I had a plan.

At age 16 all I wanted to do was act . 

I adored theatre and being on stage . I had been acting for over 10 years and had lead roles in everything . 

All the way through school I was an A* student at acting and script writing .

So when I went to college , it was to no surprise that I chose Performing arts . However , whilst on the course , I realised I had a passion for another side of it . I fell in love with theatre lighting, sound and set design . 

I finished my course after a year with a distinction* (highest grade) and then decided to go back and join the theatre lighting and design course . 

I thrived . It became my way of life . 

Although I was battling with my UC . My lecturer worked around it . He was so understanding and sent work home for me on days I couldn’t make it in . Then when I went in I did the practical side . 

I passed the course again , after 2 years , with the highest grade possible . I got extra grades too because I finished the work early . So I also got a qualification in PAT testing the lights and health and safety . 

It was amazing . Exactly what I wanted to do . 

I took a little break from studying and went to work in retail until I figured out if I wanted to go on to university or straight into the theatre lighting world .

I decided university would be amazing as I could stretch out into other fields too . 

But that’s when my body started giving up on me .

I had an accident whilst doing performing arts which has lead to me having broken discs in my lower spine . I have hip and knee problems too . I had to quit Uni 3 weeks before finishing the year . I was absolutely gutted . But I couldn’t cope with the pain and no sleep . 

I thought it would be a temporary thing . That I could go back and redo the year . But my body is failing me . 

I feel lost . 

I had my whole life career planned out . I knew exactly what I wanted . I set things in motion to get it . But that one slip in the dance studio has destroyed my dreams . 

The pain is getting worse . There’s no sign of pain clinic , physio or hydro therapy . 

I’ve seen physio once in the surgery just to try and get the ball rolling but the positions they have given me just hurt . 

I’m not sleeping for more than 4 hours a night and it’s a broken sleep . 

I’m constantly worried about my future . 

Being 28 and needing a walking stick with a seat on just to go places , is not how I planned for my life to turn out . 

My only interest has ever been theatre . I don’t find any happiness in anything else . But the fast paced environment isn’t for me anymore .

I really am stuck . 

I can’t work 9-5 because I don’t sleep well , so I drop when I drop . 

I’m unreliable because of that . 

Everyday simple tasks are a challenge for me . And my memory is all kaput because of the lack of sleep and pain . I can’t be trusted to boil an egg without walking off from the stove . 

I really do wish life was different right now . If only I didn’t have that fall , I would be on the track to my dream job . But I guess life had a different idea for me . A different path ? 

I wish it was possible to see the future , because right now , I’m stuck battling with my pains and emotions and it’s not fun and games . 


I’m sorry for a depressing post . But I’ve always said I will post the pros and cons of my life . Today just so happens to be a bad one . But I know , it’s only a day 🙂 

Good riddance 2016

Thank God for that . 2016 is over . 

Not that I’m expecting 2017 to be my year or anything . But last year was filled with so much death . 

It started in June 2015 with my partners Gran and then my dog . And then 2016 hit and so many famous people started dropping . Over 80 celebrity deaths . Most being my idols , especially Carrie Fisher , that one really got to me at the end of the year . 

Not to mention my friends who passed away suddenly, both aged 28 .

I normally love Christmas and am like a massive child . But this year, it didn’t seem right . 

All my Dec’s went up . Time spent with family . Music , alcohol , cake etc . But I couldn’t help but feel this massive void . 2016 felt like it left me a shell . Emotionally, I had been so up and down that I think I was exhausted come the end . 

Don’t get me wrong , I appreciate all the amazing gifts and time spent with loved ones . I was truly spoiled again this year . I am just emotionally exhausted .

That’s one thing I can say though , I have slept through the holidays . Been going to bed super late and staying in bed to catch up on sleep too . 

I didn’t celebrate 2017 . I had tea in my pajamas and sat and watched TV with Rob all night . 

One thing I can say though . I am happy 2016 is over . I am ready to move forward from all of that rubbish . It didn’t make me stronger , it beat me black and blue . But it made me thankful for the time I have been on this earth and for the time I have left . Be it a day , year or seventy years . I am thankful . 

So with that said , thank you 2016 and goodbye . Please 2017 , do not be a copy cat ! 

It’s been a while .

I apologise once again for taking such a long break from blogging . 

I’ve been through one heck of an emotional rollercoaster . 

Not only has my health decided to decline (again) but I have lost 2 amazing friends . 

