I have been thinking, and I need to get a plan in order. I don’t sleep well at all. Maybe 4 hours a night with constantly waking up in-between.
I don’t do enough in the day time to make me tired for the night time so when I’m in bed my mind is in over drive. I need to find a way to stop this.
I think the gym might help. Although I can’t do a lot of exercise due to joint pains and Ulcerative Colitis, I could do something like walking on the treadmill for an hour? It may help get me more active and help reset my sleeping pattern 🙂
It’s a scary thought though, going to the gym. Being around a load of strangers and being active…. Possibly on my own. I have a whirlwind inside my head of all the negative things that could happen and it’s hard for me to reason with myself.
I am hoping CBT on Friday will help me 🙂 Speaking with Alun makes everything clear and he puts everything into a positive light.



Tough day, but I did it!

Well, I was in two minds whether or not I should post this, but sod it! This blog is about being open and honest and I believe in making your own luck. Keeping this secret hasn’t been working for me lol

So today I had my driving test. I failed! But I’m not angry, just a little annoyed as it’s £62 for the test and £46 for the hour lesson!! Money which I don’t have because I don’t work.

However, I did it! I managed to drag myself from my bedroom, go out and face the world. I got in the car with a total stranger and I drove around for 50 minutes!! I didn’t have a panic attack, I did freak out a little through nerves but they didn’t get the best of me. I failed on something stupid which I didn’t even know I did. Apparently, when I turned right at the cross roads I swung out to the left first and stopped a car (which wasn’t there).
Basically I was at the cross roads, let the car ahead go as it had a big ass, turned right, looking in my mirror before I did so as the RED MAZDA was up my ass. There was no other car on the other side of the road. Just this red Mazda and a blue car behind that.

Annnnyway, I failed the driving but I passed my mental test 🙂 So I have achieved a lot today 🙂 I am stronger than I give myself credit for! If I can do it then anyone can!

Situation – Driving test, Carmarthen.
Thoughts & images (0-100%) – What if I crash? (60%)
What if someone smacks into me? (50%)
What if I say the wrong things to the examiner? (80%)
What if I go sick? (40%)
What if the nerves get the better of me and I have a panic attack? (95%)
Evidence to support this – I can’t leave the house without having panic attacks.

What actually happened – I got in the car and did my best! I didn’t panic and I managed to stay calm. I feel exhausted through losing sleep but nothing went wrong like I imagined.


Mind’s in overdrive.

So I have a big day tomorrow. My close family & friends know why.
My mind is going mental tonight. I have to be up at 8am and out of the house by 9:20am.
I’m nervous and anxious. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I played destiny for 4 hours tonight & decided to come off it to try and sleep but I can’t. I might watch ‘Once upon a time’ & get a cuppa!

I have so many negative thoughts going through my head but I know the positive will out weigh them all! I just can’t write them on here until tomorrow is over with 🙂 Then I will blog everything in my diary from tonight.
I just wish I could switch off! I’m tired but the tighter I close my eyes, the louder my thoughts get.

Anxiety, CBT, Depression

What is CBT?

  • Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a psychotherapeutic approach that addresses dysfunctional emotions, maladaptive behaviours and cognitive processes and contents through a number of goal-oriented, explicit systematic procedures.

    What is CBT?

    CBT, or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, is a talking therapy. It has been proved to help treat a wide range of emotional and physical health conditions in adults, young people and children. CBT looks at how we think about a situation and how this affects the way we act. In turn our actions can affect how we think and feel.The therapist and client work together in changing the client’s behaviours, or their thinking patterns, or both of these.

    CBT works

    There is a great deal of research evidence to show that CBT works effectively in treating depression. This research has been carefully reviewed by the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE).

    NICE provides independent, evidence-based guidance for the NHS on the most effective ways to treat disease and ill health. CBT is recommended by NICE for the treatment of anxiety disorders.

    What can CBT help with?

    NICE recommends CBT in the treatment of the following conditions:

    • anxiety disorders (including panic attacks and post-traumatic stress disorder)
    • depression
    • obsessive compulsive disorder
    • schizophrenia and psychosis
    • bipolar disorder

    There is also good evidence that CBT is helpful in treating many other conditions, including:

    • chronic fatigue
    • behavioural difficulties in children
    • anxiety disorders in children
    • chronic pain
    • physical symptoms without a medical diagnosis
    • sleep difficulties
    • anger management

    CBT can be used if you are on medication which has been prescribed by your GP. You can also use CBT on its own. This will depend on the difficulty you want help with.

    How CBT is delivered

    CBT can be offered in individual sessions with a therapist or as part of a group. The number of CBT sessions you need depends on the difficulty you need help with. Often this will be between five and 20 weekly sessions lasting between 30 and 60 minutes each. CBT is mainly concerned with how you think and act now, instead of looking at and getting help with difficulties in your past.

    You and your therapist will discuss your specific difficulties and set goals for you to achieve. CBT is not a quick fix. It involves hard work during and between sessions. Your therapist will not tell you what to do. Instead they will help you decide what difficulties you want to work on in order to help you improve your situation. Your therapist will be able to advise you on how to continue using CBT techniques in your daily life after your treatment ends.

    CBT is available in a wide range of settings, as well as hospitals or clinics. It is sometimes provided in the form of written or computer-based packages. This may be combined with flexible telephone or face-to-face appointments to check progress and help overcome any barriers to putting into practice what you have learned. This way of delivering CBT has made it more accessible to people with busy lives, and has also reduced delays in getting help.

