A little me time

So after going through some stressful house hunting months , I have decided to spoil myself and make myself feel better .

I have ordered some teatox to kick start a diet .

I am cutting out a lot of rubbish foods .

I have ordered some nice natural shampoos and conditioners to treat my hair and make me feel good .

I am going to be booking a hair app to sort my tangled mess out .

I have ordered a ‘Pocahontas Animator Doll’ to add to my collection of models …. They make me happy .

And I have bought a coffee machine as I can’t function without my morning coffee and I have been after one for AGES !!

I hate spending money on myself, usually. 
Even my birthday money goes on Christmas presents for others because I love to spoil people . 
But I think it’s about time I treated myself 🙂
I need to feel good !
After weighing myself this morning and having a shock on the scales, I want to feel good about myself …. I know the coffee machine won’t help much there but it’s a treat 😛 

Have any of you tried the Teatox diet ? 
I am VERY tempted to do a video diary once I start …. I will put up my starting weight & clothes size & talk everyone through what I do , how I feel etc ? 
What do you guys think ? Will it be worth me doing it ?
I know dieting can help with depression too …. If it’s done right ?

I also have a wedding to go to in August and I want to look good for my friends sakes ! 
I hate being the chubby one in the corner of photos , trying to hide my tummy but showing off my double chin . 
I want to be smiling because I am 100% happy , not because I have to smile for everyone else . I want to feel good about me and it’s been quite a few years since I have felt this way . 
I have accepted the fact that my illness is life long , I can’t do much about that . But I can do something about my weight and my looks , and I’m not going to sit back and just let it go 🙂 I am going to try ! 😀 

If anyone has any advice , please feel free to let me know …. What’s the best diet ? What would you like to see in my video diary ? Would you like me to do other diaries to go with my blogs ? 

I’d love to hear some feedback off you ! 
My blogs are here to help me vent and get advice , but I’d also like to think I help others out . Even if it’s 1 in a thousand …. I’d like to think I am doing some good 🙂 
So please, feel free to get in touch 🙂 

❤ 

I made it out :O

As you all know, I go through a great struggle daily and rarely ever go out anymore.

Well, my fiancé had his first gig a few weekends ago and I attended it 😀

I didn’t go with anyone except him so when he was going on stage I was a little terrified of being left alone.
But I kept my cool, pulled myself out of the situation, and before I could over react…. Rob’s friend’s showed up and kept me company 🙂
Matt, the guitarist, had his family show up too and his lovely father bought myself and Rob a drink.
This really helped me!!
I had company and supportive people surrounding me and I felt amazing.
Not only had I made it out, but I avoided, what could have been, a major panic attack !!

It may not be a huge thing to a lot of you who read this, but to me it is MASSIVE!!

I get panicky leaving my house to just go to my car, which is parked outside the gate.
I have to sit there for a good 5 mins before I pull away, just to get my head together.
Once I am driving I am ok. But that is what I am dealing with.
If it wasn’t for the car, I would never get out. Even though I rarely go anywhere and it only costs me £40 a month to fuel up.
It’s still a life saver.

So this gig, for me, was HUGE !!

But I did it, and I feel absolutely amazing !!
Don’t get me wrong, I slept like a baby for a few days afterwards and I slept most of the days away because of how stressful it is on my body. But I still did it !!

I also took some photos …. Which I would like to share 🙂

I’m not a pro with cameras and these were just taken on my phone. But I am quite proud of myself for doing this!

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Through the high comes the low

So I realise I haven’t blogged in some time. Life has been a little hectic. 

My Dad is making a great recovery and has started his gym sessions at the hospital 🙂
He’s enjoying them but they are tiring for him . But it’s been great to see him getting back to normality !

We have had some sad news though which has really hit him.
He made a friend when in hospital called Martin.
He was 44 years old.
Sadly, he couldn’t have his operation the same time as Dad because he had a chest infection.
However, Martin was called back a few months after and he had the operation.
He phoned Dad before going in, making plans to visit in the summer and to bring his motorbike down for Dad to see.
He was feeling so 
great about the operation because Dad had come out feeling great.
Sadly, Martin passed away on the operating table 😦
It knocked Dad for six.
It hit him because he was told every one in so many could pass away. And Dad made it . But Martin didn’t and he was so young ! He’s the same age as my oldest brother.

Mam & Dad both attended the funeral.
It turns out Martin was a very much loved man.
Over 200 people attended !!
He was very kind and always donating to charity. 

Dad has been a little depressed since the operation, but with this on top he has been up and down. 

I can’t blame him. The shock of someone so young passing is one thing , but someone who has gone through what you have and hasn’t made it like you . We’ll that’s totally different.

It really does make you think about life. About what we are missing because of damned mental illness.
But it doesn’t take much to be kind.
So I have been looking into charities and looking at ways I can help.
I know I can’t physically do much, but I could donate bits now and again or help advertise events VIA Facebook/Twitter etc 🙂
If this amazing man could do it, when he was suffering with a bad heart. I’m sure I could make a small difference from behind a computer screen. 

So that’s one little update. It is of the low side that I have been through with family, sadly. But I do have more to come in a little while. Which will be much happier.

A little thought :)

So I had some alone time today and my mind was ticking over, as usual.

It made me think about my mental illness.
I get tired really easily these days. Whether I’ve been out or not. I tend to need to sleep for 2 and a half hours in the afternoon.
I know I’m not alone in this, but I was thinking about how people will react. I get called lazy a lot . Told I need to get out more and exercise . But neither is the case . Honestly, I just need 2.5 hours worth of sleep.
Unlike those without mental illness, I need extra sleep. I need 8 hours a night to function properly and I need the extra 2.5 later on to keep going. 

