You are not alone ♡

So I spoke to my friend today .
I haven’t spoken to him in a few weeks due to being ill and trying to sort bits out . But I feel really crappy because I found out he tried to kill himself .

He has been suffering with depression for a while now but he lives too far away for me to help him in person . However , I do try to be there for him via phone / online .

I just thought “no news is good news” . But I was wrong .
He is ok , he’s getting help but it made me think 😦

I tried to take my own life , first when I was 10 and I couldn’t go through with it . Then when I was 19 and most recent was 2.5 years ago due to medication .
That feeling is awful ! And I hate to think of anyone out there going through it alone 😦

The thing is , I’m not the strongest person . I’m weak and I give in to most of my depressed feelings , but I got through it ! I got through the wanting to die bit 3 times in my 26 years . If I can do it , anyone can !
I just wish there was a way I could help . Like fly all over the world and help every single person on the edge .
Sadly I can’t and this is the best I can do :/ Blog !

I know times can get tough , I know that the option of dying can seem amazing compared to waking up and feeling low day in day out, and feeling a burden on family and friends .
But honestly , if you did end it all , it would hurt people you love so badly . It can destroy their lives and honestly , that is the most selfish thing you could do .
I know it doesn’t seem that way at the time , that you think they’ll “get over it” . But trust me , they won’t .
I spoke to my parents about killing myself the last time I felt that way , and I saw how terrified they looked that they could lose me . I could never put them through that again .

Speaking out does help though ! Even if you just scream it out at someone . They will understand and they will support you 🙂
The worse thing you can do is keep it to yourself .

So please , if you do feel this way , reach out and let people know so they can help you 🙂
You’re not alone ! ♡

Meh-o-tivation

Hey all !
Sorry for the lack of blogging this week , I have been so ill with this virus rubbish ! I haven’t felt up to much at all .
It’s been crap !

I have noticed something though …. This past week all I’ve done is think think think .

I used to love getting up around 11am (Never been an actual morning person)
Getting washed , dressed etc etc . I had a routine so I would be ready within 45 mins and down stairs having a cup of coffee .
I used to sing to some music on Youtube , have a spring in my step and be away .
I had hobbies and used to go out .

Where has the motivation gone ?
I have accepted the fact that I will never have that life back as too much has changed . But I never noticed the motivation to do things .
I love art , but I barely do much anymore .
I love science , but all I do is read bits on Facebook pages .
I love reading , but haven’t finished my last two books on TMI .
I have no motivation at all .
I wake up to good music every day as that’s what I have for my alarms . But I’m happy to switch them off and I rarely sing along any more .

I just feel like there’s a missing piece .

I love the thought of getting back into all of the above . But I honestly don’t know how :/

I am getting a sleeve tattoo next week , I am really looking forward to it . But I have no interest in designing it . My tattooist is brilliant and I have left it all up to him . He knows what I want 🙂
But years ago I would have gone to the tattooist with a design :/

My friend has also given me the responsibility of designing save the date cards for their wedding .
I have drawn up a few scribbles to what I am going to do . But once again , years back , I would have done the main design by now and would be going over what needs tweaking :/

Does anyone else have these same problems ?
Like a “meh” feeling to motivation ?
Is there a way around it ? Is it a side effect to medications ?

Any info would be fab 🙂

Thanks for taking the time out to give this a read !! ♡

Some random lil ‘get to know me’ bits :)

Ok, so I have literally just realised that I haven’t really introduced myself to you guys on here . I just started blogging and ranting away and you know nothing about me as a person . Except the bad bits . 

So I thought I’d take this opportunity to write a few bits down about me 🙂 I apologise if some are random but this is what I’m like lol

I am 26 years old. A December baby !
I have 2 older brothers.
I have 2 Nieces who I love dearly.
I am engaged.
I’m known as Lola, although that is not my real name 🙂
I love dogs, science, history, astronomy, reading, art, tattoos and piercings.
I currently have 7 tattoos and am booked in to have a sleeve tattoo done in March, and I have 9 piercings.
I adore Disney.
My favourite colour is Purple & my second fave is Green.
I have a car with a Transformers badge on it.
Although I love to dress up from time to time, I don’t wear the most feminine clothing. I love mens trainers and hoodies.
I draw my eyebrows on and have done for 8 years.
My hair is naturally black but I love to dye it all sorts of colours.
Not many people know this but I love acting. I have been in plays ever since I can remember. My dream was to become famous via acting but I never got the opportunity and I have always doubted myself. I settled for stage lighting and went to college to study it for 3 years, although I did Performing arts for a year previous and also did stage lighting in with that. I went on to University but dropped out as it wasn’t what I wanted to do. My illnesses got on top of me.
I would love to act on screen!!
I am a nerd. I love all sorts of things. I play Xbox, Wii U and PC games. I collect models. Read Manga’s. Watch Anime. I even paint fantasy things. I was addicted to WoW & SWTOR for many years.
90’s TV was the best!
I only eat one meal a day.
My fave food is pizza.
My fave non alcoholic drink is milk.
My fave alcoholic drink has to be Penderyn but if I can’t get that I will settle for JD honey and Pepsi.
I do enjoy wine but it has to be fruity.
I am vegetarian and have been since I was 12. I am the only veggie in my whole family!
I’m a HUGE softie when it comes to children and animals.
I have always wanted a big family! 8 children would be perfect in my opinion 😛

I’m well known for always smiling. I have a big smile and dark eyes and apparently they stand out a mile 😀
I am a VERY chatty person once I get to know someone, although until then I am very quiet. I’m also a good judge of character, I don’t trust people easily and I’m extremely, rarely, ever wrong about 
someone.
I have more male friends than female …. Less drama!
My perfect idea for a date is a walk on the beach with a big pack of chips and camping under the stars (never happened).
I am Welsh and although I love Wales, I don’t want to be here for the rest of my life.
I believe in love at first sight.