It’s amazing how quickly life flickers before our eyes . One minute someone is there and the next , they’re gone .  Both my friends , Darren and Ian , I had been speaking to the night before they left us . 

Darren passed barely a week before Ian . Both came as a massive shock . 

I was speaking with Darren two nights before . He had seen a man get stabbed and we were talking about getting some flowers to him in the hospital and sending love to the man’s family . Darren was really worried about him . 

Then , just the night after , he said he couldn’t sleep so I sent him some love . 

Myself and Darren met through school . He went to the school just next door to mine . We have a lot of friends in common . 

We remaind big friends through college . Always hanging out ! He was friends with a guy I dated and we were the inseparable trio . 

After college , life got harder for us all . 

My , now ex , is married and has a child , my health declined and limited me from going places and Darren , he was in an even worse boat . 

Darren was born with health issues and needed transplants . He was on the list and friends were even getting tested to see if they could help him . 

The night before I heard about his passing , we were planning to go for coffee and have a catch up . But that day never came . 

Hours after speaking with him , he passed away . Surrounded by family and loved ones . 

Devastated isn’t the word . 

Darren was one of my dearest friends . He’s always had a fond place in my heart , always will . 

Whilst dealing with this awful news . Merely days later , more awful news came . This was a huge shock .  

My friend , Ian , passed away . 

Myself and Ian became friendly through college . We partied every Thursday night and had the wildest and best nights out . He was always kind , loving and caring . My BFG .

BFG was very fitting . Ian was 6 foot something . Insanely tall . Skinny and gave THE best hugs . When I told him he made me feel tiny , he started to pick me up .  I remember him asking me if I was scared being so high up during a cuddle . I just smiled and squished him back . Ian never failed to make me happy . 

Ian was the kind of guy who would always make time for you .  He’d listen and help you out the best that he could . Come the end of the conversation you’d be walking away smiling from ear to ear . 

The night before he passed I congratulated him as he had just started Uni . 2016 really did seem like the year for him . He had just gotten engaged to a lovely lady , he moved to Cardiff and started Uni . His life truly was on the up . 

The news came as such a shock as he had no known health issues . 

He passed away from a heart attack . The cause is unknown . He was with his fiancĂ© walking the campus and next minute , he was gone . That’s what I’ve been told anyway . 

Honestly , we all can’t get our heads around it . 


I attended 2 funerals in one week . Both of close friends . Both my age . Heartbreaking isn’t the word . 

I miss them both dearly .

Cutting ties & moving forward.

Happy New Year everyone 🙂
I hope 2016 treats you well .

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I wanted to write this blog as it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while .
I went through a lot in 2015 . The ups and the major downs.  It was a long roller coaster ride of emotions .
But one thing that has taken a while to click with me, is the loss of friends .

We all go through life meeting new people. We all lose someone in some way shape or form , but I’m not on about the ‘normal’ loss of friends through losing contact or just life getting in the way.  I’m on about losing someone who you considered to be a friend .
The fake friend.
Someone who you put your life on hold for , to meet up with.
Someone who you threw your problems aside for and tried to help them when they were at breaking point .
(But who wouldn’t do this for you .)

And then when their life starts to pick back up, they kick you to the curb .

It feels awful .
The feeling of being used .
No one deserves that .
I don’t understand how people can put someone through it .

Oh my life is hell , they’ll understand

– When you become good enough for them. –

Now my life is back on track, I don’t need that ‘negative’ friend who has helped me through it all, I’ll just kick them to the curb and move on with my life” .

– The part where they become too good for you and you become the negative one . Because they are on the slight “up” that life has given them . –

I’ve been thinking about it a lot . As I do over think things, that’s the whole thing about anxiety .
As much as it magnifies every emotion , it can , every once in a while , make you see things clearly .

I gave my time .
I gave up hours of my days .
I would drop everything for this friend .
I would push my problems aside and I would listen to them go on and on about theirs .
They would cry,  get angry and really vent .
They needed someone and I was willing to be that someone .
To be the shoulder .
I truly believed that they wanted to be friends .
That they were a nice person .
When really , they just saw me for the soft person that I am .
For the person who will do anything to see others happy .

As soon as I had done my work . They got their life back on track , for now. They have a job again , and I feel like they now think they’re better than me. 

I had tried to make contact with this person . But there was always some excuse .
I asked them if everything was ok between us .

They lied .

I then saw them when out and about and they ignored me but acknowledged my friend .

Then in passing conversation between said friends , they dropped the news in about a job .

