I had a plan.

At age 16 all I wanted to do was act . 

I adored theatre and being on stage . I had been acting for over 10 years and had lead roles in everything . 

All the way through school I was an A* student at acting and script writing .

So when I went to college , it was to no surprise that I chose Performing arts . However , whilst on the course , I realised I had a passion for another side of it . I fell in love with theatre lighting, sound and set design . 

I finished my course after a year with a distinction* (highest grade) and then decided to go back and join the theatre lighting and design course . 

I thrived . It became my way of life . 

Although I was battling with my UC . My lecturer worked around it . He was so understanding and sent work home for me on days I couldn’t make it in . Then when I went in I did the practical side . 

I passed the course again , after 2 years , with the highest grade possible . I got extra grades too because I finished the work early . So I also got a qualification in PAT testing the lights and health and safety . 

It was amazing . Exactly what I wanted to do . 

I took a little break from studying and went to work in retail until I figured out if I wanted to go on to university or straight into the theatre lighting world .

I decided university would be amazing as I could stretch out into other fields too . 

But that’s when my body started giving up on me .

I had an accident whilst doing performing arts which has lead to me having broken discs in my lower spine . I have hip and knee problems too . I had to quit Uni 3 weeks before finishing the year . I was absolutely gutted . But I couldn’t cope with the pain and no sleep . 

I thought it would be a temporary thing . That I could go back and redo the year . But my body is failing me . 

I feel lost . 

I had my whole life career planned out . I knew exactly what I wanted . I set things in motion to get it . But that one slip in the dance studio has destroyed my dreams . 

The pain is getting worse . There’s no sign of pain clinic , physio or hydro therapy . 

I’ve seen physio once in the surgery just to try and get the ball rolling but the positions they have given me just hurt . 

I’m not sleeping for more than 4 hours a night and it’s a broken sleep . 

I’m constantly worried about my future . 

Being 28 and needing a walking stick with a seat on just to go places , is not how I planned for my life to turn out . 

My only interest has ever been theatre . I don’t find any happiness in anything else . But the fast paced environment isn’t for me anymore .

I really am stuck . 

I can’t work 9-5 because I don’t sleep well , so I drop when I drop . 

I’m unreliable because of that . 

Everyday simple tasks are a challenge for me . And my memory is all kaput because of the lack of sleep and pain . I can’t be trusted to boil an egg without walking off from the stove . 

I really do wish life was different right now . If only I didn’t have that fall , I would be on the track to my dream job . But I guess life had a different idea for me . A different path ? 

I wish it was possible to see the future , because right now , I’m stuck battling with my pains and emotions and it’s not fun and games . 

I’m sorry for a depressing post . But I’ve always said I will post the pros and cons of my life . Today just so happens to be a bad one . But I know , it’s only a day 🙂 

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