The lack

Sorry for the lack of blogs.
Since losing my Ellie I have felt broken . My best friend died and I lost a big piece of my heart .
She helped me through my daily struggles and I relied on her so much !
I never took it for granted though .

She was my cheeky monkey . My 10 year old baby .

Every pay day I would buy her sweets . She knew when I was paid . I’m not paid regular . It’s every few weeks , but Ellie would know . And God help me if I hadn’t got the sweets , she would Poody  until I promised to get them the next day .

Ellie would listen to me talk for hours . She’d sit with me .
We’d cuddle and chat and sometimes cry . She would dig her head right in to me as if to say, “you’ll be ok” .
She would never judge and always help .
She was my rock .

We had to put her down as she lost all feeling in her front legs . I stayed with her until the end as I had promised her I always would .
When she had her womb removed I stayed. She fell asleep on my lap and I waited until they were ready for the op before I left her . I was even invited in but I was too scared to .
We nearly lost her then , but Rob , the vet remembered me crying when holding her and he fought for her longer than most and managed to save her .

She helped me and I helped her .

When the vet injected her for our final goodbyes . Even though my Dad was there , she looked at me . I held her and told her I loved her more than life itself .
She passed before even half the dose went in . They had to carry on , but I knew . And the vet said she must have just been holding on for us .

We were telling her to fight . That we could get through it . And I think she was trying . For us .
But I feel so guilty because we had to “give up” .
We had no other options .
We had paid out over £600 in vets bills . We had tried everything possible . But there was nothing left to do for my baby . Even the 2 lovely vets said so .

I miss her so much !!
I wake up every day , crying !
I can’t listen to music without thinking about her .
I can’t enjoy anything anymore .
The house just feels like an empty shell  . It’s cold and I hate it .

We collected Ellie’s ashes on Tuesday . I felt a bit more at peace having her home . I thought maybe the void would fill . But it hasn’t .
I’m lost without her .
I have no one to talk to and help me through every day . She was the only one who listened and never judged me .

My fiancé lost his grandmother to cancer and that brought back so many memories of my Mamgu and when we lost her . It’s effected me badly . I try to stay strong for Rob . I really do ! But Ellie was my rock throughout all of this and now I’m just empty .
I love Rob , don’t get me wrong . I do my best for him .
I just can’t seem to do it alone .
Ellie would help me vent so I could be strong for Rob .

I honestly , don’t know what to do anymore.

I hate waking up and crying and having to hide in my room so I don’t upset my parents again .
I hate having to say “I’m alright” , when I’m not . I’m broken and it hurts !!

I am thankful for the 10 loving years I had with Ellie . I honestly don’t think I would be here without her .

She helped me through one of the hardest times most recently .
My brothers wedding .
His wife doesn’t like me so said I wasn’t invited . He didn’t even fight for me .
So I stayed home and looked after Ellie .
My whole family went to Liverpool and left me on my own …. But Ellie got me through it .
My family didn’t know I wasn’t invited as my Mam asked me not to say . They all wouldn’t have gone .
But I kept having really bad panic attacks to the point I couldn’t breathe . Rob was in work . And I couldn’t phone anyone for help as they had work or appointments . I only had Ellie . But she got me through it all .
She stayed by me .
Ellie was ill then and kept falling over . I have possible spondylitis in my spine but I picked her up and helped her because that’s what she did for me .
I struggled . But I didn’t care . I got that extra time alone with my Ellie . So despite my brothers wife being horrible as usual . I got something out of it . I got my personal time with my loving best friend . I got extra time and I was happy when I was with her for those few days .

She got me through everything I thought I wouldn’t survive .
I have so much to thank her for .

Run free Ellie
I’ll see you at the rainbow bridge one day 🙂 💜💙💛💚

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