    Self-help CBT

    CBT-based self-help books are available. There are also websites providing information on CBT techniques which are free to access. Evidence does show that using them works better with support from a therapist, especially for low mood.

    Finding a therapist

    CBT is now widely available on the NHS for the treatment of depression. If you feel that CBT may be helpful, then you should first discuss it with your GP. Private therapists are also available. Before starting CBT, it is recommended that you check that your therapist is accredited by BABCP. You can find details of all CBT therapists accredited by BABCP online at www.cbtregisteruk.com.

    About BABCP

    BABCP stands for the British Association for Behavioural & Cognitive Psychotherapies. It has been the lead organisation for CBT in the UK since 1972. BABCP members work in the NHS, social care, education and universities. BABCP also provides accreditation to those who practise CBT in the NHS and privately. It is widely recognised by health and social care employers, training institutions and health insurance companies. BABCP believes that accreditation is important in protecting the public and raising the quality of CBT.

    Basically CBT helps put all of those negative thoughts into a more positive light. All the What If’s / maybe’s into reality.

    Personally I am finding it amazing!! I highly recommend it to everyone who suffers with anxiety and depression.
    It is only 8 sessions, one day a week at your local surgery.
    50 minutes per session. More than enough trust me 🙂
    One on one with a mental health nurse.

    Since I have started I have managed to work out A LOT of things. I now know when it’s my depression speaking and not reality. I know how to look at things differently.

    My every day activity is to write down things that I do, my thoughts before and after.


    Situation – Going shopping in town with my parents.
    Thoughts (0-100%) – I could get mugged (50%) I could be attacked (80%)
    Evidence to support this – I got attacked in town on a night out when I was 18.
    What actually happened – I had a nice time shopping with my parents and no one bothered me.

    The 0-100% is how much I believe this will happen at the time of the thought.

    It really does help and I will be blogging a lot of these for you all to see what I go through and how I handle it 🙂


Life before CBT

My life has always consisted of negatives. When I was in Nursery I was bullied for being a tomboy. Infants I was bullied for having glasses. Juniors for having frizzy hair and in secondary I was bullied for being different. It just kept getting worse. This is what set my anxiety off. 3 years old and suffering with a mental illness…. Not a good start!

I’m now 25 & it’s just getting worse and worse. Going out is a struggle, I can’t even walk down to the shop anymore! I literally live in my bedroom at my parents house. On weekends I’ll go to see my fiancé who is a life saver & gets me out. But I won’t go anywhere without him or my parents. 

I do miss my old life. I used to be so free when I was in college. Always out and having fun , getting too drunk and spending too much. Having a proper college laugh. But now, I don’t know …. I tend to hide away from everything.

I have recently started CBT which has changed everything but this post isn’t about that yet…. It’s about the negatives.
I always think I know what people are thinking. Always think I am an embarrassment as I can’t work and I’m most certainly not normal!!
I feel like people are judging me 24/7 and nothing I do is right because I don’t conform.
My moods are terrible and my attitude is even worse. I tend to feel like I am always grumpy around those I love. Not because of them, but because of me. They have everything and I don’t. They have a house, marriage, kids etc and I just have, me. I have a ring on my finger and have done for 4 years & I totally and utterly love my man through and through. But I want more. I’m 25 and I’m not exactly getting any younger. I want my first child at 27 as I want 3 children but with my Ulcerative colitis and joint problems , age will just cause more stress on my body which may prevent me having any.
5 years ago I had a plan. House, marriage and kids all before I’m 30. 4 years 3 months off the big 3.0. I honestly can’t see anything giving right now.

Depression sucks !! Seriously !! If it wasn’t for CBT this would be my thought pattern day in day out.

– Not normal
– Fat
– Lazy
– Horrible person
– Ugly
– Loser
– It’s all in my head
– There’s no point in being here
– Why do I even bother waking up every morning
– People bullied me my whole life, there must be a reason behind it
– Something is wrong with me
– I’m alone in all of this for a reason



Hi, I’m Lola. I am 25 years young and live in a small town in Wales, UK.

I suffer with anxiety and depression (along with other illnesses).

All my life I have been through a lot of negatives and never been able to see the positives in life.

Until now.

This blog will be like my diary, of all the mental ups and downs that I go through and how I come out of it stronger 🙂
I may post some really negative things on here and then come back and edit it later with the positives that happen.

Let me explain a little bit about my anxiety.

It isn’t the typical anxiety where I will only get butterflies and not want to do something.
I suffer with panic attacks.
Leaving the house is a massive challenge for me and most days I choose to stay in.
My panic attacks make me ill to the point I won’t cope with the days at all. I tend to hide in my bedroom and stay there.
My depression was kicked off through this.
In future posts I will explain in more detail.

My aim with these blogs are to show people that they’re not alone.
Feeling alone with mental illness is hard. I found it really tough to wake up every day because I would feel like I had no one to turn to. It feels like the world is going by and no one even stops to think about how you might feel. Well, they do!

Every 1 in 4 will experience depression and anxiety in some way.

I am also open to suggestions. If you feel like I have skimmed through things a little too quickly then please feel free to contact me and I will create another post focusing on that 🙂

I am also here for anyone who wishes to talk 🙂 No matter what my personal problems are, helping people is what I enjoy doing the most.

I am NOT a professional, I just have personal experience with mental illness and would like to try and help others by speaking out 🙂