I had a plan.

At age 16 all I wanted to do was act . 

I adored theatre and being on stage . I had been acting for over 10 years and had lead roles in everything . 

All the way through school I was an A* student at acting and script writing .

So when I went to college , it was to no surprise that I chose Performing arts . However , whilst on the course , I realised I had a passion for another side of it . I fell in love with theatre lighting, sound and set design . 

I finished my course after a year with a distinction* (highest grade) and then decided to go back and join the theatre lighting and design course . 

I thrived . It became my way of life . 

Although I was battling with my UC . My lecturer worked around it . He was so understanding and sent work home for me on days I couldn’t make it in . Then when I went in I did the practical side . 

I passed the course again , after 2 years , with the highest grade possible . I got extra grades too because I finished the work early . So I also got a qualification in PAT testing the lights and health and safety . 

It was amazing . Exactly what I wanted to do . 

I took a little break from studying and went to work in retail until I figured out if I wanted to go on to university or straight into the theatre lighting world .

I decided university would be amazing as I could stretch out into other fields too . 

But that’s when my body started giving up on me .

I had an accident whilst doing performing arts which has lead to me having broken discs in my lower spine . I have hip and knee problems too . I had to quit Uni 3 weeks before finishing the year . I was absolutely gutted . But I couldn’t cope with the pain and no sleep . 

I thought it would be a temporary thing . That I could go back and redo the year . But my body is failing me . 

I feel lost . 

I had my whole life career planned out . I knew exactly what I wanted . I set things in motion to get it . But that one slip in the dance studio has destroyed my dreams . 

The pain is getting worse . There’s no sign of pain clinic , physio or hydro therapy . 

I’ve seen physio once in the surgery just to try and get the ball rolling but the positions they have given me just hurt . 

I’m not sleeping for more than 4 hours a night and it’s a broken sleep . 

I’m constantly worried about my future . 

Being 28 and needing a walking stick with a seat on just to go places , is not how I planned for my life to turn out . 

My only interest has ever been theatre . I don’t find any happiness in anything else . But the fast paced environment isn’t for me anymore .

I really am stuck . 

I can’t work 9-5 because I don’t sleep well , so I drop when I drop . 

I’m unreliable because of that . 

Everyday simple tasks are a challenge for me . And my memory is all kaput because of the lack of sleep and pain . I can’t be trusted to boil an egg without walking off from the stove . 

I really do wish life was different right now . If only I didn’t have that fall , I would be on the track to my dream job . But I guess life had a different idea for me . A different path ? 

I wish it was possible to see the future , because right now , I’m stuck battling with my pains and emotions and it’s not fun and games . 


I’m sorry for a depressing post . But I’ve always said I will post the pros and cons of my life . Today just so happens to be a bad one . But I know , it’s only a day πŸ™‚ 

The past 2 weeks .

A lot has happened the past 2 weeks . 

Back in December I was told I was in remission with my Ulcerative Colitis . Which was amazing news for me . Even though I was getting small fare ups , I could cope . 

After 8 years of suffering I thought I was finally getting somewhere . 

Until ….

Last week I saw a doctor at my surgery . He went through my notes . I went down about hip and knees pains . 

He told me I had nothing wrong with my spine . Even though neuro says I have broken and bulging discs . He said everyone does . He also said I have ibs but didn’t test for it . He gave me meds for that . Then asked if I take anti inflammatories . To which I said no because of my UC . He went on to say that I can now as I’m in remission . 

He then said he will give me pain killers for me knees and hips and see how we go . 

That was last Tuesday . 

Five days later I was in extreme pain . When I read up about the meds , I found they were NSAIDS (Non steroid anti inflammatory drugs) . 

I stopped them immediately and prayed the pain would go away . 

Come Monday I was rushed to A&E . In pain and bleeding , a lot . 

Turns out I was right . I am not allowed these meds and the doctor in no way should have prescribed them . Even when in remission . UC is a life long condition . It never goes away , just lies dormant for a while . 

Now I have been referred back to gastro . Awaiting further tests to see what damage it has caused . 

Speaking with a doctor in A&E she confirmed that it can progress into Crohns in circumstances like mine . The worst case scenario is also bowel cancer depending how bad everything is . It’s doubtful but can’t be ruled out until I see gastro . 

However , this means my anxiety is at an all time high again . Panic attacks are back due to stress . All because a doctor didn’t do his job right . 

I am fuming to say the least . 

I feel like it’s one step forward and twenty back . 

I have really been struggling with all of this . Mentally and physically . 

Thankfully I have my family to help me through it . Without them I wouldn’t be able to cope . 

They have all been my rocks πŸ’œπŸ’œ

Family is definitely everything in times like these . 

