Life before CBT

My life has always consisted of negatives. When I was in Nursery I was bullied for being a tomboy. Infants I was bullied for having glasses. Juniors for having frizzy hair and in secondary I was bullied for being different. It just kept getting worse. This is what set my anxiety off. 3 years old and suffering with a mental illness…. Not a good start!

I’m now 25 & it’s just getting worse and worse. Going out is a struggle, I can’t even walk down to the shop anymore! I literally live in my bedroom at my parents house. On weekends I’ll go to see my fiancé who is a life saver & gets me out. But I won’t go anywhere without him or my parents. 

I do miss my old life. I used to be so free when I was in college. Always out and having fun , getting too drunk and spending too much. Having a proper college laugh. But now, I don’t know …. I tend to hide away from everything.

I have recently started CBT which has changed everything but this post isn’t about that yet…. It’s about the negatives.
I always think I know what people are thinking. Always think I am an embarrassment as I can’t work and I’m most certainly not normal!!
I feel like people are judging me 24/7 and nothing I do is right because I don’t conform.
My moods are terrible and my attitude is even worse. I tend to feel like I am always grumpy around those I love. Not because of them, but because of me. They have everything and I don’t. They have a house, marriage, kids etc and I just have, me. I have a ring on my finger and have done for 4 years & I totally and utterly love my man through and through. But I want more. I’m 25 and I’m not exactly getting any younger. I want my first child at 27 as I want 3 children but with my Ulcerative colitis and joint problems , age will just cause more stress on my body which may prevent me having any.
5 years ago I had a plan. House, marriage and kids all before I’m 30. 4 years 3 months off the big 3.0. I honestly can’t see anything giving right now.

Depression sucks !! Seriously !! If it wasn’t for CBT this would be my thought pattern day in day out.

– Not normal
– Fat
– Lazy
– Horrible person
– Ugly
– Loser
– It’s all in my head
– There’s no point in being here
– Why do I even bother waking up every morning
– People bullied me my whole life, there must be a reason behind it
– Something is wrong with me
– I’m alone in all of this for a reason


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