So after a very emotional day yesterday, I am exhausted today.
It’s a horrible feeling, the day after pushing yourself to do something.
I have had a broken sleep again and only now finding the energy to get moving (3:15pm).

My Fiancé is coming to see me at 5pm 🙂 After work! So I’m going to get up, get dressed and try to look presentible.
Make coffee and food and then go over his to play Destiny and chill 🙂

I hate that we are apart so much since he’s now working full time .
I want to get a house so badly and we have found the perfect one . But I don’t know , sometimes I feel alone in that thought .
A friend asked us where we see ourselves in 5 years time & I said ” Married in a gorgeous house with our first child & possibly second on the way”. Rob agreed 🙂 But the house is the first step & I need that step soon .
Alun (CBT) agrees that I need to get my own place soon before I get any better . He said bed is for sex and sleep but I tend to do everything in my bedroom . I read in bed , I paint , I play Xbox , I go online , I watch films etc etc and this is what could be upsetting my sleep pattern even more . But living at home with the parents prevents me from having my own space . The bedroom is the only place where I get peace . I don’t even like my room lol . It’s blue and full of my brothers designs . He picked the decor and bulit the desk and closet . He even put the door on & picked the chest of drawers & the fish tank on top . The only thing that is mine is the bed and the clothes , a few photos and the gaming system . My room feels cold because it’s blue .

I need a house so I can get up in the morning and wonder around doing my own thing . Have my own space to paint . Have a gaming room for myself and Rob . Have my own design of kitchen where I can bake what ever I like , when ever I like . Have my own private garden which I can plant what ever flowers I want in . Where I can sit during the days and enjoy the silence .

The thought of moving is the best thought ever . The freedom I’ll have to express myself and help myself get better .
Don’t get me wrong , living with my parents is ok . I’m just 25 & feel like my bedroom is now my prison .
I can’t walk to the toilet in the night without one of them waking up and shouting …. I have Ulcerative Colitis so it’s not like I have a choice .
I need to move out asap & start my own life with Rob . I just don’t think he’s in any rush .

Unlike me , he has the freedom to do as he wishes . His Mam works fulltime & when she’s home he can have who ever he wants over . He can stay up late and make noise because she won’t hear it . He can go out in the middle of the night and she won’t mind or hear him leaving . It’s completely the opposit in his house to mine . His bedroom is also his design , everything in there is his and it’s perfect.
(He’s also 2 years younger than me.)

I just feel like I am sufforcating now . My mind is in overdrive 24/7 and I don’t have anywhere to go except …. You’ve guessed it …. My bedroom !


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