Slowly breaking ….

Recently I’ve felt really lost.
I’m at that point where I don’t know which way my life is going to go .

I suffer with so many problems;
πŸŽ€ Ulcerative Colitis
πŸŽ€ Anxiety
πŸŽ€ Depression
πŸŽ€Panic Attacks
πŸŽ€ Broken Disc
πŸŽ€ Migraines
πŸŽ€ Food Allergies
πŸŽ€ Anemia

Just to name a few .
The chronic pain really gets me down on top of it all.
It makes it impossible for me to get through a day.

A lot of people don’t understand this . I don’t speak about my problems enough .
I get told I should get back to work, which I would love to, but they don’t get what my life is like .

Since I was 6 years old I have suffered with depression . This made me a school phobic .
I have social anxiety too .
I hate new circumstances. 
Meeting new people genuinely terrifies me.

Then, when I was 7 I was diagnosed with Osteomyelitis
— “Inflammation of bone or bone marrow, usually due to infection.”

I needed an operation but when I went for it they couldn’t find where it had gone .
The bone was hollow though so it had been there …. 
I have always been told I need to be extra careful as it’s still somewhere in my body , but they don’t know where. 
This has made my bones very weak.
And I bruise very easily.

Then came the panic attacks around age 9 .
I would get fits of anger too through these .
I had counselling for my whole school life . I had 5 different counsellors all in all .
They did nothing for me .

I went to work at age 16 .
I worked hard but my depression and anxiety got the best of me .
I went from job to job .
I got sacked from a few because I was always ill. 
I was known to collapse / faint .
People would say it was sugar levels but it was my blood / anemia . Which we found out only a year ago .
My iron levels were so low , I could have died at any point . And that’s no exaggeration!!

Between jobs I also went to college .
I studied Performing Arts for a year and passed with the highest grade .

During this time I thought I had broken my coccyx bone . I fell in the dance studio on the wooden floor .
The doctors told me I couldn’t have broken it and blamed my anxiety for years.
Recently, found out I have broken my disc in my back .

I then went on to theatre lighting and design for 3 years which I also passed with the highest grade .
I wouldn’t have passed it if it wasn’t for my tutor though . He is an incredible man and became like my best friend .

I was off for a few months due to illness .
I thought I had bowel cancer .
I was extremely ill.
I was able to work from home thanks to my tutor , while I was having tests and biopsies .
It turned out to be Ulcerative Colitis. 
I still don’t have it under control nearly 7 years on .
Not a day goes by without a flare up . Some are super bad and others are bareable .
This doesn’t help my anemia as I’m losing blood on a daily basis ( not nice I know but this is my life ) .

So whilst a lot of people are judging me because all they see is me smiling and very very rarely see me going out …. I’m going through hell .

When someone says I need a job . I can’t just brush it off .
More than anything I want to work .

I trained for a job that I have been dreaming about for as long as I can remember. 

But it is impossible for me to hold one down .

I have tried and tried and either end up having to leave or being sacked because I have too many sick days .

I don’t just sit around every day playing games or having a laugh .

Most days I can barely walk because of the chronic pain I am in .

The disc in my spine is leaning on the major nerve, causing pain in my spine , hips and knees .
My life is pretty difficult .

I am lost .
I want a future where I can work. 
But I can’t find a path to take ?

I have zero motivation because I barely sleep .
I’m exhausted . (It’s 5am now) .
I barely eat because of the pain .
I don’t leave the house because of it and the fact I have social anxiety. 

So what can I do? 

Even going to the doctors is terrifying for me . Let alone heading out to a job .

I’m currently attempting to write a book again .
I’m also painting as and when I can .
But it takes me about 3-6 months to finish one painting .
So it’s not like I’m not trying ….

My point to this blog, is that people really need to stop judging. 

I smile a lot, I do my best and I help people as and when I can .

I don’t talk to a lot of people about my problems because I know you have your own .

I don’t like being a burden .

But when people think I’m A ok and just lazy . It really annoys me .

I have fought a battle since age 6 .
It’s not something a child should do . 21 years on , I’m still fighting .
I don’t need judgemental people on my case on top of it all .
Life’s hard enough !!

There is one bit of credit I can give myself though , and others like me .
We are bloody strong .
Because , no matter how exhausted we are , we still keep fighting πŸ™‚

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