Little bit better

Ok so after speaking to my Dad & having him realise where I’m coming from , car wise . He has said he will help me look and help me get a car 🙂 So that’s a little less stress 🙂

Spoke to Rob , he’s sorted a new car for himself as he needed one for work as his kept konking out . So again , less stress 🙂

All I need to sort now is my sleeping pattern and my eating lol

Oh and Dad phoned up about his disabled tax . I can drive the car without him so long as it’s for him 🙂 So a little bit more freedom there for me too . Not perfect but it’s something !

So there’s a few little positives to help me through today ! 

Feeling Thankful !

3 steps forward 10 steps back

Today is really hard . This past week has been awful . I’m not coping well mentally .
I feel really pathetic all the time .
I’m nearly 26 years old & I have nothing to show for it .
I asked my parents to vouch for me for a car . As I’m on sick , I need a guarantor . I can afford the car comfortably and I know it will help me as I can get out more . They said no until I get my PIP through . The problem is , I doubt I’ll get PIP ! I’ve been fighting for it for 4 years and I haven’t ever got it . I don’t see why I will now !
I’m on ESA so I have some sort of income , been on it for 3 + years now , but my parents say it’s not guaranteed ….. Yet PIP may only offer me money for a year ? Then I’ll need another assessment ? So I honestly don’t understand the difference ?!

Anyway , it’s not just the car. I feel this way all the time .
26 , living at home with Mammy & Daddy , nothing to look forward to & I feel pathetic !
Stuck in my room day in day out .
Can’t go for a walk alone as I’m too terrified to leave the house .
I don’t see anyone . I only get to see Rob on the weekends .
I feel trapped and sufforcated !
I can’t move
My life is an utter mess !

I know this is the depression , but I have hit an all new low & I just feel like no one understands .

My fiances , mothers boyfriend , told Rob basically not to move in with me until I’m “better” because he ended up hating his ex wife because she was depressed and ended up spending his pay and making him do all the work when he was working full-time .
Honestly, it’s p!$$3d me off a little because I’m not like that. I have my own money , I do my own food shop when I’m up to it (with parents) I never ask Rob for anything ! And I never will because I’m not like that .
But to know someone thinks so little of me , when I haven’t done anything to them ! It makes me think , how many others think this of me ?

It’s upsetting and sickening !
I try my best but I can slowly see myself giving up . I’ve tried for so long and I’m not getting anywhere !

I hate this feeling , but I don’t know what to do 😦

Toughy today

So today is a tough one !
Mentally I am screwed lol
Physically I’m ok
But this depression & the panic attacks …. All I can say is , thank god for my man & my parents !

This weekend should cheer me up no end though , the girls birthday parties !!
& maybe on weds Dad will let me drive up to see my gorgeous Nieces to give them a squish ! 🙂
Something to look forward to

Trying to stay positive 🙂

Feeling loved .

So these last few days have been super tough on me .
The meeting with PIP drained my energy , finding out my Dad will be going in any day now for his triple heart bypass & it’s going to be to London hospital .
Having eBay mess me over thanks to a horrible buyer . Having to organise my birthday (which I was looking forward to) .

It’s just all taken it’s tole as it’s all hit at once !

But even though mentally I am stressed and physically drained . I still have those bright little lightd around me . That warm feeling . Love .

From close friend to people I haven’t met yet 🙂
I am recieving a lot of lovely messages , Facebook tags , texts etc 😀
It may not seem like much from those of you I am talking about , but it is to me !
Those little things keep me going !

Yesterday I was in bed until 4pm . My Dad brought me a cup of coffee and left it out side my bedroom door , a simple gesture , but it made me smile and made me happy for the rest of the day 🙂

You all have a massive impact on my life and I just want to say , THANK YOU 🙂

Meeting :/

So I had a meeting with the PIP people today.
They came out as I couldn’t make it to the assessment ….
It was basically a medical, which is only fair as the amount of people claiming benefits for no real reason is ridiculous. But it made me feel small. Not the ladies fault at all, just the questions.

“When was the last time you went out?” – Honestly, yes it was Bristol. But that was terrifying . The time before that was my Aunties wedding 2 years ago!!
That was the proper time I went out, with people, “drinking”. But I had a panic attack on the bus with my own family!!

“Can you walk from the living room to your front gate without stopping?” – Nope! My knees swell and Im in agony.

“Do you see your friends often?” – Nope! Only on “good” days, which to be honest, are there really any good days ? There are ok days where the pain is masked by the pills I take, but thats about it .

“Do you drink?” – I’m not tea total and enjoy a glass of rosé but I don’t go out anywhere partying or hold house parties/ladies nights etc. I just have the odd glass when I can afford it .

“What are your hobbies?” – Now this is the real sad part …. I play Destiny. Online. With friends. That’s about it!
I love painting, reading, playing Pokémon / MTG cards etc. But I don’t have the energy to do them anymore. I literally get up and dressed …. Which takes me over an hour. Go and have coffee and maybe a bite to eat if I can be bothered. And then I sit and play Destiny because walking up and down stairs pains me too much!
I can’t stand for long periods of time and I can’t sit for too long either. So painting becomes frustrating :/

I just sat there thinking ” What the f**k has happened to me ? ”

I used to be this skinny girl, who would walk everywhere. Go to festivals with friends, party every weekend, go to college, eat what I like when I liked, wear whatever and not give a damn!
I was happy once lol
Now Im full of aches and pains, things the Drs can’t figure out. I have Ulcerative Colitis, possible arthritis which they are testing for. Very low iron, anaemia, I have to have iron infusions which involve blood tests every 2 weeks. I can’t make long term plans because of panic attacks which I have on a daily basis….. And so much more!!

I really feel pathetic tonight….

Sorry this isn’t a positive post. But I just needed to vent :/ And I did say this blog was about the highs and lows lol