I have been thinking, and I need to get a plan in order. I don’t sleep well at all. Maybe 4 hours a night with constantly waking up in-between.
I don’t do enough in the day time to make me tired for the night time so when I’m in bed my mind is in over drive. I need to find a way to stop this.
I think the gym might help. Although I can’t do a lot of exercise due to joint pains and Ulcerative Colitis, I could do something like walking on the treadmill for an hour? It may help get me more active and help reset my sleeping pattern 🙂
It’s a scary thought though, going to the gym. Being around a load of strangers and being active…. Possibly on my own. I have a whirlwind inside my head of all the negative things that could happen and it’s hard for me to reason with myself.
I am hoping CBT on Friday will help me 🙂 Speaking with Alun makes everything clear and he puts everything into a positive light.
Well, I was in two minds whether or not I should post this, but sod it! This blog is about being open and honest and I believe in making your own luck. Keeping this secret hasn’t been working for me lol
So today I had my driving test. I failed! But I’m not angry, just a little annoyed as it’s £62 for the test and £46 for the hour lesson!! Money which I don’t have because I don’t work.
However, I did it! I managed to drag myself from my bedroom, go out and face the world. I got in the car with a total stranger and I drove around for 50 minutes!! I didn’t have a panic attack, I did freak out a little through nerves but they didn’t get the best of me. I failed on something stupid which I didn’t even know I did. Apparently, when I turned right at the cross roads I swung out to the left first and stopped a car (which wasn’t there).
Basically I was at the cross roads, let the car ahead go as it had a big ass, turned right, looking in my mirror before I did so as the RED MAZDA was up my ass. There was no other car on the other side of the road. Just this red Mazda and a blue car behind that.
Annnnyway, I failed the driving but I passed my mental test 🙂 So I have achieved a lot today 🙂 I am stronger than I give myself credit for! If I can do it then anyone can!
Situation – Driving test, Carmarthen.
Thoughts & images (0-100%) – What if I crash? (60%)
What if someone smacks into me? (50%)
What if I say the wrong things to the examiner? (80%)
What if I go sick? (40%)
What if the nerves get the better of me and I have a panic attack? (95%)
Evidence to support this – I can’t leave the house without having panic attacks.
What actually happened – I got in the car and did my best! I didn’t panic and I managed to stay calm. I feel exhausted through losing sleep but nothing went wrong like I imagined.
So I have a big day tomorrow. My close family & friends know why.
My mind is going mental tonight. I have to be up at 8am and out of the house by 9:20am.
I’m nervous and anxious. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I played destiny for 4 hours tonight & decided to come off it to try and sleep but I can’t. I might watch ‘Once upon a time’ & get a cuppa!
I have so many negative thoughts going through my head but I know the positive will out weigh them all! I just can’t write them on here until tomorrow is over with 🙂 Then I will blog everything in my diary from tonight.
I just wish I could switch off! I’m tired but the tighter I close my eyes, the louder my thoughts get.
There are 3 little people who help me feel normal & who never put me down or judge me 🙂
They’re wonderful, beautiful, handsome and sweet.
They always make me feel good & smile when they’re around!
Aged 3 & 6.
Emily, Brooklyn & Katie ❤
My Nieces & Nephew.
My life has always consisted of negatives. When I was in Nursery I was bullied for being a tomboy. Infants I was bullied for having glasses. Juniors for having frizzy hair and in secondary I was bullied for being different. It just kept getting worse. This is what set my anxiety off. 3 years old and suffering with a mental illness…. Not a good start!
I’m now 25 & it’s just getting worse and worse. Going out is a struggle, I can’t even walk down to the shop anymore! I literally live in my bedroom at my parents house. On weekends I’ll go to see my fiancé who is a life saver & gets me out. But I won’t go anywhere without him or my parents.
I do miss my old life. I used to be so free when I was in college. Always out and having fun , getting too drunk and spending too much. Having a proper college laugh. But now, I don’t know …. I tend to hide away from everything.
I have recently started CBT which has changed everything but this post isn’t about that yet…. It’s about the negatives.
I always think I know what people are thinking. Always think I am an embarrassment as I can’t work and I’m most certainly not normal!!
I feel like people are judging me 24/7 and nothing I do is right because I don’t conform.
My moods are terrible and my attitude is even worse. I tend to feel like I am always grumpy around those I love. Not because of them, but because of me. They have everything and I don’t. They have a house, marriage, kids etc and I just have, me. I have a ring on my finger and have done for 4 years & I totally and utterly love my man through and through. But I want more. I’m 25 and I’m not exactly getting any younger. I want my first child at 27 as I want 3 children but with my Ulcerative colitis and joint problems , age will just cause more stress on my body which may prevent me having any.
5 years ago I had a plan. House, marriage and kids all before I’m 30. 4 years 3 months off the big 3.0. I honestly can’t see anything giving right now.
Depression sucks !! Seriously !! If it wasn’t for CBT this would be my thought pattern day in day out.
– Not normal
– Horrible person
– It’s all in my head
– There’s no point in being here
– Why do I even bother waking up every morning
– People bullied me my whole life, there must be a reason behind it
– Something is wrong with me
– I’m alone in all of this for a reason
Hi, I’m Lola. I am 25 years young and live in a small town in Wales, UK.
I suffer with anxiety and depression (along with other illnesses).
All my life I have been through a lot of negatives and never been able to see the positives in life.
This blog will be like my diary, of all the mental ups and downs that I go through and how I come out of it stronger 🙂
I may post some really negative things on here and then come back and edit it later with the positives that happen.
Let me explain a little bit about my anxiety.
It isn’t the typical anxiety where I will only get butterflies and not want to do something.
I suffer with panic attacks.
Leaving the house is a massive challenge for me and most days I choose to stay in.
My panic attacks make me ill to the point I won’t cope with the days at all. I tend to hide in my bedroom and stay there.
My depression was kicked off through this.
In future posts I will explain in more detail.
My aim with these blogs are to show people that they’re not alone.
Feeling alone with mental illness is hard. I found it really tough to wake up every day because I would feel like I had no one to turn to. It feels like the world is going by and no one even stops to think about how you might feel. Well, they do!
Every 1 in 4 will experience depression and anxiety in some way.
I am also open to suggestions. If you feel like I have skimmed through things a little too quickly then please feel free to contact me and I will create another post focusing on that 🙂
I am also here for anyone who wishes to talk 🙂 No matter what my personal problems are, helping people is what I enjoy doing the most.
I am NOT a professional, I just have personal experience with mental illness and would like to try and help others by speaking out 🙂