They have helped me keep going and also encouraged me to take up hobbies to take my mind off it all . 

Along with raising money for Many Tears Animal Rescue , I have also decided to try out making glitter glasses πŸ™‚ 

They’re a lot of fun on my good days πŸ™‚ Although , I have quite a few now haha .

They help me relax and are super easy to make too πŸ™‚ 

My aim this year is to save more money . So making gifts is the way forward . Something personal and made with love and something that keeps my mind active and not ticking over on the bad stuff . 

I highly recommend it to anyone who loves being creative . It’s a nice pass time . Along with spending time with loved ones πŸ™‚ 


Kindness .

I have been absent due to many reasons lately , to which I apologise . 

However , one of the reasons is that I’m busy . 

I’ve been going through one hell of a lot with my health and I found I started to spiral with my mental health , so I decided to do something positive . 

If you have read my blogs in the past , you would know I have a charity which I hold close to my heart . 

Many Tears Animal Rescue . 

They have been struggling lately for money due to their food supplier not being able to donate anymore . So all of their money is being stretched out over many things . One major thing being life saving operations . 

They have asked for help on their Facebook page :  https://www.facebook.com/manytearsrescue/

So I have decided to start up a Facebook page of my own , with raffles to help get some pennies for them . 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/395115930823972/

On the page is the go fund me link which I also set up for them πŸ™‚ 

https://www.gofundme.com/wp2arwjs-help-many-tears-animal-rescue

Every penny I raise will go to them . 

If you enter the raffles and live in the UK, I will post the prize to you (if you don’t live near) and the money will come out of my own pocket πŸ™‚ 

Doing something good has really helped me cope better with what I am going through . 

Since losing Ellie back in 2015 , I have chosen to help this charity because of their amazing work . They do so much for the animals . All staff work on minimum wage and never ask for a penny more . They even put their hard earned cash back in to the rescue to help the animals . Cleaning products etc . 


If you could please take some time to have a look , donate / share either this blog , the links or just the go fund me page . I would be extremely great-full . 


Thank you all so far for your support πŸ’œπŸ’œ

Fresh air .

The last few days I’ve been feeling really unwell . My sleep pattern is off , my heads been painful , I’ve even been feeling sick . Along with my normal aches and pains . So today I thought “stuff it” . 

I dropped everything , grabbed the boys and went out for a walk with my Dad . 

We are both disabled so there are constant stops etc but we needed to get out . 

Best decision ever ! 

We went on a walk called ‘The Cratch’ . It’s a lovely, quiet walk , out of the way , by the river in Kidwelly . There aren’t vary many people down there and the views are stunning ! 


I never get out because of my health , but I’m glad I did today . 

It was chilly but we wrapped up . Including the furkids . 

It’s not a long walk but it took us around an hour and a half . 

My head cleared instantly ! All of my symptoms eased and my mood lifted . It was a beautiful day . 

We met a lovely lady who’s recently moved to Llanelli from Manchester . She gave the furkids some treats and they played with her furkid . It was so nice getting to know them and chatting about our love of animals . 

We truly live in a beautiful place . It may be a small town , but Kidwelly has some lovely walks . 

I think my next purchase is going to be a walking stick which has a seat . I really need to go on more walks and I know I can’t walk very far unaided , so I think it will be a practical purchase . It also gives me something to look forward to . 

I may look into some other nice walks within driving distance , and take the furkids with me to explore them .

If you have the “New Years Blues” like me , I really recommend going on a walk somewhere . The fresh air has really helped me a lot . And for once , I am in bed before 6am . 

On top of it allΒ 

So to top off my previous blog , my health is complete rubbish again .

I am awaiting hydrotherapy , physiotherapy and pain clinic , all whilst battling to come off these God awful drugs – Gabapentin – . I am meant to have a colonoscopy in 13 days but can’t whilst on these meds . So have to postpone yet again . 

I have been told I am anemic again . Great . So here’s the fun part . . . . 

I’m anemic , so I have been told by Doctors that if my iron drops again I need infusions . End of . No messing around with drugs or vitamins etc as my body doesn’t absorb them and I nearly died last time . 

So I go and see a Doctor . We only have locums now .

She tells me I’m under half – Her words – and that I should buy vitamins to top up . She also said that when I decide not to be vegetarian my health will improve !! Bare in mind I am vegetarian because I have been advised by doctors to be . And having UC , it’s not a good idea to eat meat !

When I bring up what all previous doctors and consultants say , she just has a go at me and tells me to buy multi vitamins .  

So I walked out of there annoyed , but got those damned vitamins . Which made me sick , caused sleepless nights and made me feel worse . 

