Anxiety, Carmarthenshire, Colonoscopy, Coming together, Depression, Family, Food, Friends, Future, Health, Illness, Invisible illness, Medication, Mental Illness, Moviprep, Panic attacks, Panic Disorder, South Wales, South West Wales, UK, Unfair, Wales

The waiting game….

Had my colonoscopy on Monday . 

Ouch!!

I’m not going to lie , it was horrific . 

I had to have gas and air and pre med . I was still screaming in pain . It really really hurt . 

Naturally I am pale , but I came out of there looking like a ghost . I was white !! 

They couldn’t find a vein to put my canola in .  When they did it spurted everywhere .  Eventually my consultant got it in one go . 

I somehow convinced my consultant that I’m rich because we were all talking tattoos . He asked what I did for a living and I said nothing . To which he smiled and I didn’t correct him haha . It’s not a bad thing right ? It’s better than him thinking I’m a bum or something haha . 

I brought up about the laxatives though . They all agreed that something needs of be done about it . They have had loads of complaints !!

Back to the op . My Ulcerative Colitis wasn’t flared up which was good , but they found something they didn’t like so they’ve taken 10 biopsies and I should have the results in 1 to 2 weeks with a follow up app in 3 to 4 weeks .  I can phone to get the results before the app though , which is great . I hate waiting . 

The things they found could be anything though . From food intolerance to the major stuff I don’t want to think about . 

As I feel unwell daily it could be anything . Although , I do want tests done to see what I am allergic to as every time I eat my stomach hurts . It stretches and I have stretch marks because of it . So hopefully the results will confirm that and I can get referred for further tests and sort that out . Here’s hoping anyways . 
I hope I haven’t scared anyone with these blogs though . I have had 2 colonoscopies before this one and they didn’t hurt . They were uncomfortable but not painful . I don’t know what was different this time , but it was horrendous .  I highly recommend pain relief of all kinds haha . Although I did refuse the high end pain relief as I wanted to leave asap afterwards to see my friend who is in hospital .  I ended up missing the time slots though …. If I had known , I would have had all the pain relief going …. Not happy .  But I’m extremely glad I got it out of the way . 

Now all I have to do is get over the allergic reaction . lol . Yeah . My body has decided to be a jerk . We assume it’s a reaction to the meds . Although I am better tonight , I have been suffering with flu like symptoms . Shakes and feeling cold came first , then yesterday I was sneezing like crazy and my face was puffy , which only ever happens when I’m allergic to something . Today I’ve just felt like jelly . Wobbling all over the place . I’m also off food although I’m trying my best to eat . 

It really is worth it though ๐Ÿ™‚ At least in a few weeks I will know what is up with that area of my body and I can fix it . 

I will keep everyone updated .

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Anxiety, Carmarthenshire, Colonoscopy, Coming together, Depression, Family, Friends, Future, Health, Illness, Invisible illness, Medication, Mental Illness, Moviprep, Panic attacks, Panic Disorder, Sad, South Wales, South West Wales, UK, Unfair, Wales

Colonoscopy day .

They lied . Moviprep doesn’t last for 2 hours max . It used to …. But I have had just under an hours sleep and now I’m up to start drinking some more . I am dropping !!

I spoke to a friend who has been through it lately , she was up all night too with it . So it’s not just me . Be prepared if you’re going through it . 

It says after an hour of your stomach settling , you can take any prescribed meds . I took mine at 11pm thinking I would be fine . Turns out I wasted meds . 

I’ve had chest pains and a numb right leg and now basically no sleep before starting it all again . 

Colonoscopies really aren’t easy .  

People think it’s just a few laxatives and you’re away . I honestly wish it were that easy . I’m starving , exhausted and in a lot of pain . I can’t eat for at least another 8 hours (min) . I can’t sleep for another 10 to 12 hours . And my meds won’t start to work again , to take the edge off , for another 24 hours .  I’m shakey , anxious , feeling sick , and this is just the start of the day . 

I will get meds to calm me down once I am at the hospital , which do help a lot . But this really isn’t a walk in the park . It horrific .  Anyone who tells you different , really is lying . 

I am going to be telling my consultant today what I have been through and how I think it is unfair that people are up all night on moviprep .  Especially those with mental health conditions . No sleep makes everything a million times worse . 

I really can’t wait to get today over with .

Anxiety, Breathing, Carmarthenshire, Colonoscopy, Coming together, Depression, Family, Food, Friends, Future, Health, Illness, Invisible illness, Medication, Mental Illness, Moviprep, Panic attacks, Panic Disorder, South Wales, South West Wales, UK, Unfair, Wales

Going for a colonoscopy .