Yes, I’m the typical romantic. I believe in the basics. Money doesn’t bother me. I’d rather live in a council house than a castle. I love my Clio and would never exchange it for a Ferrari .

If I ever came in to money / became famous, I would put my hard work and money towards helping those with mental illness.

Blogging is hard for me and I take the risk of people kicking off and having a go , every day . But I do it because of the good feedback I get 🙂
I love helping people. I always think that a little bit of kindness goes a long way. Kindness doesn’t cost a thing and there’s no effort required 🙂 There should be more in the world.
And no I’m not a hippy 😛 But I do love free hugs xD Lol !!

Well there’s a little bit about me. I’m not that interesting as you can see, but I try to do what I can to change the world and make it a kinder place 🙂

Anyways, thanks for taking the time out to read this 🙂
I will post more soon! ❤ 

Today was canceled

So today was poop !
Woke up feeling yucky , this stupid head cold / virus has decided to set in . My fiancé was ill last night too and had to take time off work today because of it . He’s NEVER ill.

So this resulted in me having to cancel on Jess 😦
I feel super bad about it, but she is lovely and understands !
Our next catch up will be after her holiday in about a weeks time 😀 I can’t wait to hear all the gossip and what it’s like out there 😀

On another note , I have taken up peeler beads lol
Making art form little beads that you fuse together by ironing them 😀 It’s fun …. But I’ve run out of the colours I need to complete my logo lol So will be ordering more on Friday after putting money down for my tattoo.

I’m super excited about that too. March 3rd I’m getting a full sleeve tattoo ! Jess’ boyfriend is doing it . He is amazing !! So I’m really looking forward to seeing his designs etc 😀 

So despite being ill…. I have got a few things to keep me occupied whilst resting and something to look forward to 🙂 

I’m determined to not let this virus make me feel bad . I look bad enough with it , I don’t want to feel any worse than that ! I will attempt to keep smiling xD 

Coffee date ! Challenge #3

So today I went to Carmarthen , on my own . With a Satnav to help me find a friends house .
I was bricking it to start . Shaking , feeling nervous / sicky . Bad thoughts . All the what if’s / buts & maybe’s .

Then I got in the car & just drove !
Before I knew it , I was there . Parked outside & feeling good !

I went to a friends house , on my own , 30 min drive from my house / comfort zone . I stayed there for 4 hours , jawing away . We spoke about lots & most was random but it was great ! One convo led to another 🙂
It was so nice having my old friend back 🙂

It slowly does feel like I’m getting my life back .
No panic attacks , well not today , just smiles & giggles & coffee 😀

It’s been great & I hope to do it again soon .

I highly recommend this to anyone who is like me . Anxiety sucks ! But if you can push past it , just for a few hours , it really is worth it !

I have another coffee date tomorrow with another girl friend so will post up how that goes .

Wednesday , I am having a lazy day though …. I know I will be exhausted after these coffee dates . It does mentally drain you , but it is nice to get some air and to rant about random crap and laugh !
Laughter is key when you are low . It really does make you feel so much better 🙂

Thank you Jade for today !!

Challenge #2

Yay !!
I did it 😀
I drove to Burry Port , crossed the bridge at the train station , called into my friends work ,  met my friend , sat in a café I have never been to before , had a catch up for two hours & came home , battled my way through awful traffic on the way . And I’m alive and feeling great 😀

I admit , I was having doubts and my head went all fuzzy . I imagined all of the bad stuff , what if I get mugged / attacked etc etc . I fought back against it and , even though I am mentally exhausted , I did it !!
I feel amazing through doing it and I’m doing it again next week 😀

I’m not saying there won’t be a day where I won’t be ringing my friend going “could you come meet me instead” because , let’s face it , it could happen ! But I know when that day comes she will be understanding and want to help . I know she won’t put any pressure on me . And that’s what’s great about these coffee dates 🙂 No pressure & I feel great afterwards !
I also get to chat and catch up with my friend 😀 😀

She’s going away soon on holiday !! Soooooooo lucky & yes I am jealous !! But I can’t wait to hear all the gossip and news about what it was like & who went where etc ^_^
She deserves a break & her hard working boyfriend does too …. Wish I could go instead of him though 😛
I may try and sneak into their luggage …. Free holiday ! Haha xD

Another Challenge

So tomorrow I am meeting a friend for coffee in the afternoon . Instead of her coming to me , I have said I will go to her 🙂
So tomorrow I will be driving to Burry Port (about 10-15 min drive away) on my own to meet her at work . Then we’ll head over to a café 🙂

It’s a big challenge for me ! Leaving my car and walking on my own . It’s not far but it’s out of my comfort zone (home) .
I want to do this ! To prove to myself that I can mainly .
I know if I asked her to meet me at my car she would , as she understands . But I don’t want to rely on people like that for the rest of my life 🙂
So this is a small step in the right direction 🙂 Ok it’s a huge mental step in the right direction lol . But I can do this 🙂

I will blog about it afterwards and let you all know how it goes !