Anxiety, Carmarthenshire, CBT, Coming together, Depression, Eczema, Family, Friends, Future, Health, Illness, Invisible illness, Love, Mental Illness, Panic attacks, Panic Disorder, South Wales, South West Wales, UK, Wales

Slowly breaking ….

Recently I’ve felt really lost.
I’m at that point where I don’t know which way my life is going to go .

I suffer with so many problems;
πŸŽ€ Ulcerative Colitis
πŸŽ€ Anxiety
πŸŽ€ Depression
πŸŽ€Panic Attacks
πŸŽ€ Broken Disc
πŸŽ€ Migraines
πŸŽ€ Food Allergies
πŸŽ€ Anemia

Just to name a few .
The chronic pain really gets me down on top of it all.
It makes it impossible for me to get through a day.

A lot of people don’t understand this . I don’t speak about my problems enough .
I get told I should get back to work, which I would love to, but they don’t get what my life is like .

Since I was 6 years old I have suffered with depression . This made me a school phobic .
I have social anxiety too .
I hate new circumstances. 
Meeting new people genuinely terrifies me.

Then, when I was 7 I was diagnosed with Osteomyelitis
— “Inflammation of bone or bone marrow, usually due to infection.”

I needed an operation but when I went for it they couldn’t find where it had gone .
The bone was hollow though so it had been there …. 
I have always been told I need to be extra careful as it’s still somewhere in my body , but they don’t know where. 
This has made my bones very weak.
And I bruise very easily.

Then came the panic attacks around age 9 .
I would get fits of anger too through these .
I had counselling for my whole school life . I had 5 different counsellors all in all .
They did nothing for me .

I went to work at age 16 .
I worked hard but my depression and anxiety got the best of me .
I went from job to job .
I got sacked from a few because I was always ill. 
I was known to collapse / faint .
People would say it was sugar levels but it was my blood / anemia . Which we found out only a year ago .
My iron levels were so low , I could have died at any point . And that’s no exaggeration!!

Between jobs I also went to college .
I studied Performing Arts for a year and passed with the highest grade .

During this time I thought I had broken my coccyx bone . I fell in the dance studio on the wooden floor .
The doctors told me I couldn’t have broken it and blamed my anxiety for years.
Recently, found out I have broken my disc in my back .

I then went on to theatre lighting and design for 3 years which I also passed with the highest grade .
I wouldn’t have passed it if it wasn’t for my tutor though . He is an incredible man and became like my best friend .

I was off for a few months due to illness .
I thought I had bowel cancer .
I was extremely ill.
I was able to work from home thanks to my tutor , while I was having tests and biopsies .
It turned out to be Ulcerative Colitis. 
I still don’t have it under control nearly 7 years on .
Not a day goes by without a flare up . Some are super bad and others are bareable .
This doesn’t help my anemia as I’m losing blood on a daily basis ( not nice I know but this is my life ) .

So whilst a lot of people are judging me because all they see is me smiling and very very rarely see me going out …. I’m going through hell .

When someone says I need a job . I can’t just brush it off .
More than anything I want to work .

I trained for a job that I have been dreaming about for as long as I can remember. 

But it is impossible for me to hold one down .

I have tried and tried and either end up having to leave or being sacked because I have too many sick days .

I don’t just sit around every day playing games or having a laugh .

Most days I can barely walk because of the chronic pain I am in .

The disc in my spine is leaning on the major nerve, causing pain in my spine , hips and knees .
My life is pretty difficult .

I am lost .
I want a future where I can work. 
But I can’t find a path to take ?

I have zero motivation because I barely sleep .
I’m exhausted . (It’s 5am now) .
I barely eat because of the pain .
I don’t leave the house because of it and the fact I have social anxiety. 

So what can I do? 

Even going to the doctors is terrifying for me . Let alone heading out to a job .

I’m currently attempting to write a book again .
I’m also painting as and when I can .
But it takes me about 3-6 months to finish one painting .
So it’s not like I’m not trying ….

My point to this blog, is that people really need to stop judging. 

I smile a lot, I do my best and I help people as and when I can .

I don’t talk to a lot of people about my problems because I know you have your own .

I don’t like being a burden .

But when people think I’m A ok and just lazy . It really annoys me .

I have fought a battle since age 6 .
It’s not something a child should do . 21 years on , I’m still fighting .
I don’t need judgemental people on my case on top of it all .
Life’s hard enough !!

There is one bit of credit I can give myself though , and others like me .
We are bloody strong .
Because , no matter how exhausted we are , we still keep fighting πŸ™‚

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