Carmarthen day out

Carmarthen old town festival was fantastic !
So much talent !

There was everything for everyone . Poetry , stories , acoustic acts , punk bands , ska bands etc etc (Yes , Rob’s band played & were fantastic!!)
It was lovely to see so many people come together and support the local talent πŸ™‚

Throughout the town there were musicians & other shows going on .

I really enjoyed the small car show in the town centre . The pink cadillac was my fave though …. I need one πŸ˜‰

We were in Carmarthen for 12 hours in total & it was fantastic!!

Feeling it today though . Lots of knee , hip & back pain . But it was lovely to get out for some air & to catch up with good friends πŸ™‚
We’ve also made plans to go for a meal soon & to see each other more !!
This makes me happy

So all in all , I’ve had a good weekend . Just wish time wouldn’t fly so quickly . Rob goes back to work tomorrow 😦 Boo !! Lol

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              (Band photos to follow)

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A lot can happen in 24 hours

Over the last 24 hours I have been told that a so called friend has been finding my illness pretty entertaining .
She reads my blogs every time I post & then goes & reports back to my brothers wife about the whole thing . They both have a good giggle & a bitch .
Which is lovely when you think about what my posts are about .

– Anxiety
– Depression
– Battles
– And loss

Now most people would shy away when this happens . It’s a natural reaction when battling with mental health .

But I won’t . Why ?
Because I’m stronger than I give myself credit for .
I have had amazing feedback from my followers (Thank you) and my posts have helped quite a few in so many ways (My personal Facebook page has proved this)
So out of hundreds of you beautiful people ,Β  Why should I let 2 silly little , cruel , children , bully me out of something I love doing & something which is making a difference?Β 

What do they do to make a difference every day ?
Nothing !

I’m not just saying that because I’m trying to look good . I just seriously cannot think of one single thing they do to try and make a difference.Β  To try & help others …

I won’t let this pull me down nor will I feel bad over it .
I have the names & I have the proof . I have blocked them on my personal pages & I will never see them again as when we move , they will never be invited to our home .

So for those of you who also get this with your blogging . Don’t let narrow minded idiots ruin your good deeds . Don’t let anyone bring you down .
You’re a good person & you are making a difference πŸ™‚
Stay strong , stand tall & keep moving forward .
It’s them who Karma will boot up the ass one day . Not you πŸ™‚
💜💙💛💚

Freedom of feeling

So apparently , through speaking about my feelings of hurt & pain . It effects people who have wronged me .
People spying on my accounts after they made it clear they want nothing to do with me .

I suffer with anxiety and depression severely & speaking is part of healing .
All I do is speak the truth . I don’t speak about anything else .
I don’t see why lying about feeling ok will help me recover . Will help me over come my illness .

I admit I don’t hold back . Because holding back won’t help me .
Locking up feelings doesn’t help anyone .
I did that for 17 years and look where it’s got me !
On medication and going through mental health groups .
Suffering in silence isn’t the way to go . But yet I’m always told to not talk about it . That people only read my posts to hold things against me . To laugh at me and to use it as ammo as and when they like .

The thing is , the stigma against mental health is awful .
Freedom of speech is taken away so easily .
Why should I put myself back to the old me . The quiet me who would plan on ending my life . The weak me who would sit there and think of easy ways out of all this .
I have come so far just by talking about my feelings .
I had one set back this year which knocked me for six and left me feeling alone . I was empty .
I had one thing keeping me going . My Ellie . And now I don’t have her anymore .

My man helps when he can but he’s working a lot and he can’t be here all the time . Which is fine , I am very proud of him !

But when you feel alone it is awful . The worst part of mental health . And then to have people judge you and push you even further into the darkness . The void which swollows you up whole and makes you suffocate .
Is that right ?
Should I stop talking about the truth ?
Should I please everyone and live a miserable existence just to never hear them put me down because they will never understand ?

So to that person passing malicious lies on about me . I see everyone who views my blogs . And as I have blocked everyone who I thought would wrong me . This means you are under a fake account , which is against the law .
So when I figure out who’s IP address comes from the address given . I will report you . You have been warned .

The lack

Sorry for the lack of blogs.
Since losing my Ellie I have felt broken . My best friend died and I lost a big piece of my heart .
She helped me through my daily struggles and I relied on her so much !
I never took it for granted though .

She was my cheeky monkey . My 10 year old baby .

