Nadolig / Christmas – A little downer

This year has been a horrible year for myself & family . There has been so much loss & not a lot of gain .
So to say I’ll be glad to see the end of 2015 is an understatement!

Christmas was quite a sad one for me . It’s the first Christmas without Ellie .
I found it extremely emotional & Christmas just wasn’t Christmas this year .
It’s usually my favourite day of the year ,but that was because of Ellie . I used to love spoiling her & seeing her tear open the gifts . She was so funny & cute . But this year , there was a massive void that couldn’t be filled .

So myself & my parents opened our gifts at 00:01 . Rob wouldn’t let me open mine from him until Christmas day . But I didn’t get up early , nor did it bother me that I had to wait .
I put a smile on & got on with it .

I was spoilt . I have everything I have wanted & am super thankful for it . Don’t get me wrong , I was amazed by how much I had . I’ve even managed to book my eyebrow tattoos for Feb 2016. Which I have wanted , & couldn’t afford for a while .

But the void really stuck out .
It was like a massive black hole in the centre of the room for me . Constantly reminding me how lonely I am now Ellie is at the rainbow bridge .
I don’t have my ‘baby sister’ to spoil . My best friend to tell all my secrets to (if Ellie could speak , I would have been in trouble !!)
I’m not good at talking to people , so I tend to hide my feelings & then just explode over stupid things .
But when Ellie was around , I had someone to talk to & help me take my mind off things . She kept me sane .

It’s been over 6 months & I do feel myself slipping …. Slowly , back into deeper depression .
I have asked for another dog but I’m either called silly or just told no .
It has really worn me down .

I have nothing to do except clean.
When Rob’s in work I’m on my own . He works 5 days a week & leaves for work at 7am & doesn’t get home until 5pm.
I don’t have any hobbies except collecting Pokémon cards.
Most of my friends live too far away / have a family / work or are ill.
I’m very lonely on a daily basis, which really doesn’t help my depression at all .

I’ve been given some bad news over the Christmas period too .
I need an urgent back operation as I’ve broken a disc in my spine .
I’ve been in agony for 10 years .
The doctors lost my first mri & then passed it off as anxiety pains .

So , due to this my back has gotten worse .
I had to ask for another mri . The first one I couldn’t make due to illness but the 2nd app I could & did .

So now I have been refered to a neuro . Although , I had to contact rheumatology to forward my results to my gp , to be told this .
Otherwise , I would have had to wait until Feb 19th to find out from them .

So , with that worry on my mind as well  , I have no one to talk to .
I would talk to Ellie about everything & she would help . It sounds silly , I know.  But she helped me through my dark times more than anyone could .

Rob doesn’t understand why I don’t talk to him about my feelings .
It’s nothing personal , I just can’t open up to people .
I can’t speak to my parents either .
I’ve always had a dog , since I was 6 . I’m just used to relying on them . Everytime , it’s helped .

All I found over the years , with people , is that they judge me / bully or bitch about me .
I can usually brush it off , if its pointless lies etc , but if it’s something that I have told them in confidence , it breaks me . I can’t handle that . So that’s why I have such high walls when it comes to me actually speaking to someone .

I’m really sorry this blog is a bit of a downer.  I’m just struggling right now & it’s hard to see the light .
I know I will get there , I have before . I just think that occasions like Christmas , really play on the heart strings & make you realise that money really can’t buy you happiness .

I am thankful for all that I have . But I cannot wait to say goodbye to 2015 .
I’m not saying next year will be better . I honestly couldn’t care less .
But I will take it a day at a time . I’m going to focus on me . (For once) .
I’m getting my eyebrows done on Feb 1st . Then I will be booking to get more of my sleeve done , and I aim to sort my health out with my operation .

If I manage to do all 3 , I’ll be happy .

I would say I’ll get a dog too , but every time I bring it up I get shot down or shouted at . So , I won’t get my hopes up lol

Anyway , I hope my readers have had a far better Christmas than me & I hope the new year treats you well !!

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A little positive from a big negative

Well I did it !! I managed to pull a lovely group of amazing people together & get them to donate dog & cat bits for Many Tears Animal Rescue in Llanelli 😀

I am overwhelmed by how much we have managed to pull together !! Honestly did not expect this 🙂
What was going to be a small hamper , has turned out to be something larger 😀

I am so happy !!

Considering this year started off rubbish , & it’s been getting worse & worse , I can see us ending it on a high with this donation to an amazing cause 🙂
Cannot wait to take this hamper in to them tomorrow .
We also managed to raise £22
which may not seem like much , but it will help them with food / blankets / etc .

I cannot thank everyone enough !!!!

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Time flies

Tomorrow I’ll be 27 years young !
It’s rather scary .
Not because I’ll be “old” but because time has flown by so quickly .
It only feels like yesterday that I was celebrating my 18th birthday.  I’ll never forget that party with my family 🙂 It was the best yet !

Friday , I am throwing a little birthday party for myself . I’m sure that will be just as good .

But time has seriously flown by !
This year has been awful . We started the year with illness and midway we lost 2 loved ones . It’s been heart breaking and testing at times .
My illnesses have gotten on top of me again and I have been fighting with myself constantly .
But there have been a few good bits in-between 🙂

It’s just hard , after having such a rough year , to focus on those positives . But that is why I am throwing a party . Close friends and family only . So we can make something good out of it .
We don’t see each other enough , life happens.  So bringing everyone together will mean a lot to me .

I owe my family and friends a lot ! So it feels right to be celebrating with them this year 🙂
To create good memories and to end the year on a good note 🙂

I will post an update about my birthday and the party on Friday and post all the positives that have happened 🙂 After all , it’s Christmas time , everyone should end the year on a high !  😄

Invisible Illnesses

A friend on a page I am a part of on Facebook, shared these images .
I feel they are spot on with describing each illness .
I thought I would share the with you 🙂

The OCD one really stuck with me though . I have OCD with washing my hands and drinking .
It’s stupid I know , but after touching something I have to wash my hands and scrub them 4 times . I can’t do odd numbers!!
With taking a sip of a drink , I am also the same . I have to swallow / sip a drink an even number of times .
I feel that if I do it an odd number of times , that something bad will happen . I don’t know what , but I don’t want to risk it .
I also do it when I touch something . All my fingers would have had to touch it , and my thumb .

I’ve never really spoken about it as I thought I was just going mental . But reading about it , I’m not alone 🙂
I do think I need to talk to my doctor about it though . My hands are really sore as I have eczema on them and they dry out and bleed a lot .
I will see to it next week 🙂

For now , I will leave you with these 🙂

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Santa Paws….

It’s been 6 months to the day that Ellie passed away.
It’s been hard , yet time has flown past at the same time.
One minute it was summer and now it’s Christmas.
I don’t get the luxury of spoiling Ellie with treats and toys this year. This makes me super sad as I would look forward to it every year. The sight of seeing Ellie’s excited face, tearing open those gifts and then running around to show everyone. She made my Christmas special for the past 10 years !!
Nothing could ever replace that ….

So this year I’m doing something different and in her memory. I’m making up a hamper for all the animals at Many Tears Animal Rescue in Llanelli.
I want to give something to those animals who haven’t yet found their forever homes 🙂

I have asked others to get involved too and so many have responded.
I have had 2 people donate things for a raffle, and so far 10 people are donating towards the hamper!!

It’s an incredible response and I’m so overwhelmed by it all.
I can’t wait to go to Many Tears and make those animals lives a little bit better for a day 🙂 To show them that they are thought of and loved by many.
And hopefully , donate a little bit of money from the raffle too 🙂