Tomorrow is the day I go for a colonoscopy .  I’m nervous as expected .  My anxiety is high and I feel weak . 

I’m anemic and have to starve myself for 24 hours . I also have eating problems . I struggle to eat more than one meal and I struggle to eat before 4pm . 

I had to have food before 1pm . I made scrambled eggs on white toast .  I can’t eat white bread but you aren’t allowed anything else . So had no choice . I’ve been feeling ill ever since . Shakes and feeling super sick . 

I started the prep (moviprep) at 7pm . It’s foul . Smells of lemon and tastes like salt . Making me feel even worse . 

I am drinking plenty of water because of it though . Which is a plus !

Honestly , think this is the worst part of the op though . The colonoscopy itself doesn’t last very long and it isn’t painful . Slightly uncomfortable but not painful . (I’ve had 2 before) .

It’s not even the not eating part that gets to me or the effects of moviprep , it’s the anemia and the shakes .  The feeling sick and not being able to do anything about it . 

Normally eating something sugary helps , but I can’t touch anything now until after my colonoscopy at 2pm tomorrow .

I keep thinking that it’s worth it .  To see what’s going on inside . But the shakes really make me think otherwise .  

The bonus of it all for me though , is that I get a Costa after it all haha . I have warned my parents – as they’re taking me – that we will be sitting in there eating and drinking ! I swear I’m addicted ….

Well , that’s my little update for now . I will let you know how it all goes tomorrow , and how amazing the Costa was ๐Ÿ˜› 

Animals, Anxiety, Carmarthenshire, CBT, Coming together, Depression, Dogs, Family, Friends, Future, Health, Illness, Invisible illness, Love, Mental Illness, Panic attacks, Panic Disorder, South Wales, South West Wales, UK, Wales

My world (s)

I blog a lot about what I go through but never enough about my two little furbabies who help me through it all . 

Stan .

And Oscar .

They’re both just over a year old now . 

Both busy Bee’s and keep me on my toes . I wouldn’t have it any other way . 

If you suffer with mental health you will know you have to live in the here and now , otherwise your mind goes haywire and you find you can’t cope . You are your own worst enemy at the best of times . 

Having my two fur kids has helped me majorly . 

I now have two little ones to look out for . 

I have to get up in the mornings . 

I have to go out . 

I have to stay active . 

I have more of a routine . 

When you have fur kids you HAVE to stay on top of things . They can’t feed themselves , brush themselves , go for long walks on their own etc . You have to be responsible . I can’t walk very far without taking breaks but my little ones understand this . They enjoy no matter what . So long as we are doing something , they have fun . That’s all they want . 

However , in doing so much for them , they’re doing the same in return for me . 

I don’t have time to sit around and mope anymore . I am always on the go . 

Take Stan for instance . He’s the oldest but he’s the troublemaker . Oscar can sit quiet but Stan won’t unless I’m sitting down and he can sit on my lap . I have to watch him like a hawk ! He rips carpets , digs , steals pizza off your plate , drinks your coffee if he can get to it , pinches the TV remote , chews through toys , eats stones , rummages through bins etc . The list goes on ! 

Oh and if I do need a lye in in the morning , you can guarantee he’s messed his bed up . We have gone through 3 beds in 9 months . He’s a bugger , but a loveable one ! 

They most certainly keep me going and make me laugh each and every day . They are always so happy and it rubs off on me . Yes , they’re busy and messy , yes they are pains in the bum , but they’re my babies and I wouldn’t change a thing . 

My depression has died down a lot since having them . It hasn’t completely gone , I do get some super bad days , but I can manage better with them by my side ๐Ÿ™‚ We are a trio and I love every moment ! They’re better than any anti depressant pill . The only side effect is happiness . Oh and poop …. Lots and lots of poop . They are poop machines ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚


Anxiety, Breathing, Carmarthenshire, CBT, Coming together, Depression, Health, Illness, Invisible illness, Llanelli, Medication, Mental Illness, Panic attacks, Panic Disorder, South Wales, South West Wales, UK, Unfair, Wales

On top of it allย 

So to top off my previous blog , my health is complete rubbish again .

I am awaiting hydrotherapy , physiotherapy and pain clinic , all whilst battling to come off these God awful drugs – Gabapentin – . I am meant to have a colonoscopy in 13 days but can’t whilst on these meds . So have to postpone yet again . 

I have been told I am anemic again . Great . So here’s the fun part . . . . 

