3 steps forward 10 steps back

Today is really hard . This past week has been awful . I’m not coping well mentally .
I feel really pathetic all the time .
I’m nearly 26 years old & I have nothing to show for it .
I asked my parents to vouch for me for a car . As I’m on sick , I need a guarantor . I can afford the car comfortably and I know it will help me as I can get out more . They said no until I get my PIP through . The problem is , I doubt I’ll get PIP ! I’ve been fighting for it for 4 years and I haven’t ever got it . I don’t see why I will now !
I’m on ESA so I have some sort of income , been on it for 3 + years now , but my parents say it’s not guaranteed ….. Yet PIP may only offer me money for a year ? Then I’ll need another assessment ? So I honestly don’t understand the difference ?!

Anyway , it’s not just the car. I feel this way all the time .
26 , living at home with Mammy & Daddy , nothing to look forward to & I feel pathetic !
Stuck in my room day in day out .
Can’t go for a walk alone as I’m too terrified to leave the house .
I don’t see anyone . I only get to see Rob on the weekends .
I feel trapped and sufforcated !
I can’t move
My life is an utter mess !

I know this is the depression , but I have hit an all new low & I just feel like no one understands .

My fiances , mothers boyfriend , told Rob basically not to move in with me until I’m “better” because he ended up hating his ex wife because she was depressed and ended up spending his pay and making him do all the work when he was working full-time .
Honestly, it’s p!$$3d me off a little because I’m not like that. I have my own money , I do my own food shop when I’m up to it (with parents) I never ask Rob for anything ! And I never will because I’m not like that .
But to know someone thinks so little of me , when I haven’t done anything to them ! It makes me think , how many others think this of me ?

It’s upsetting and sickening !
I try my best but I can slowly see myself giving up . I’ve tried for so long and I’m not getting anywhere !

I hate this feeling , but I don’t know what to do 😦


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