & did .

So now I have been refered to a neuro . Although , I had to contact rheumatology to forward my results to my gp , to be told this .
Otherwise , I would have had to wait until Feb 19th to find out from them .

So , with that worry on my mind as well  , I have no one to talk to .
I would talk to Ellie about everything & she would help . It sounds silly , I know.  But she helped me through my dark times more than anyone could .

Rob doesn’t understand why I don’t talk to him about my feelings .
It’s nothing personal , I just can’t open up to people .
I can’t speak to my parents either .
I’ve always had a dog , since I was 6 . I’m just used to relying on them . Everytime , it’s helped .

All I found over the years , with people , is that they judge me / bully or bitch about me .
I can usually brush it off , if its pointless lies etc , but if it’s something that I have told them in confidence , it breaks me . I can’t handle that . So that’s why I have such high walls when it comes to me actually speaking to someone .

I’m really sorry this blog is a bit of a downer.  I’m just struggling right now & it’s hard to see the light .
I know I will get there , I have before . I just think that occasions like Christmas , really play on the heart strings & make you realise that money really can’t buy you happiness .

I am thankful for all that I have . But I cannot wait to say goodbye to 2015 .
I’m not saying next year will be better . I honestly couldn’t care less .
But I will take it a day at a time . I’m going to focus on me . (For once) .
I’m getting my eyebrows done on Feb 1st . Then I will be booking to get more of my sleeve done , and I aim to sort my health out with my operation .

If I manage to do all 3 , I’ll be happy .

I would say I’ll get a dog too , but every time I bring it up I get shot down or shouted at . So , I won’t get my hopes up lol

Anyway , I hope my readers have had a far better Christmas than me & I hope the new year treats you well !!

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Animal Medication, Animals, Cats, Coming together, Dogs, Excited, Exciting, Family, Friends, Future, Health, Heartbreak, Llanelli, Love, Pets, RIP, Sad, Wales

A little positive from a big negative

Well I did it !! I managed to pull a lovely group of amazing people together & get them to donate dog & cat bits for Many Tears Animal Rescue in Llanelli 😀

I am overwhelmed by how much we have managed to pull together !! Honestly did not expect this 🙂
What was going to be a small hamper , has turned out to be something larger 😀

I am so happy !!

Considering this year started off rubbish , & it’s been getting worse & worse , I can see us ending it on a high with this donation to an amazing cause 🙂
Cannot wait to take this hamper in to them tomorrow .
We also managed to raise ÂŁ22
which may not seem like much , but it will help them with food / blankets / etc .

I cannot thank everyone enough !!!!

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Coming together, Family, Grandmother, Heartbreak, Leukemia, Love, RIP, Sad

Absent

You may have noticed , over the past 2-3 weeks I haven’t been as active as I would have liked to have been .
This is because of some very sad circumstances .

Since October 2014 , my FiancĂ©’s Gran has been battling Leukemia . It has been very tough on the whole family . But Gran did amazingly .
She came in to remission at the end of April . She started to pick up and was looking as beautiful as ever .
Gran got her smile back and was slowly getting her strength back too .
Then , out of no where Gran just wouldn’t wake up . Her body was shutting down and she was rushed into hospital . It all happened so fast !

Rob , my fiancĂ© , got a phone call on the Monday saying to go in and say his Goodbye’s because she didn’t have much time left 😩
But little did we know she was fighting it even though she was sleeping .
Gran managed to open her eyes twice in one week . She was strong to the end .

Rob was there one night when Gran opened her eyes and personally , I think it was nice , for her to see her loved ones all together one last time . It’s a lovely image to have .
Gran sadly passed away a few days later in hospital . It was peaceful and she wasn’t in any pain . But it is heartbreaking .
The funeral was a week ago yesterday and it was such a lovely send off .

Gran used to teach dance classes . She had 5 in total and over 50 people in each . Both herself and Gramps would dance the night away with all of their friends ! They were utterly amazing !

On birthdays they both would get around 200 cards EACH from friends and family .
So you can just about imagine how many people showed up to pay their respects . Not everyone could fit in the Crematorium .

But I have to say , Gran would have been proud of her family . The flowers were perfect , the music was perfect and well pretty much everything was perfect !
I could picture Gran dancing away in front of us when the music was playing  .
The end song was called “Fox Trot” and it was also the name of her favourite dance .

During the funeral , Rob stood up and gave such a wonderful speech . It made me both proud and emotional .
All the wonderful memories he has to keep . The funny silly memories as a child and the memories he made with her as an adult .
He was very emotional as you can imagine , but he stood up there so proud to be called her Grandson . So proud to have known such a wonderful woman .
Rob has also written a song , which he read out as a poem .
(We will be putting these online for download but also selling them at future gigs , to raise money for Leukemia Research .)

Everyone said how well he made his speech . How proud they were of him and how proud Gran would be .
We all said , we don’t know how he could do it . It takes some doing .
I know personally , I wouldn’t have been able to .

VERY proud of him indeed .

The past week has also been rough . Up and down all the time . Like a yo-yo of emotions . Everyone can’t quite get to grips with it all .

One thing I can say though . Gran is my Hero !!
She was strong all the way through . Fought so hard . And although the cancer may have won in the end , she is a Hero in my eyes . I am privileged to have known Gran for the last 5 years . If I end up being half the woman she was , I would be a very happy lady .  

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