And it all clicked .

Whilst they think they’re being clever . They’re actually showing their true self .

I was good enough when no one else would listen to them , but the minute they get a part of their life back , boom . I’m not good enough .

They only got their idea of said job , from me . Which is what I find amusing .

I’m better than her now , because I have the job she said would be perfect for me and pointed me in the right direction

But instead of a thank you , I just get tossed aside .

The best part to it all ?

They don’t realise that with depression , it’ll always come back .

The paranoir , the sleepless nights , Panic attacks , feeling ill , feeling unwanted , unloved . Etc .
It isn’t a once in a life time thing that just goes over night . Depression is always there . It just hides until you let your guard down , and then it jumps right back on .

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2015 taught me a lot of hard lessons . The main one is having to let go .

So this blog , is me letting go .
It’s the final goodbye to a toxic relationship .
I may be unfit to work because of health issues , but that doesn’t give anyone the right to treat me like an underdog .
It doesn’t make you a better person because you can get up pain free every day . It doesn’t change who you are .
And nothing gives you the right to treat someone this way .

I know I’m not the only one who has gone through this .
So my advice to you is , cut them off .
Don’t let them get to you. 
They used you and yes it sucks .
They took your nice nature and used it to their advantage .
But that doesn’t make you a bad person , it makes them the bad person .
So instead of just dwelling on it , say your final goodbye , in what ever way you feel appropriate,  and cut all ties .

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I feel good after venting all of this 🙂
Now I can move on to the next chapter of my life .
I hope you can too 🙂

Nadolig / Christmas – A little downer

This year has been a horrible year for myself & family . There has been so much loss & not a lot of gain .
So to say I’ll be glad to see the end of 2015 is an understatement!

Christmas was quite a sad one for me . It’s the first Christmas without Ellie .
I found it extremely emotional & Christmas just wasn’t Christmas this year .
It’s usually my favourite day of the year ,but that was because of Ellie . I used to love spoiling her & seeing her tear open the gifts . She was so funny & cute . But this year , there was a massive void that couldn’t be filled .

So myself & my parents opened our gifts at 00:01 . Rob wouldn’t let me open mine from him until Christmas day . But I didn’t get up early , nor did it bother me that I had to wait .
I put a smile on & got on with it .

I was spoilt . I have everything I have wanted & am super thankful for it . Don’t get me wrong , I was amazed by how much I had . I’ve even managed to book my eyebrow tattoos for Feb 2016. Which I have wanted , & couldn’t afford for a while .

But the void really stuck out .
It was like a massive black hole in the centre of the room for me . Constantly reminding me how lonely I am now Ellie is at the rainbow bridge .
I don’t have my ‘baby sister’ to spoil . My best friend to tell all my secrets to (if Ellie could speak , I would have been in trouble !!)
I’m not good at talking to people , so I tend to hide my feelings & then just explode over stupid things .
But when Ellie was around , I had someone to talk to & help me take my mind off things . She kept me sane .

It’s been over 6 months & I do feel myself slipping …. Slowly , back into deeper depression .
I have asked for another dog but I’m either called silly or just told no .
It has really worn me down .

I have nothing to do except clean.
When Rob’s in work I’m on my own . He works 5 days a week & leaves for work at 7am & doesn’t get home until 5pm.
I don’t have any hobbies except collecting PokĂ©mon cards.
Most of my friends live too far away / have a family / work or are ill.
I’m very lonely on a daily basis, which really doesn’t help my depression at all .

I’ve been given some bad news over the Christmas period too .
I need an urgent back operation as I’ve broken a disc in my spine .
I’ve been in agony for 10 years .
The doctors lost my first mri & then passed it off as anxiety pains .

So , due to this my back has gotten worse .
I had to ask for another mri . The first one I couldn’t make due to illness but the 2nd app I could & did .

So now I have been refered to a neuro . Although , I had to contact rheumatology to forward my results to my gp , to be told this .
Otherwise , I would have had to wait until Feb 19th to find out from them .

So , with that worry on my mind as well  , I have no one to talk to .
I would talk to Ellie about everything & she would help . It sounds silly , I know.  But she helped me through my dark times more than anyone could .

Rob doesn’t understand why I don’t talk to him about my feelings .
It’s nothing personal , I just can’t open up to people .
I can’t speak to my parents either .
I’ve always had a dog , since I was 6 . I’m just used to relying on them . Everytime , it’s helped .