I don’t know why people find that hard to understand though ??
They accept that I’m ill. They constantly say I keep bringing it up, like it’s a chore for them to hear it. But they can’t accept that being ill means I need extra bits along with it. A nap isn’t anything to anyone else. Eating less isn’t etc etc . But they always make it sound like it is.

What people really need to do is sit back , accept it , and let me do what I have to do . My body knows what it needs and recently, I have started listening . It is helping . Yes, I am getting bad days, but the good days are actually good !!

I think people really need to learn how to handle mental illness better.
More need to be open about it but for that to happen, we need people to be more accepting and understanding of it too 🙂

We just need simple little things like:

– Someone willing to listen from time to time / For someone to do their best to understand
– A hug
– To know we aren’t alone in all of this
– Someone to show that we matter

– To know that we aren’t going crazy at times , to know depression is real and it’s not all “in our heads”
– To know there is hope
– For someone to let us know we CAN survive this
– To know that we won’t drive people away. That they aren’t going to abandon us
– ‘I love you’ goes a long way, but only if you mean it
– A nice little saying that can go a long way, 
“I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain. I am not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself, so you don’t need to worry that your pain might hurt me.”

It’s little steps like this that will help us make mental illness a thing of the past 🙂 
More caring and understanding people 🙂 

No one wants to be ill . We don’t wake up and say “Oh I know, I want to be really depression and feel crappy and bring others down with us”. It isn’t a choice . We wish it was !! That way we could feel “normal” and get a job , clean our houses , look after ourselves . Doll up . etc etc . But sadly , mental illness is a war . Forever being fought and rarely won . It creeps back slowly over time and sometimes it can be worse than ever . We can feel like we are dying . We do “over-react” . But all we need is for someone to care. And we can conquer anything . 

So please , if you know someone suffering . Be there for them 🙂 
Curl up under a blanket watch tv / movies . Fall asleep for a few hours with them . Make them food . Talk . Hug . Love . 
It can go a LONG way . And it’s very minimal effort to just ask how they are and to listen . You honestly DON’T have to say anything to them . Just knowing someone is here for you, works.

Good days

So , I have had a rough few days as stated in my previous blog .
Yesterday , I was a little meh but my man made it all ok 🙂

I woke up to coffee and food with munch .
Then went to his first gig (in 2 years)
I didn’t want to go due to panic attacks but so glad I did !!
I was surrounded by friends and really lovely people 🙂
I got compliments as I’ve lost weight and styled my hair 🙂
Without sounding vein , it was really what I needed .
I have no confidence in myself at all . I always feel fat and ugly . Even though Rob tells me I’m beautiful and look lovely , he’s my man ,it’s his job 😉 haha !
But last night , it was just what the Dr ordered 🙂
I had a few drinks and had a dance …. ON MY OWN !
Not flat out but a little wobble on the floor haha
Then Rob came off stage after playing an amazing set with his awesome band , we played pub quizes on the machines and stood out the way woth good friends . Crackin’ jokes and just laughing !
He then treated me to a take away and junk food from Tesco !
Today , I am feeling 100% better 🙂

Don’t get me wrong , last night was mentally hard for me , I pushed myself more than ever . But it paid off and I would recommend it to anyone who is willing to give it a shot 😀

I also had compliments online today about my photography . I took all photos with my phone & edited them with Linecamera …. Nothing professional , but I am tempted to do it more now 🙂

Talking about professional …. I was allowed to play with the lighting desk last night too and have been told I can do lighting there whenever I like 🙂
Sadly , as I know I’m not reliable , I can’t take the offer up . But maybe , at future gigs with Rob’s band , I could have a play about 🙂
A step at a time , but it’s something to aim for 😀

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‘I just can’t be happy today’

Mentally, I’m not coping very well .
I have a lot going on right now and I have run out of Citalopram . 
There’s a 2 week waiting list with my Doctors so not like I can get any soon .
I feel like I need CBT with Alun again as he’d help me in these situations .
I feel like I’m not good enough a lot of the time and that people are putting me down .
Infact , I know a few are b!tching behind my back . I can’t cope with this as all I ever do is try to make people happy , even if that means me being miserable , I will do all that I can to help others .
No one meets me half way and I don’t really mind , so long as they’re happy . But when you hear people putting you down , it really effects you .

I have anger issues , where I will lash out when pushed too far . It has come to the point where I am trying to control myself and I am feeling sick and shaking . I am crying but not through being upset but through being so angry !

I don’t know what to do or where to turn . I feel lost , underapriceated , taken for granted and like dirt .

This is the reason why I never truly open up , people just prove that they’re fake and nasty .

Not just that , friends of mine are going through hell too and I have them coming to me . People are putting them down and making them feel like utter crap . Rather than admit they are wrong with what they have done , they will make my friends lives hell and stir online with everyone . Making others choose sides and causing tention etc etc
It’s boiling my blood and I can’t stand it much more . But if I say anything I will be made out to be the b!tch again .

I will never undedstand horrible people to be honest . But I wish they would all get the hell out of my life .

I feel like I can’t breathe because my screams are sufforcating me .

This is def’ depression again . But this is with others bringing it on this time and not me and my messed up head .
I feel like I’m going to explode …. But when I do , a lot of people won’t like it 😦

I don’t like upsetting people , but being a b!tch isn’t a good way of life .