I’m anemic , so I have been told by Doctors that if my iron drops again I need infusions . End of . No messing around with drugs or vitamins etc as my body doesn’t absorb them and I nearly died last time . 

So I go and see a Doctor . We only have locums now .

She tells me I’m under half – Her words – and that I should buy vitamins to top up . She also said that when I decide not to be vegetarian my health will improve !! Bare in mind I am vegetarian because I have been advised by doctors to be . And having UC , it’s not a good idea to eat meat !

When I bring up what all previous doctors and consultants say , she just has a go at me and tells me to buy multi vitamins .  

So I walked out of there annoyed , but got those damned vitamins . Which made me sick , caused sleepless nights and made me feel worse . 

She also told me to stop my gabapentin .  Which I did and had severe migraines , shallow breathing and multiple panic attacks . Hense why I am back on them . 

Trying to see a doctor at the moment is hell . You just can’t seem to get an appointment . I am not only battling with my health but with my surgery . It doesn’t help . I’m stressed and ill and seriously do not have the energy .  Between what I have been through , my depression and all of this on top . These are the reasons why I have avoided posting anything , blog wise . 

I have missed blogging as it helps me and I like to think it helps others to be open and speak out . It helps settle my mind when it’s in overdrive and it makes me happy . But battling all of this , my mind is a mess . I can’t seem to function properly on a normal day . I’m exhausted , forgetful , snappy and just fed up . Nothing I do seems to help . 

If anyone has any advice on how to relieve pain , sleep more – at least 8 hours instead of 2 – , relax my mind etc . I’d greatly appreciate it ! 

Thank you all for being so patient with me and supporting me . It means a lot .

Carmarthenshire, Coming together, Depression, Family, Friends, Illness, Invisible illness, Love, Mental Illness, RIP, Sad, South Wales, South West Wales, UK, Unfair, Wales

It’s been a while .

I apologise once again for taking such a long break from blogging . 

I’ve been through one heck of an emotional rollercoaster . 

Not only has my health decided to decline (again) but I have lost 2 amazing friends . 

It’s amazing how quickly life flickers before our eyes . One minute someone is there and the next , they’re gone .  Both my friends , Darren and Ian , I had been speaking to the night before they left us . 

Darren passed barely a week before Ian . Both came as a massive shock . 

I was speaking with Darren two nights before . He had seen a man get stabbed and we were talking about getting some flowers to him in the hospital and sending love to the man’s family . Darren was really worried about him . 

Then , just the night after , he said he couldn’t sleep so I sent him some love . 

Myself and Darren met through school . He went to the school just next door to mine . We have a lot of friends in common . 

We remaind big friends through college . Always hanging out ! He was friends with a guy I dated and we were the inseparable trio . 

After college , life got harder for us all . 

My , now ex , is married and has a child , my health declined and limited me from going places and Darren , he was in an even worse boat . 

Darren was born with health issues and needed transplants . He was on the list and friends were even getting tested to see if they could help him . 

The night before I heard about his passing , we were planning to go for coffee and have a catch up . But that day never came . 

Hours after speaking with him , he passed away . Surrounded by family and loved ones . 

Devastated isn’t the word . 

Darren was one of my dearest friends . He’s always had a fond place in my heart , always will . 

Whilst dealing with this awful news . Merely days later , more awful news came . This was a huge shock .  

My friend , Ian , passed away . 

Myself and Ian became friendly through college . We partied every Thursday night and had the wildest and best nights out . He was always kind , loving and caring . My BFG .

BFG was very fitting . Ian was 6 foot something . Insanely tall . Skinny and gave THE best hugs . When I told him he made me feel tiny , he started to pick me up .  I remember him asking me if I was scared being so high up during a cuddle . I just smiled and squished him back . Ian never failed to make me happy . 

Ian was the kind of guy who would always make time for you .  He’d listen and help you out the best that he could . Come the end of the conversation you’d be walking away smiling from ear to ear . 

The night before he passed I congratulated him as he had just started Uni . 2016 really did seem like the year for him . He had just gotten engaged to a lovely lady , he moved to Cardiff and started Uni . His life truly was on the up . 

The news came as such a shock as he had no known health issues . 

He passed away from a heart attack . The cause is unknown . He was with his fiancรฉ walking the campus and next minute , he was gone . That’s what I’ve been told anyway . 

Honestly , we all can’t get our heads around it . 


I attended 2 funerals in one week . Both of close friends . Both my age . Heartbreaking isn’t the word . 

I miss them both dearly .