Still next to no sleep

So, I’m at Rob’s …. Like every weekend…. Thought I would sleep like a baby as I usually do here . Nope !
I didn’t sleep much at all and I’m exhausted (-.-)
It’s starting to get to me now . I’ve tried everything !
Going to bed early
Staying off games consoles , phone etc etc
Breathing techniques
Soft music

….

Nothing is working and I have no idea why :/

Anyone else have this problem ?

Head’s in the shed (again)

Well , I didn’t make town today . Not exactly by choice .
I didn’t sleep until 7am and I’m truly exhausted !!

Also woke up to some really bad news . My old History and R.E teacher who was also a family friend and someone I held close , has passed away .
I rarely saw him these days but he was never far from my thoughts .
Mr Evans Mod 🙂
I was bullied extremely badly in my first school . He was the only one who helped me .
I had counselling but it never worked .
I couldn’t sit exams in the hall with everyone else because it would petrify me , but Mr Evans insisted I could do them in his room . He would help me though haha ! Tell me stories about the questions I couldn’t answer …. Which would have the answers in 😉
He would take me out of class if he was ever walking by and saw a kid bullying me .
He would let me know that everything will be alright .
He even knew I was smoking and would let me smoke his pipe in his office lol .
He made me fall in love with History and thanks to him I was a top student all the way through my first and second school !

Mr Evans never put himself first . He helped so many people !
Such a kind and loving man .
I will miss him dearly ♡

This world has lost a legend ♡

All my love goes out to his family ♡

I now have a Facebook page too

Ok so I have decided to reach out again and start up a Facebook page …. Scary !!

I am having such positive feedback from all of you lovely people and you are helping me SO SO much throughout all of this !! That I though I would try and spread the word . To help people know that it’s ok to talk about mental illness and to show them that they aren’t alone !!

Please feel free to like the page and post 🙂 

Advertise your pages / blogs too as I enjoy reading them , they really do help !!

Please help me spread the word ❤

https://www.facebook.com/thatlolagirl

A little low this week

So this week has been a tough one.

Once again, depression has creeped up on me and hit me with a

bang2 

For no reason ….

I have been lazy all week . Not wanting to get out of bed because I haven’t slept well . But even when I do sleep well I wake up exhausted and not wanting to move .

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I seem to wake up all sticky eyed and meh (sexy I know) !

I haven’t showered in a few days because I just couldn’t be bothered (typical with my depression).

My Dad has tried to get me out a few times , offering to take me to town shopping or to go to Tesco for Pokémon cards . But I just don’t want to be around people …. I like the inside of my bedroom too much, at least here I don’t have to do anything that I don’t want to , or hear people commenting on others thinking they’re funny ….

Mam and Dad are dragging me to town tomorrow though, so I have to be up and showered and dressed in the morning and I HAVE to go out . I don’t want to , but I know it will help . 

The first thing I want to do with depression is hide …. Lock everything away and say it’ll be ok ….. But I know it won’t be unless I act on it . I HAVE to get some fresh air ….
I am terrified I’ll have a panic attack in town though . They have decided to show up again too (-.-) 

On one plus side …. I have taken up painting again :/
It’s something I can do along side collecting Pokémon bits and it’s one thing I can do in my bedroom out of the way 🙂


I am enjoying it though , which is strange because I don’t find enjoyment in things anymore .
I miss my books but I can’t seem to read them without getting headaches and putting them down after 3 pages . But I can paint all day and enjoy it . I think about all the layering , colours , blending , learning new things via Youtube 🙂 It’s fab !! Only downside is , it’s in my room . And as I enjoy fantasy painting , I can’t exactly go out and paint ….. Even though I have just had a great idea for my next painting and a place in my home town ^_^ 

This is my current work …. Although I have layered it a bit now , I am waiting on more paints so I can do the horns before I post a current photo . 

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It’s nothing amazing …. Just something I found on youtube about a year ago . I sketched it before but now I’ve decided to paint it up 🙂 

But it’s a distraction and I’m enjoying it 😀 

Really wish I could get the motivation to get up in the mornings though so I can finish it !! 

Anyone have any tricks on kick depression up the butt ?

Could really do with some right now 🙂 

Stuck in a rut :(

It’s been about 3/4 weeks since I had a panic attack .
Well , a major one at least . I always get tiny ones when I wake up and go to bed :/
But on Friday , I had a major panic attack .
It only lasted 20 minutes but at the time it felt like forever !!

I didn’t tell anyone until afterwards as I don’t like worrying people . And then I only told my Fiancé .

It took a lot out of me and I felt like a failure .
All the natural negative feelings came rushing back .
I thought I was doing so well !!
And then BOOM !!
Back to square one .

Although I do realise now , I’m not back at square one really .
It’s just horrible .
I was so positive and really enjoying it for the first time in a long time .
I was in control .
I was doing so much good and helping everyone out the best I could .

Ever since Friday I have found myself “getting bored” . I don’t seem to find any joy in anything I do . I can’t concerntrate much on anything and it’s really upsetting !!

My Doctors want to up my medication to 20mgs again , but that’s without knowing about this .

I don’t want to up it and become reliant on medication again so I have been saying no .

I was reluctant going on 10mgs as I don’t want medication to run my life .

And when I was on 20mgs and higher , I went to feel ill from the side effects .

I have been on citalopram before and many many others .
They never work and in the end they made me suicidal .
I don’t want to go through that again .
But I know I need something to drown these feelings away and to get me back on track .

I feel like I’m falling constantly and no one is there to pick me back up .
It’s becoming more and more a chour by the day .

Any advice would be amazing right now . And any recommendation for medication would be great .

Fluoxitine and Venlalic are big no goes for me .
Venlalic are the meds that pushed me over the edge last time and Fluoxitine made me bad before those .

I’m on Citalopram now but only 10mgs and I don’t think they are working anymore but 20mgs give me night terrors and sweats :/

I feel stuck in a rut 😦