Every pay day I would buy her sweets . She knew when I was paid . I’m not paid regular . It’s every few weeks , but Ellie would know . And God help me if I hadn’t got the sweets , she would Poody  until I promised to get them the next day .

Ellie would listen to me talk for hours . She’d sit with me .
We’d cuddle and chat and sometimes cry . She would dig her head right in to me as if to say, “you’ll be ok” .
She would never judge and always help .
She was my rock .

We had to put her down as she lost all feeling in her front legs . I stayed with her until the end as I had promised her I always would .
When she had her womb removed I stayed. She fell asleep on my lap and I waited until they were ready for the op before I left her . I was even invited in but I was too scared to .
We nearly lost her then , but Rob , the vet remembered me crying when holding her and he fought for her longer than most and managed to save her .

She helped me and I helped her .

When the vet injected her for our final goodbyes . Even though my Dad was there , she looked at me . I held her and told her I loved her more than life itself .
She passed before even half the dose went in . They had to carry on , but I knew . And the vet said she must have just been holding on for us .

We were telling her to fight . That we could get through it . And I think she was trying . For us .
But I feel so guilty because we had to “give up” .
We had no other options .
We had paid out over Β£600 in vets bills . We had tried everything possible . But there was nothing left to do for my baby . Even the 2 lovely vets said so .

I miss her so much !!
I wake up every day , crying !
I can’t listen to music without thinking about her .
I can’t enjoy anything anymore .
The house just feels like an empty shell  . It’s cold and I hate it .

We collected Ellie’s ashes on Tuesday . I felt a bit more at peace having her home . I thought maybe the void would fill . But it hasn’t .
I’m lost without her .
I have no one to talk to and help me through every day . She was the only one who listened and never judged me .

My fiancΓ© lost his grandmother to cancer and that brought back so many memories of my Mamgu and when we lost her . It’s effected me badly . I try to stay strong for Rob . I really do ! But Ellie was my rock throughout all of this and now I’m just empty .
I love Rob , don’t get me wrong . I do my best for him .
I just can’t seem to do it alone .
Ellie would help me vent so I could be strong for Rob .

I honestly , don’t know what to do anymore.

I hate waking up and crying and having to hide in my room so I don’t upset my parents again .
I hate having to say “I’m alright” , when I’m not . I’m broken and it hurts !!

I am thankful for the 10 loving years I had with Ellie . I honestly don’t think I would be here without her .

She helped me through one of the hardest times most recently .
My brothers wedding .
His wife doesn’t like me so said I wasn’t invited . He didn’t even fight for me .
So I stayed home and looked after Ellie .
My whole family went to Liverpool and left me on my own …. But Ellie got me through it .
My family didn’t know I wasn’t invited as my Mam asked me not to say . They all wouldn’t have gone .
But I kept having really bad panic attacks to the point I couldn’t breathe . Rob was in work . And I couldn’t phone anyone for help as they had work or appointments . I only had Ellie . But she got me through it all .
She stayed by me .
Ellie was ill then and kept falling over . I have possible spondylitis in my spine but I picked her up and helped her because that’s what she did for me .
I struggled . But I didn’t care . I got that extra time alone with my Ellie . So despite my brothers wife being horrible as usual . I got something out of it . I got my personal time with my loving best friend . I got extra time and I was happy when I was with her for those few days .

She got me through everything I thought I wouldn’t survive .
I have so much to thank her for .

Run free Ellie
I’ll see you at the rainbow bridge one day πŸ™‚ 💜💙💛💚

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Help Lenny Walk Again by Victoria Plum March – GoFundMe

http://www.gofundme.com/vw8ykk

The past few weeks have been super hard .
I lost my best friend !

Ellie helped me through a lot including my darker days with my depression .
I lost a piece of my heart when we had to say goodbye . We tried everything and spent over Β£600 trying to keep her going pain free . Sadly we lost the battle πŸ˜₯

But Lenny has a fighting chance !!
He has a loving , supportive family and friends !
Sadly, they don’t have the Β£5000 they need to get the help he deserves . So they are reaching out for help .

Please help Lenny reach his goal . Please help them keep their best friend 💜

Just Β£1 goes a long way πŸ™‚

I will keep donating every chance I get .

If you can’t donate then please share the link on and help encourage others to πŸ™‚

Thank you

http://www.gofundme.com/vw8ykk