She also told me to stop my gabapentin .  Which I did and had severe migraines , shallow breathing and multiple panic attacks . Hense why I am back on them . 

Trying to see a doctor at the moment is hell . You just can’t seem to get an appointment . I am not only battling with my health but with my surgery . It doesn’t help . I’m stressed and ill and seriously do not have the energy .  Between what I have been through , my depression and all of this on top . These are the reasons why I have avoided posting anything , blog wise . 

I have missed blogging as it helps me and I like to think it helps others to be open and speak out . It helps settle my mind when it’s in overdrive and it makes me happy . But battling all of this , my mind is a mess . I can’t seem to function properly on a normal day . I’m exhausted , forgetful , snappy and just fed up . Nothing I do seems to help . 

If anyone has any advice on how to relieve pain , sleep more – at least 8 hours instead of 2 – , relax my mind etc . I’d greatly appreciate it ! 

Thank you all for being so patient with me and supporting me . It means a lot .

What speaking out has done for me.

Many people are terrified to speak out about suffering from mental illness .
I was one of these.

For many years my life was tough and 90% of it was down to me.
I wasn’t willing to accept my illness.

I hid it the best that I could when I was out of the house.
People just saw me as a timid child, but my home life was hell.
Constant arguing and fighting over stupid things. I couldn’t control my anger.
I wasn’t angry at my family, I was angry at myself, but I would blame them as it was easier.

Hiding anxiety is tough and when you lash out, you normally lash out at those closest to you.
My parents just thought I was a naughty child, but there was so much more to it, I just couldn’t tell them.

Eventually, I went to see a doctor when I was 16. I was diagnosed with depression at aged 6 but they put it down to school and being a “school phobic”.
I was a phobic of most things, anything that included people and strangers.
I spoke to the doctor and they advised me that I should take medication. They gave me leaflets and told me to speak about how I was feeling and to keep diaries to help me speak about it.
I did the diary part, but I never spoke out about it.
I refused medication for as long as I could. I did speak to my parents about my anxieties but very vaguely.

I went through a lot in my short life, counselling being a main thing in my life. I hated it. Strangers wanting to know everything about me and asking me why I was feeling this way etc etc. It’s not my cup of tea.

I gave in to medications at the age of 24. It made me spiral backwards and I was at an all time low. The doctors kept changing them often. I was getting worse and worse.
I managed, after a year and a half, to pull myself off them .

Eventually, when I was 25. I started CBT.
CBT changed my life.
I spoke to my family and loved ones about my illness. I opened up completely.
It lifted a massive weight.

CBT only lasts 8 weeks. One session , one hour a week, but it made a HUGE difference to me.
Alun helped me focus on the here and now. He made me realise I wasn’t weird or an outcast. I accepted my illness and I managed to help others accept meΒ to.
He helped me make this blog page which in turn has helped a few other people cope with their mental illness. I have also made new friends through this and I don’t feel lost anymore.

Speaking out has helped me:

  • Stopped the arguments.
  • Made others understand that I’m not cutting them out, my anxieties restrict me.
  • Made new friends.
  • Helped others speak out.
  • See my friends more now.
  • Made a blog.
  • Taken a lot of weight off my shoulders.
  • Got people off my back about working again.
  • I’ve spoken about all of my physical illnesses, as speaking out about my mental illness has given me the confidence to be open.
  • Made me feel more “normal”.
  • I have accepted myself and the hand I have been dealt.

As terrifying as it is to think about, it really isn’t anything like that. Thinking about it is the worst part.
Once you know you’re ready to accept yourself, speaking is part of the healing process.
I’m no where near “cured”, but I am getting there. I am slowly taking steps in the right direction, and as long as this road may be, I know I can get through it.
Day by day, little by little.

I highly recommend speaking out to everyone.
The best people to start with are the ones closest to you. Eg. Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, etc.

You’ll be surprised by how many people understand.

Everyday mini updates

Lola Bee invites you to join their network on tsu! http://tsu.co/ThatLolaGirl

Sorry I have been a little quiet on here lately . I have been battling with colds and viruses .
I promise an update will happen soon . I just don’t want it to be pointless and boring just for the sake of updating .
However, my link above is to my TSΕͺ profile. I post daily on there so you can see what I’m doing .
A lot is about mental health but other bits are about my dogs and little happy things πŸ™‚
I love TSΕͺ as a whole as the community on there are amazing and supportive πŸ™‚ If you wish to join then feel free to use my link to sign up (you have to know someone to join) .
But otherwise you can just link yourself above and have a nose on my profile πŸ™‚

I hope you’re all well and enjoying life the best you can πŸ’œπŸ’œ