All I found over the years , with people , is that they judge me / bully or bitch about me .
I can usually brush it off , if its pointless lies etc , but if it’s something that I have told them in confidence , it breaks me . I can’t handle that . So that’s why I have such high walls when it comes to me actually speaking to someone .

I’m really sorry this blog is a bit of a downer.  I’m just struggling right now & it’s hard to see the light .
I know I will get there , I have before . I just think that occasions like Christmas , really play on the heart strings & make you realise that money really can’t buy you happiness .

I am thankful for all that I have . But I cannot wait to say goodbye to 2015 .
I’m not saying next year will be better . I honestly couldn’t care less .
But I will take it a day at a time . I’m going to focus on me . (For once) .
I’m getting my eyebrows done on Feb 1st . Then I will be booking to get more of my sleeve done , and I aim to sort my health out with my operation .

If I manage to do all 3 , I’ll be happy .

I would say I’ll get a dog too , but every time I bring it up I get shot down or shouted at . So , I won’t get my hopes up lol

Anyway , I hope my readers have had a far better Christmas than me & I hope the new year treats you well !!

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A little positive from a big negative

Well I did it !! I managed to pull a lovely group of amazing people together & get them to donate dog & cat bits for Many Tears Animal Rescue in Llanelli 😀

I am overwhelmed by how much we have managed to pull together !! Honestly did not expect this 🙂
What was going to be a small hamper , has turned out to be something larger 😀

I am so happy !!

Considering this year started off rubbish , & it’s been getting worse & worse , I can see us ending it on a high with this donation to an amazing cause 🙂
Cannot wait to take this hamper in to them tomorrow .
We also managed to raise ÂŁ22
which may not seem like much , but it will help them with food / blankets / etc .

I cannot thank everyone enough !!!!

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Absent

You may have noticed , over the past 2-3 weeks I haven’t been as active as I would have liked to have been .
This is because of some very sad circumstances .

Since October 2014 , my FiancĂ©’s Gran has been battling Leukemia . It has been very tough on the whole family . But Gran did amazingly .
She came in to remission at the end of April . She started to pick up and was looking as beautiful as ever .
Gran got her smile back and was slowly getting her strength back too .
Then , out of no where Gran just wouldn’t wake up . Her body was shutting down and she was rushed into hospital . It all happened so fast !

Rob , my fiancĂ© , got a phone call on the Monday saying to go in and say his Goodbye’s because she didn’t have much time left 😩
But little did we know she was fighting it even though she was sleeping .
Gran managed to open her eyes twice in one week . She was strong to the end .

Rob was there one night when Gran opened her eyes and personally , I think it was nice , for her to see her loved ones all together one last time . It’s a lovely image to have .
Gran sadly passed away a few days later in hospital . It was peaceful and she wasn’t in any pain . But it is heartbreaking .
The funeral was a week ago yesterday and it was such a lovely send off .

Gran used to teach dance classes . She had 5 in total and over 50 people in each . Both herself and Gramps would dance the night away with all of their friends ! They were utterly amazing !

On birthdays they both would get around 200 cards EACH from friends and family .
So you can just about imagine how many people showed up to pay their respects . Not everyone could fit in the Crematorium .

But I have to say , Gran would have been proud of her family . The flowers were perfect , the music was perfect and well pretty much everything was perfect !
I could picture Gran dancing away in front of us when the music was playing  .
The end song was called “Fox Trot” and it was also the name of her favourite dance .

During the funeral , Rob stood up and gave such a wonderful speech . It made me both proud and emotional .
All the wonderful memories he has to keep . The funny silly memories as a child and the memories he made with her as an adult .
He was very emotional as you can imagine , but he stood up there so proud to be called her Grandson . So proud to have known such a wonderful woman .
Rob has also written a song , which he read out as a poem .
(We will be putting these online for download but also selling them at future gigs , to raise money for Leukemia Research .)

Everyone said how well he made his speech . How proud they were of him and how proud Gran would be .
We all said , we don’t know how he could do it . It takes some doing .
I know personally , I wouldn’t have been able to .

VERY proud of him indeed .

The past week has also been rough . Up and down all the time . Like a yo-yo of emotions . Everyone can’t quite get to grips with it all .

One thing I can say though . Gran is my Hero !!
She was strong all the way through . Fought so hard . And although the cancer may have won in the end , she is a Hero in my eyes . I am privileged to have known Gran for the last 5 years . If I end up being half the woman she was , I would be a very happy lady .  

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